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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son is in an abusive relationship-how can I help him?

52 replies

RoynJamie · 30/10/2024 07:42

My son, (21)who lives at home is in an abusive relationship. He knows he's in an abusive relationship. She is vile to him, has no job, uses him for money. She's nearly lost him his job. She calls him 100's of times a day. She looks through his phone. He's not allowed to see friends. She's tried to sabotage his relationship with family members. She's told him that I'm in love with him and our family relationship is incestuous. His sibling hates her so I have banned her from the house. I am so depressed about it, it pains me to see him being treated like this.
He's stated that he just can't leave her, it's like a mental block.
Last night I gave him with telephone numbers for men's DV advice lines which he intends on calling.
We do talk about it because I've been there and get it.
What else can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/10/2024 22:32

You've done the right thing I'm glad he's calling them.

Autumn38 · 30/10/2024 22:38

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:32

Absolutely. Still, there is always two sides to each story and I would love to hear hers.

Show quote history

Yes I often think that when I hear of a person being abused. You know, abused women, abused children… Always want to hear from their abusers, because as you point out, there are always two sides, right?

Tittibits · 30/10/2024 22:57

Talk to him about the importance of contraception in order to ensure he doesn’t end up trapped for life.

JustBrowsingTheWeb · 30/10/2024 23:20

Make sure he has plenty of other friendships going on. Get him out of there!! Xx

Blairsnitchproject · 30/10/2024 23:24

Just keep asking him questions to see if you can break through his denial. It must be so painful for you. Our young DDs relationship got very toxic at the end. It was very scary to watch and that was without the level of abuse you describe. I hope your son sees through the situation quickly and gets out. Trauma bonds are tricky but they can be overcome.

Mumofteenandtween · 30/10/2024 23:24

Tittibits · 30/10/2024 22:57

Talk to him about the importance of contraception in order to ensure he doesn’t end up trapped for life.

This. This is the most important thing of all. If she gets pregnant the he is trapped for life. He needs to make sure that he is using a condom and that she has had no contact with the condom beforehand.

Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:01

GreenAlkanet · 30/10/2024 08:20

Having been the person being abused - my parents made sure I always knew i had their support no matter what, they hated my abuser but still welcomed him into their home in order to keep the relationship with me open and give me as much support as possible.

Now you have given him support numbers etc, I would personally be wary of continuing to push him to leave because this may give her fuel to completely alienate him from you and thereby prevent you from helping him whenever he comes to the decision himself.

Does he have any male friends who are aware of what is going on? Does he want to leave at this time? I understand how frustrating it must be to stand in the sidelines and watch someone you love being treated this way, but this does have to come from him. It can't come from anyone else. The very best thing you can do imo is be there, listen without judgement whenever he opens up to you, let him know you support him and will support him in whatever he wants to do.

If he does want to leave and can't work out the practicalities, can you try to help him make a plan? Do they own their place? Or share the rent? Can he just leave and come to stay with you?

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this no through this. Flowers

Thanks for this. He lives with me. She used to stay 5 nights out of 7 but I no longer feel comfortable in the house with her.
He does open up and his friends know (not that he sees them much because she has tried to sabotage any relationship that he has)

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:01

Cheesandcrackers · 30/10/2024 09:37

All of the above but with the following. When he leaves she will absolutely flip. She may even get physical and later say he attacked her. He should try to leave when she isn't there or at least record audio on his phone if leaving when she is there. And take out all his valuable possessions before. Most other stuff is replaceable.

He's worried about this. He has tried to end it before and she talked him round. He's worried that she'll hurt him in some way

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:03

JanFebAndOnwards · 30/10/2024 09:56

You can’t do any more and in fact it would be dangerous to, because it HAS to be his decision to leave - that lessens the possibility that she’ll persuade him back when he does.

Good point. I get this. It has to be 100% his decision I get this. Though his brother refuses to have anything to do with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:05

RandomMan2 · 30/10/2024 10:55

I was in a very similar situation to him. Ultimately I had to make the decision to leave myself but would have appreciated someone pointing out to me what a dire situation I was actually in. I think pointing him towards that documentary pp mentioned, my wife the abuser, would be a good start. And just be there for him and let him know he's always got a place to run away to if he needs it.

