Just found a note from very ex husband that has really sent me off on one

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short story, 6 years ago (almost to the day, it was 29/10/2018) my violent ex was removed for the last time from my home. Previously to that he had a "romantic" idea to hide notes for me to find so that I wouldnt kick him out. I actually didnt kick him out because I was scared of him. I think it was to prove to himself that he was a good guy and I was a bitch but anyway......

He hid them mainly in books that I love and read often so most of them were found and thrown away years ago. Except tonight I heard a song i love and it reminded me of a film. As I am going through a period of insomnia (again) I thought I would watch it, and lo and behold when I find the DVD there is note "5 of 20". Its totally thrown me. I dont hate him, I dont love him I am utterly indifferent, but its taken me back to that time. I am not the sort of person to say "Its triggered me" but ..... its hit a nerve that I thought was beyond hitting.

So now....cant sleep even more than I couldnt sleep before. I have obviously screwed it up and thrown it away but I guess I just need to let the feelings out. This will pass, I am sure. But it really has sent me off on a spin, remembering how i used to feel. Trying to focus on how wonderful life is now.

Sorry, not sure why I posted really, just need to get the feelings out.

Bleugh. That's some Sleeping with the Enemy level shit. I hope you're ok OP.

What do you feel? Anger? Sadness? Or just a sort of flashback, like being transported back to that awful time?

That sounds really tough. If you’re usually on an even keel nowadays (and therefore wouldn’t necessarily benefit from some EDMR for possible PTSD or similar trauma) then I’d suggest finding a way to bring your mind back to the current day and distracting your brain every time it tries to take you back to the moment you found the note and the past. It can often be a survival mechanism designed to keep you safe. As you are now safe, your brain needs reminding of that by keeping it as much as you can in the present. I find it easiest to do that when it’s raining. I stand in the rain and notice the feel of the drops as they land. If it’s not raining, a shower or bath soothes me. All the best. Hope you get some sleep.

Flashback I think.

And anger that despite thinking I had removed every last trace, he still managed to be here.

He tried to put himself into my life so often after he was removed like "accidentally" being in my local when he knew I would be there and so on. But I found my bitch and he has never done it again. So this has really thrown me. He did the notes thing when we were together, so finding it maybe 8 years on from when he did it is beyond weird.

Totally get why it is uncomfortable, but crumple it up, throw it in the bin, and remember it is in the past. Go to bed, and tomorrow it isn't there. It hasn't been there for years, so no need for it to occupy any space in your head, especially if the space isn't a good one. It is a weird feeling finding something from another time, but remember that it was "another time" and things have moved on for you for the better. xxx

Oh that must have been really unsettling OP.

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but I've seen you being very supportive of others on here, so I'll just send you a hug from a wee chunky Scottish woman (and fellow insomniac) and hope that someone comes along with some good advice soon 💐

So good that you have moved on so far, but so sorry you have had this drag you back a little. So much good advice already. Just wanted to say insomnia sucks and sending a big hug. Get here in the moment and think about how good you are going to make your day tomorrow x

Maybe go and tear it into little pieces so it is destroyed, then think back over happy peaceful times you have had since you finally got rid. How far you've come. Find a new fun program to watch and try get your mind off him

Could your insomnia be related to cptsd or ptsd that arose from the relationship?

Have you had any therapy or help dealing with the after effects of living with abuse?

Your abuser left landmines in your life - do you have a friend who could go through absolutely everything - books, dvds, cds, stored photos or clothes or bedding, etc, and if any more are found, they could be ceremonially burned.

I’d pull the note out of the trash and burn it over the sink / do a cleansing ritual. 💐

@mathanxiety JINX!

I agree, burn it, and send a little voodoo his way... 😄

And by the way, back then, I imagine it was just part of life and you wouldn't have had such a reaction - it's a shock now because you've come so far and changed so much - a good sign! 🤗

ugh those feelings are horrible. Many sympathies. I agree with burn the note.

This weekend my oldest told me what their Dad used to tell them after our split 11 years ago (he was removed by police, yes).
I knew the kind of shit he spouted, but it has knocked me out all over again.

Wish you a cure for the insomnia!

Yes. Totally agree with this.

As my therapist used to say, Be kind and gentle with yourself for a few days, whilst processing.
Then carry on enjoying your new, peaceful life.

Take care OP

I can see why you feel this way and can’t sleep. You were very brave to end it and extract yourself.

You escaped a flood and cleaned up the debris and dirty water, moved back into the home and found a piece of furniture in the corner of your basement with water damage. You still survived the flood, put it behind you & cleaned up. You’re still a flood survivor & free of the flood. The flood is still in the past and no longer a threat to you.

