Just found a note from very ex husband that has really sent me off on one

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short story, 6 years ago (almost to the day, it was 29/10/2018) my violent ex was removed for the last time from my home. Previously to that he had a "romantic" idea to hide notes for me to find so that I wouldnt kick him out. I actually didnt kick him out because I was scared of him. I think it was to prove to himself that he was a good guy and I was a bitch but anyway......

He hid them mainly in books that I love and read often so most of them were found and thrown away years ago. Except tonight I heard a song i love and it reminded me of a film. As I am going through a period of insomnia (again) I thought I would watch it, and lo and behold when I find the DVD there is note "5 of 20". Its totally thrown me. I dont hate him, I dont love him I am utterly indifferent, but its taken me back to that time. I am not the sort of person to say "Its triggered me" but ..... its hit a nerve that I thought was beyond hitting.

So now....cant sleep even more than I couldnt sleep before. I have obviously screwed it up and thrown it away but I guess I just need to let the feelings out. This will pass, I am sure. But it really has sent me off on a spin, remembering how i used to feel. Trying to focus on how wonderful life is now.

Sorry, not sure why I posted really, just need to get the feelings out.

When someone has abused you, they justify further attempts at control and intimidation as "romance". It ups the "ick" and makes you feel intruded upon whether or not it's recent or latent - it's unwelcome.

Thank you so much. I did sleep in the end. Put an eye mask and an audio book on.

Went to work and just got back and saw it in the recycling and laughed to myself. I have realised that it was the shock of seeing something that I long since consigned to the past rather than the contents or thoughts of him. I can see it now for what it was which has totally taken the power out of it, same as I see him for what he is so he has no power now either. You know that moment at the end of Labyrinth when she says "You have no power over me!" and the whole illusion collapses? Like that, but I didnt get to wear a pretty dress and dance with David Bowie first!

Very much back to indifference!

Thank you again for your support, it meant a lot.

It's nothing like Sleeping with tbh enemy as the notes were left when you were together.

I get how you feel though. I was going through paperwork recently and found photo copies of diary pages that were used for a serious and sad situation and featured me talking about the love of my life. One of them was even his writing where he'd written in my diary a note to find as he was going to be away for a few weeks and wanted me to know how he felt about me. I immediately remembered it all and felt as I did then. It made me sad as I still love him.

Acknowledge the feelings, think about how far you've come and try not to let it overwhelm you. Pretending you don't feel anything doesn't always help.

You remind me of the babe 😉

Time to crack on @PyongyangKipperbang