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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moaning DH - does it get better?

37 replies

DiffuseProfuseConfused · 29/10/2024 12:03

DH's bad moods are sucking the life out of me. A lot of the time it feels like walking on eggshells. He is always moaning about something, catastrophising everything. It never rains, it pours. There are no small risks, only disasters waiting to happen.

He is very rigid, his opinion is the only right one, everyone else is stupid. He has roadrage every time he drives. He is very quick to anger with the kids for doing kids stuff (like leaving toys everywhere or being loud).

He is always on the phone, and dare I say anything about it, he is doing Something Very Important. He can be very condescending and speak down to me, and when I point that out to him he always turns it on me 'oh here we go again' 'you are being over sensitive'. He doesn't seem to have any empathy, for me or for others.

He doesn't like my friends nor my family, and he doesn't hold back about it. I feel like I can't even talk to him properly, he often monologues at me, but rarely engages in actual conversation. I don't remember the last time we had light-hearted reciprocated chit chat, nevermind normal deep heart to heart.

Life is generally busy at the moment as we both work FT, and DCs preschool age. I do majority of house and kid related stuff.

I just feel so alone and unsupported. I don't know whether it's just a phase which will get better once kids are a bit older, or whether I just didn't want to see him for who he is. I don't know.

Is your DH a miserable moan and did it get better with time?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 29/10/2024 13:06

Split up with mine as life is too short to be miserable! Currently lying in bed in the middle of the day with an amazing man who makes me feel like me again! We laugh so much, he showers me with love, it's how it should be!

unsync · 29/10/2024 13:46

Life's too short for that shit. Find someone who will cherish you and lift you up.

isthewashingdryyet · 29/10/2024 17:31

It only gets better when you put yourself in a place where you can't hear him, or see him.

yarnbarn · 29/10/2024 17:33

Why do you think it will get better?

FrankTurnersCat · 29/10/2024 17:39

Currently divorcing one of these.
Sounds like Eeyore / Marvin from Life, the universe etc on the phone.
Lots of other things too, just as you described. My DC are older (mid to late teens) but I do wish I'd done it years ago.

Sicario · 29/10/2024 17:40

Does he want to stay married to you and remain together as a family? Ask him.

If his answer is yes, then tell him he has to address his behaviour because you're not prepared to live like this nor to subject your children to a childhood in the shadow of a bad-tempered, miserable father.

Brombat · 29/10/2024 17:45

Sounds awful.

And reasons to give him the benefit of the doubt that things will change are?

People don't change as they get older, they get more so...

GreyBlackLove · 29/10/2024 17:47

The thing is, even if it did get better once the kids have grown up a bit by then it's too late. Their formative years were spent with a rigid, joyless, quick to anger father. That's their model.

Life is to short to spend years hoping someone will suddenly decide to be a better person.

RobinEllacotStrike · 29/10/2024 17:50

how awful to face that day in & day out OP.
Marriage isn't compulsory you know.
Many women & children are much happier living without full time joy killers - and I speak from experience.

livelovelough24 · 29/10/2024 18:01

I had one exactly like yours, he sucked life out of me. Took me twenty five years to realize what I was doing to myself and finally left him. So, no, it does not get better, only worse. Sorry OP.

BellissimoGecko · 29/10/2024 18:05

unsync · 29/10/2024 13:46

Life's too short for that shit. Find someone who will cherish you and lift you up.

Exactly this.

You deserve someone who loves you.

PeachyKeane · 29/10/2024 18:13

DiffuseProfuseConfused · 29/10/2024 12:03

DH's bad moods are sucking the life out of me. A lot of the time it feels like walking on eggshells. He is always moaning about something, catastrophising everything. It never rains, it pours. There are no small risks, only disasters waiting to happen.

He is very rigid, his opinion is the only right one, everyone else is stupid. He has roadrage every time he drives. He is very quick to anger with the kids for doing kids stuff (like leaving toys everywhere or being loud).

He is always on the phone, and dare I say anything about it, he is doing Something Very Important. He can be very condescending and speak down to me, and when I point that out to him he always turns it on me 'oh here we go again' 'you are being over sensitive'. He doesn't seem to have any empathy, for me or for others.

He doesn't like my friends nor my family, and he doesn't hold back about it. I feel like I can't even talk to him properly, he often monologues at me, but rarely engages in actual conversation. I don't remember the last time we had light-hearted reciprocated chit chat, nevermind normal deep heart to heart.

Life is generally busy at the moment as we both work FT, and DCs preschool age. I do majority of house and kid related stuff.