The note is written by a very lost soul. Not a lost soul you could love or help, because he hurt and traumatised you and made that impossible. He hurt you to the extent his romantic guesture makes you now not be able to sleep at night.

The words he wrote are really just the ramblings of someone deeply troubled, someone who hurt the person they claimed to care about. If you hurt someone you claim to love everything you say loses its meaning & validity & truth. It’s just a rambling. The action of placing it everywhere is just a desperate grasp, in the context of an abusive relationship - that’s why it feels romantic and deeply disturbing and not romantic and lovely.

I’m sorry this has happened xoxoxox

I would place it in the toilet and do my next bowel movement on it. I am serious. Your mind, body and spirit need to process that this note no longer has significance or meaning or any any hold over you. It’s just one last piece of crap, that needs to be shat out and flushed away forever .

Oh sorry I forgot this part too - he didn’t win getting last note in or ‘get one past you’. Those notes are dead & insignficant and meaningless because of who wrote and hid them. If you find another one - toilet, excrete on it, flush it.

Hey. Are you still awake or has sleep now come?

I've been awake since 4 since I'm also in a period of insomnia at the moment 🙄

I also agree with burning it. Something really symbolic might help.

I completely understand the feeling though. I went nc with my mother nearly 13 years ago. The tenth anniversary brought some completely unexpected issues. I had nightmares in which she featured heavily.

I want expecting it and often woke up crying 😔 on one occasion I woke the whole house screaming for my mummy.

Im not one for being 'triggered' either but, as much as anything, it's annoying that they can still unsettle you after so much time has passed. You've had a shock and your body has entrerd 'fight or flight' mode. All you can really do is wait for the adrenaline to pass and remind yourself it is the past and you are in a much better place now.

Take care

When I had counselling I was told to write my thoughts and feelings down tear it up then burn it. It does help clear your head for a while at least. Kalms one a night are good for the insomnia.

Get the note out of the bin, burn it over the toilet, wee on the ashes, then flush that fucker away.

Follow it down with half a bottle of bleach.

Congrats on getting to the stage where you're indifferent most of the time. It's a hell of an achievement after living with a sadistic manipulator for years.

I had a similar reaction to a completely different scenario recently and I think it's a shock to realise that someone can still rock your world so many years later. As my therapist said to me though, the thing is it lasts so much less time and you'll feel even stronger once it's passed. What helps me is visualising unhooking my body/brain from the emotion. He no longer really has the power to hurt you; this is like a very nasty aftershock.

Be proud of how far you've come.

I hear you. I understand your need to get it out. You think you're past all that hurt, then an insignificant thing brings it all back up again.

Whilst your ex makes you feel nothing now, he made you feel something when that note was written. And it's that which hurts...the grief process of losing what you once held dear.

I'd do what you're doing. Reflect on who you are now. How far you've come. Be kind to yourself over the next few days. And as you've said yourself, this too shall pass.

Sending you hugs 💐

PS: I find Aldi's sleep tea outstanding

I was recently sorting some loft boxes, including our wedding stuff.

Amongst the latter were letters from my mum and brother after the wedding. DB was the golden child, I was tolerated at best.

Mums letter started nice, lovely wedding etc, but then degenerated into criticism, not particularly of me but of other people and of arrangements after the wedding (we headed off on honeymoon early evening, they stayed in our area another day).

The last line was a bitchy comment about the cost of the reception - they had paid for it, but had also paid for my brothers wedding in full, his IVF and a monthly allowance!

My brothers letter was in similar vain, lovely wedding but then lots of criticism. Neither letter surprised me, given the benefit of hindsight and stuff that happened in later years.

Mum died almost 10yrs ago, I have minimal contact with DB - I read the letters then burned them on our fire. Went off with DH and had a lovely week celebrating almost 30yrs of marriage (an earlier comment of my mums was “it won’t last, he’ll leave you”. We are still together!)

I can understand why the note was triggering, but try and just move on, be glad he is out of your life now. The comment he no longer really has the power to hurt you is a good one.

This comment by @avignon1234 also resounds with me

It is a weird feeling finding something from another time, but remember that it was "another time" and things have moved on for you for the better.

My letters were from nearly 30yrs ago, so very much another time, but still weird to read them.

I am sorry that this was all brought back to the forefront for you. You escaped a nightmare, and it must be hard to have it brought back up again, almost on the date of the beginning of your freedom.

UnMumsnetty {{HUGS}} and I hope you get some rest.