Tip/Advice on how to survive weekend

[CookieMonster28]

Visiting DHs family this weekend and all week I have had a horrible feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I am feeling really anxious and my MH feels on edge at the thought of this weekend.

Superficially get on with DHs family but they (particularly MIL) always cause upset every time we see them by making tactless comments and showing obvious favouritism to golden balls BIL, they are very self indulgent. A lot of my hurt also stems from fact I feel they make very little effort with my DC (1st grandchild) have not seen since July, and have only seen 5 times (she's 15 months). They don't live so far away that it's an excuse IMO. Never addressed this with ILs as they will just be defensive and justify it til the cows come home. They have made it clear they aren't overly interested and are patiently waiting for BIL and his wife to have children (MIL has previously commented that that will be when she becomes a grandmother!)

Anyway - just looking for any advice/tips to navigate the weekend. I will not engage too much in conversation purely because I am exhausted by it all. MIL has tendency to ask very blunt to the point questions that are hard to avoid. I am also sick at the thought that they will want to try and play 'worlds best grandparents' with my DC who they haven't seen in months and the thought makes me sick to my stomach! I am literally going for my husband's sake, have already gone LC with MIL, NC not really an option right now as would cause issues with DH.

Sorry for the ramble...but just after advice or tips on how to survive the weekend without affecting my sanity and MH!

Have you spoken to your DH about it? What does he say?

I think you are getting overly anxious about this. You don't have to go at all if you don't want to, you can make that decision.

How does your DH feel about this, he is key here. He is the scapegoat in this family and as a result all of you are scapegoated too. He has received the Special Training to put their needs and wants first with his own dead last. He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt and likely seeks their approval even now. Approval they will never give him. Would he ever read "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward?

Why would going no contact cause you issues with your H?.

Do not attend. Do not offer yourselves up here and further be the lambs to the slaughter. It also does your children no favours to see their parents being so disrespected.

If you do attend (and again I would advise you and the DC not to) be out of the house as much as possible and when indoors adopt the grey rock position. Give short straight answers to questions and hide emotional reactions to the things a person says or does. Grey rock does work but it can be exhausting in its own right.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

They don't sound very nice especially the weird comment about not yet being a grandmother.

But your worry they will 'play grandparents of the year' why on earth is that a worry? Whats the worry, that they will give your baby lots of attention and playing? That's great isn't it? Surely better than them being shit grandparents and ignoring baby?

You have to let go of the need to control them or make them better. They won't change. If you choose to go to their home you have to accept them as they come.

It's just two days of bad company. Just see it as a chance to collect funny quotes of the ridiculous things they do and WhatsApp them to your friends or come back here and update us.

I'd be glad my husband wasn't the golden balls brother tbh. Don't worry things will get even more crazy when they have children and I'd just be glad to be distancing myself. I would go would go for my other half's sake but just assert my boundaries if needed.

If he wants to go that much he can go on his own. There is no rule here to suggest you have to go; its an invitation, not a summons.

Going for his sake too is counter productive because your kids are going to see and pick up on the two of you as their parents being outright disrespected. They will also ignore any boundary you care to set and besides which your H has been encouraged not to have any boundaries re them. Will he be prepared to leave early if you've had enough of them?. Will he back you up here?.

Thanks for replies.
Fully aware I could choose not to go, but DC wouldn't go without me and I feel unfair on DH to completely deny them a relationship with DC (although very superficial and they don't show much interest) - basically doing it for DH sake if that makes sense!
He appreciates and acknowledges my feelings and knows they are valid. We humour it after, but does also cause some tension.
I'm quite ok with being the underdogs, I just find it really hard to be false and pretend that I like them 😂

You are on my wavelength! This has been my approach so far

I agree as children get older - but I'm anticipating that contact will reduce when GC from BIL arrive anyway!
He has promised we can leave first thing Sunday so has compromised!

I wouldn't say it's a worry as such just makes me cringe at the thought really when they don't otherwise show any interest! Also DC won't have a clue who they are as haven't seen them in months.

I have a long list of ridiculous comments already so will add to the list, good idea!

I would also consider setting up a code word between you and he so if it gets too much you can use this word then leave.

I would certainly hold him to his promise; do not even stay for breakfast there on Sunday morning.

