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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son is in an abusive relationship-how can I help him?

52 replies

RoynJamie · 30/10/2024 07:42

My son, (21)who lives at home is in an abusive relationship. He knows he's in an abusive relationship. She is vile to him, has no job, uses him for money. She's nearly lost him his job. She calls him 100's of times a day. She looks through his phone. He's not allowed to see friends. She's tried to sabotage his relationship with family members. She's told him that I'm in love with him and our family relationship is incestuous. His sibling hates her so I have banned her from the house. I am so depressed about it, it pains me to see him being treated like this.
He's stated that he just can't leave her, it's like a mental block.
Last night I gave him with telephone numbers for men's DV advice lines which he intends on calling.
We do talk about it because I've been there and get it.
What else can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Sugarcoldturkey · 30/10/2024 07:51

RoynJamie · 30/10/2024 07:42

My son, (21)who lives at home is in an abusive relationship. He knows he's in an abusive relationship. She is vile to him, has no job, uses him for money. She's nearly lost him his job. She calls him 100's of times a day. She looks through his phone. He's not allowed to see friends. She's tried to sabotage his relationship with family members. She's told him that I'm in love with him and our family relationship is incestuous. His sibling hates her so I have banned her from the house. I am so depressed about it, it pains me to see him being treated like this.
He's stated that he just can't leave her, it's like a mental block.
Last night I gave him with telephone numbers for men's DV advice lines which he intends on calling.
We do talk about it because I've been there and get it.
What else can I do to help him?

No answers for you, but really hope he manages to get help.

Squirrelz5 · 30/10/2024 07:53

Gosh, this really hits home. A male family member was in a similar relationship and we were accused of being like a married couple, it was implied he was in love with me and we were too close. He's my dad ffs. He's the kindest, sweetest man. He left eventually but not without lots of support.

gestroopd · 30/10/2024 07:55

Big hugs. I say that because you know, as you've been there, that you can't really do much more than you have.

I'd say the best thing you could do no w is focus on yourself in terms of keeping fit and healthy. Go for daily fast walks, even if only 20 mins, just bolster your physical and mental health because you're going to need stamina to support him as this goes on. And even when he leaves her, you know that won't be the end of it. Take care of yourself so you can be there for him.

Original poster
RoynJamie · 30/10/2024 07:58

Squirrelz5 · 30/10/2024 07:53

Gosh, this really hits home. A male family member was in a similar relationship and we were accused of being like a married couple, it was implied he was in love with me and we were too close. He's my dad ffs. He's the kindest, sweetest man. He left eventually but not without lots of support.

It did make him question our relationships. I have been a lone parent for 10 years so we do all have a close relationship. Her mother sadly passed away when she was a child so she has no experience of this

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 30/10/2024 08:00

gestroopd · 30/10/2024 07:55

Big hugs. I say that because you know, as you've been there, that you can't really do much more than you have.

I'd say the best thing you could do no w is focus on yourself in terms of keeping fit and healthy. Go for daily fast walks, even if only 20 mins, just bolster your physical and mental health because you're going to need stamina to support him as this goes on. And even when he leaves her, you know that won't be the end of it. Take care of yourself so you can be there for him.

Thankyou. He also knows that she will not go quietly which is another reason he is scared to end it.

OP posts:
GreenAlkanet · 30/10/2024 08:20

Having been the person being abused - my parents made sure I always knew i had their support no matter what, they hated my abuser but still welcomed him into their home in order to keep the relationship with me open and give me as much support as possible.

Now you have given him support numbers etc, I would personally be wary of continuing to push him to leave because this may give her fuel to completely alienate him from you and thereby prevent you from helping him whenever he comes to the decision himself.

Does he have any male friends who are aware of what is going on? Does he want to leave at this time? I understand how frustrating it must be to stand in the sidelines and watch someone you love being treated this way, but this does have to come from him. It can't come from anyone else. The very best thing you can do imo is be there, listen without judgement whenever he opens up to you, let him know you support him and will support him in whatever he wants to do.

If he does want to leave and can't work out the practicalities, can you try to help him make a plan? Do they own their place? Or share the rent? Can he just leave and come to stay with you?

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this no through this. Flowers

Cheesandcrackers · 30/10/2024 09:37

All of the above but with the following. When he leaves she will absolutely flip. She may even get physical and later say he attacked her. He should try to leave when she isn't there or at least record audio on his phone if leaving when she is there. And take out all his valuable possessions before. Most other stuff is replaceable.

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2024 09:46

My brother was in an abusive relationship and they had a baby. His partner came from a remote part of Scotland and continually threatened to return there with their child if he didn't toe the line.

They did eventually break up but I suspect that was her doing not his. It was only years later he was able to have a normal, civilised co parenting relationship with her.