Great idea. Thanks. I've given him the link to
Men's advice line but he had to delete it as she goes through his phone. I plan on texting when he's at work so he can ring then delete

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:07

Tittibits · 30/10/2024 22:57

Talk to him about the importance of contraception in order to ensure he doesn’t end up trapped for life.

There's already been a pregnancy scare 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 00:15

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:20

I would love to hear her side of the story.

As a survivor myself I always tend to be on the side of the woman. But this has opened my eyes.
He's not perfect in fact he's a pain in the ass. But he's fundamentally a decent person. But he's done his best by her. She lost her job and early in the year and he has paid for literally everything since. He drives her everywhere.
And her side of the story is :that he's wrong 100% of the time and I hate her, he's selfish if he doesn't spend 100% of his time with her.
But yeah she's female - perfect, he's male- obviously a bastard 🙄

OP posts:
GreenAlkanet · 31/10/2024 10:17

OP - if you are a survivor, did your son witness that?

I'd say that he clearly needs counselling in any case because it is always helpful for someone in his situation, but if he also had childhood trauma from witnessing your abuse then this is doubly the case. If he did, then he may be able to begin counselling and tell this girl that it is for childhood issues, and it may in turn give him the headspace, perspective and strength to leave this current situation.

Original poster
RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 22:54

GreenAlkanet · 31/10/2024 10:17

OP - if you are a survivor, did your son witness that?

I'd say that he clearly needs counselling in any case because it is always helpful for someone in his situation, but if he also had childhood trauma from witnessing your abuse then this is doubly the case. If he did, then he may be able to begin counselling and tell this girl that it is for childhood issues, and it may in turn give him the headspace, perspective and strength to leave this current situation.

He did witness some. Most of the time his father was out drinking.
That's a good point actually. He has really low self esteem probably due to his dad basically being a pig and putting everything in front of his children.
I will suggest this to him. It's really hard because she goes through his phone.

OP posts:
O6bftdff · 31/10/2024 23:03

RoynJamie · 31/10/2024 22:54

He did witness some. Most of the time his father was out drinking.
That's a good point actually. He has really low self esteem probably due to his dad basically being a pig and putting everything in front of his children.
I will suggest this to him. It's really hard because she goes through his phone.

Show quote history

I lived with parents when I was abused aged 17-21. I wish they’d noticed something was wrong and told me so, but either they didn’t notice or maybe I’d have paid no notice.

But since he’s living at home, surely you get time with him alone so you don’t have to go via his phone?

marmiteloversunite · 31/10/2024 23:03

Can you get him a simple phone that he can keep separately to use for support, contacting friends and family etc?

DFGHJKL · 31/10/2024 23:06

Document anything you can. Ask him to, it may help a lot when he does leave.

Best wishes.

MzHz · 31/10/2024 23:12

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:32

Absolutely. Still, there is always two sides to each story and I would love to hear hers.

Show quote history

WTAF? We’re the descriptions of her behaviour not enough for you?

GreenAlkanet · 01/11/2024 10:56

Yes - you could talk to him about counselling and if he is open to it you could arrange it all on your own phone. No need for her to know at all unless he tells her x

ThePoshUns · 01/11/2024 11:19

Is there a male version of the Freedom Programme that he could attend?

ThePoshUns · 01/11/2024 11:20

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/men.php

Havalona · 01/11/2024 11:31

I'd totally agree with him getting a Burner phone that she cannot access. It would open and maintain private communication with you, and provide links/numbers etc. Sometimes things are easier said in a text than verbally. Would you consider this?

Original poster
RoynJamie · 14/11/2024 01:23

I'd like to update this thread.
He finished it on Monday. 🙏🏼🎉
She basically said something he found unforgivable. He was in a terrible state.
He blocked her on everything and left the house.
She then came and basically bashed on the door and rung the doorbell for an hour, I was home alone so I called the police.
They obviously didn't come out but an
Officer phoned my son and he made a statement. They took his phone and found tons of incriminating stuff on it.
She is being arrested. Police said they take this stuff very seriously now.
They said there might be enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute her.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 14/11/2024 01:59

I'm so glad he was able to end it.

ThePoshUns · 14/11/2024 07:36

That's good news OP. The end was never going to be easy. Hopefully she will leave him alone now.