This made me laugh thank you
Wish we could just chuck the bitch overboard 😂

The way forward here is to have nothing to do with them and to ignore all and any flying monkeys sent in your direction. Indeed chuck them all overboard. Your children will also thank you for having nothing to do with their narcissistic grandparents.

Your H out of his own fear, obligation and guilt to them may well want to see them but it does not follow that you and your DC have to meekly follow. It may also be that your H hopes against his own experience of them that they will behave better this time around (a forlorn hope frankly). He probably also reverts to child like mode in their presence too and cannot assert himself at all; yet another reason for not going there.

With you people out of the picture, these people will further turn against each other.

I find things like this fascinating - are you aware you can be as blunt and rude as MIL is?

You don't have to jump the hoops, or dance the dance. Do the basic of acknowledging her existence and nothing more.

OP
re your comment:
"Fully aware I could choose not to go, but DC wouldn't go without me and I feel unfair on DH to completely deny them a relationship with DC (although very superficial and they don't show much interest) - basically doing it for DH sake if that makes sense!"

No, this is the wrong approach. Why would you feel unfairness to DH to deny your kids a relationship with these people?. Think again!!!.

It is for your DHs sake as well as your own that your children should not be subjected to his parents. They show no real interest in your kids other than what they can get out of them in terms of narcissistic supply. Look at how your H has turned out at their hands; these people can and will do similar harm to your kids and particularly if you keep on going there. Your kids will be seen by them as narcissistic supply; something narcissists love and they will not recognise that they as well as you are all being manipulated. People like his parents are emotionally dangerous and unsafe to be at all around. Not all relatives are nice and kind and sadly for your DH he completely lucked out.

If these people are too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too.

MIL has tendency to ask very blunt to the point questions that are hard to avoid.

Can you adopt a “reverse or repeat” approach to the questions and make a game of it? So if she asks a blunt question you repeat it back looking puzzled or ask her the same question back. Example…

”When are you going to get pregnant again?”

”Are you asking me about when I am going to get pregnant again?” Accompanied by your best puzzled/startled look.

Another one…

”You’ve got a fair amount of crisps and sausage rolls on your plate. Don’t you want some salad? You’ll be putting inches on your waist and could lose some already”

”Are you asking me about my eating habits? What have you selected from the buffet?”

You could have a mental bingo card with the phrases/topics you know will come up, or the behaviours. It’s kind of like a countdown so you know you’re getting through it all!

And definitely have a code phrase for leaving. We also have one for showing support without telling anyone else, so when we’re having to deal with my alcoholic SIL’s behaviour I will say to DH “did you see that the neighbours have sorted out that fence panel” like it’s a random thought that just popped into my head. We both know it means “your sister is being a nightmare today, I hope you’re ok”. Other ideas are things like “can you remind me to do this/put that thing on the shopping list” so it doesn’t seem too weird.

Thanks for your input but I'm really not.
Have had numerous people comment on her behaviour and she's fallen out with lots of people!

That's a brilliant idea!

She said that she'll be a grandmother when your BIL reproduces??!!

If she actually said that, FUCK HER.

Don't bloody go.

(I don't mean I think you're lying btw, I meant if she actually vocalised it rather than hinting, which is bad enough!)!

Sadly said it separately to both of my parents at my DDs birthday party...when we announced current pregnancy and my mum congratulated her on becoming a grandmother again...she said 'well I'm just waiting for BIL to have babies really, then I'll really be a grandmother'

It's a comment I won't be forgetting. Ever!

Fuck her. If she says anything just repeat it back to her.

You have no responsibility to this woman. She has told your parents to she's not a grandmother. Treat her so.

I'm furious in your behalf???!!!!

They have made it clear they aren't overly interested and are patiently waiting for BIL and his wife to have children (MIL has previously commented that that will be when she becomes a grandmother!)

I wouldn't be subjecting my child to grandparents who think like that. Your DH could go alone.

You are not going to change the fact that you an your husband come a distant second to BIL. However you should be able to do some thing about the rude blunt questions/comments. Practise stonewalling and shutting her down- replies like- why would you ask that, you don't need to know that, I won't talk about that with you, do you realise how rude/uncaring you sound, none of your business, an incredulous tone is helpful as in Reeeally what a strange thing to say/ask!
Alternatively if that is too difficult just turn away and start another conversation with whoever is there. Have some topics handy - how was your holiday, we've decorated the living room, thinking of changing the car, get a conservatory, how is ' mutual aquaintance'. Basically ignore her every time and freeze her out