I have a strong suspicion that she hit him but he never admitted this.

I have no advice but my mum kept an open mind throughout, and made it clear he could move home any time he liked. I think if she had slagged off the partner it would have made him defensive, plus he was so deep in denial because when they met they fell madly in love.

We're decades on now and the partner sadly died, we all mourned her. She was a complicated person and the mother of my brother's beloved child, who has managed to turn into a truly wonderful adult.

JanFebAndOnwards · 30/10/2024 09:56

You can’t do any more and in fact it would be dangerous to, because it HAS to be his decision to leave - that lessens the possibility that she’ll persuade him back when he does.

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

Osirus · 30/10/2024 10:30

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

Why? Is it so hard to believe a man can be abused by a woman? Watch the new documentary on Netflix about the man being abused by his wife. It’s been on channel 4 too as I watched it earlier this year. It’s heartbreaking. Women can be just as cruel as men, and for men it’s often harder to break free from or admit because of social conditioning - as your post clearly demonstrates.

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:32

Osirus · 30/10/2024 10:30

Why? Is it so hard to believe a man can be abused by a woman? Watch the new documentary on Netflix about the man being abused by his wife. It’s been on channel 4 too as I watched it earlier this year. It’s heartbreaking. Women can be just as cruel as men, and for men it’s often harder to break free from or admit because of social conditioning - as your post clearly demonstrates.

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Absolutely. Still, there is always two sides to each story and I would love to hear hers.

Attelina · 30/10/2024 10:39

What a waste of his life and her life, staying together without either knowing what love is.

mensadviceline.org.uk

Dweetfidilove · 30/10/2024 10:49

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

She won't be here to tell it, so we'll offer advice to the OP on the basis of what's been said here 😒.

RandomMan2 · 30/10/2024 10:55

I was in a very similar situation to him. Ultimately I had to make the decision to leave myself but would have appreciated someone pointing out to me what a dire situation I was actually in. I think pointing him towards that documentary pp mentioned, my wife the abuser, would be a good start. And just be there for him and let him know he's always got a place to run away to if he needs it.

Attelina · 30/10/2024 11:08

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

What a disgraceful thing to say.

Osirus · 30/10/2024 11:10

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:32

Absolutely. Still, there is always two sides to each story and I would love to hear hers.

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Have you ever thought that when you’ve read a thread about a woman being domestically abused?

Badburyrings · 30/10/2024 11:15

Cheesandcrackers · 30/10/2024 09:37

All of the above but with the following. When he leaves she will absolutely flip. She may even get physical and later say he attacked her. He should try to leave when she isn't there or at least record audio on his phone if leaving when she is there. And take out all his valuable possessions before. Most other stuff is replaceable.

Literally the first line of the OP says he stills live at home, so does not live with the girlfriend.

ItGhoul · 30/10/2024 11:15

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:32

Absolutely. Still, there is always two sides to each story and I would love to hear hers.

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Why do you find someone's account of domestic abuse so difficult to believe?

Cheesandcrackers · 30/10/2024 11:20

Badburyrings · 30/10/2024 11:15

Literally the first line of the OP says he stills live at home, so does not live with the girlfriend.

Show quote history

Apologies, your right. Advice still stands though in terms of covering himself.

GreenAlkanet · 30/10/2024 15:06

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

As a female victim of abuse - I cannot tell you how much it hurts to hear these words, because these words clearly say 'I don't believe you' and/or 'you might have done something to bring the abuse on yourself'

I don't believe this is being said because the victim is male - I've heard it too many times to count.

And it is true that there are always two perspectives on any situation, but when it is said in this way it is not a neutral statement of fact.

I wish people would either consider the effect of their words, or if they actually mean to say it just come right out and say 'I don't believe you' instead of pretending with pointless statements like this.

AbbeyGrange · 30/10/2024 15:18

Osirus · 30/10/2024 11:10

Have you ever thought that when you’ve read a thread about a woman being domestically abused?

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Yeah can you imagine someone saying to an abused female poster " I'd love to hear his side of the story" It wouldn't happen...

OldMaiden · 30/10/2024 22:14

Just tell him to end it, if she harrases him call the police.

What more can he do.

He's only 21, I'm assuming she's young too, time for them to separate, they clearly don't make each other happy, she's clearly got trust issues and is behaving poorly, I wonder if anything triggered this.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2024 22:17

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

Do you think that when it's women being abused?

IsabelleSE19 · 30/10/2024 22:27

Sorry OP, that sounds horrendous. No advice other than to do what you're doing and just be there, but I wanted to add my voice to the thread as someone who has a family member whose wife physically and emotionally abuses him. I've always been worried that if he goes to the police they won't believe him, and a PP on this thread perfectly illustrates why that worry is justified.

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