I just feel so alone and unsupported. I don't know whether it's just a phase which will get better once kids are a bit older, or whether I just didn't want to see him for who he is. I don't know.

Is your DH a miserable moan and did it get better with time?

This is why I am leaving my husband of 30 years now the kids are older. It just gets worse I'm afraid to tell you.

Autumnblackberries · 29/10/2024 18:14

It won't get better and you shouldn't put up with it.
OTOH whether you will get the chance to meet someone who cherished you is a huge unknown. It seems to be very age dependent.
Not saying you should out up with your husband's contemptuous attitude. Not at all!
BUT consider whether you'd be happier by yourself.
If you are in your 40s meeting another (decent kind and presentable) man is very very difficult indeed.

PeachyKeane · 29/10/2024 18:17

Someone has just posted this on another thread, there is no particular need to meet someone else. Even if I did, I think I would save them for best. For fun, sex, travel and adventure. I never want to live with someone again.

https://poornabell.substack.com/p/in-the-restful-houses-of-women-who?r=8zwv3&triedRedirect=true

In the restful houses of women who live alone

Drawing a line between societal caricature and the peaceful reality

https://poornabell.substack.com/p/in-the-restful-houses-of-women-who?r=8zwv3&triedRedirect=true

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2024 18:23

Sicario · 29/10/2024 17:40

Does he want to stay married to you and remain together as a family? Ask him.

If his answer is yes, then tell him he has to address his behaviour because you're not prepared to live like this nor to subject your children to a childhood in the shadow of a bad-tempered, miserable father.

I think this is a good plan.

put the ball in his court and let him know what he’s doing.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when you are being terribly negative.
But it has to get better ——or you go.
Life‘s too short.

User364837 · 29/10/2024 18:24

I divorced mine too
it wasn’t an easy process but I’m so much happier and freer now 😊
sadly my kids still have to see him eow and still suffer with his moods ☹️

StormingNorman · 29/10/2024 18:26

Unless something situational has triggered a change in his attitude and behaviour, then this is who he is and it will only get worse with age.

category12 · 29/10/2024 18:33

He sounds emotionally abusive - (road-rage is very common in abusive people) and the dislike of your support network is classic, basically trying to isolate you by making it awkward to spend time with them/bad-mouthing them.

He's also going to do a number on your children's self-esteem.

He needs to shape up or ship out.

DiffuseProfuseConfused · 29/10/2024 21:07

Thank you for all your replies. A part of me was hoping it's all situational, but of course it isn't. He was never Mr Happy Sparkles, it just became a lot more obvious after the kids came along.
I can't bring myself to think that it's how the rest of my life will be like. I need to do something about it. I just need to find my balls to rock this boat.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/10/2024 21:10

No it doesn't get better. It's entrenched and gets worse.

CuppaTea23 · 29/10/2024 22:28

Another one mid separation with a similar sounding partner, I can't wait to not constantly have this negativity! I know lots of things about life are going to be harder, single parenting and managing our kids reactions as they adjust, but I honestly feel these little glimpses in the cloudy sky and when he goes off on one of his rants I hear a little voice in my head saying not long left!!!

Sorry, I don't mean to sound gleeful when you're stuck in the negativity day to day. It is really hard not to get pulled down into it all, but your kids see it, and you deserve more joy

Sicario · 30/10/2024 12:05

@DiffuseProfuseConfused - You saying "I just need to find my balls to rock this boat" is a big indicator that you are scared of him and his behaviour.

Are you scared of him and his temper? Don't hesitate to call Women's Aid for advice. Men like this rule the roost with fear and it's a massive red flag.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/10/2024 22:00

Ah yes- I'm married to a much better looking Victor meldrew too- he isn't like it all the time but enough that I live in dread of something triggering him- in my case I do care a lot and I do get why he is stressed and easy to anger , but would prefer to see him in small doses- 30 years here too- it's hard to make the right decision

Popcorn23 · 30/10/2024 22:36

I'm with those who say life is too short to put up with a vortex of misery sucking the joy out of your family life. Walking on eggshells in your own home around someone who seems to show contempt for you is no way to live.

I agree with the poster who said just ask him If he even wants to be married to you (if it is safe to do so). He may change, but if not then find another calm, happy and free life away from misery guts over there.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/10/2024 22:43

I separated from mine (we weren't married and didn't live together). It seemed to me that as soon as he had 'got' me he felt as though he didn't need to bother any more. I should be so happy to have a man that I'd be content to sit in front of the TV listening to his racist, homophobic, anti-everything opinions.

I can assure you that life as a single woman has EVERYTHING to recommend it, and I will never live with a man again (or give one more than the time of day, to be honest).

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