Moaning DH - does it get better?

[DiffuseProfuseConfused]

DH's bad moods are sucking the life out of me. A lot of the time it feels like walking on eggshells. He is always moaning about something, catastrophising everything. It never rains, it pours. There are no small risks, only disasters waiting to happen.

He is very rigid, his opinion is the only right one, everyone else is stupid. He has roadrage every time he drives. He is very quick to anger with the kids for doing kids stuff (like leaving toys everywhere or being loud).

He is always on the phone, and dare I say anything about it, he is doing Something Very Important. He can be very condescending and speak down to me, and when I point that out to him he always turns it on me 'oh here we go again' 'you are being over sensitive'. He doesn't seem to have any empathy, for me or for others.

He doesn't like my friends nor my family, and he doesn't hold back about it. I feel like I can't even talk to him properly, he often monologues at me, but rarely engages in actual conversation. I don't remember the last time we had light-hearted reciprocated chit chat, nevermind normal deep heart to heart.

Life is generally busy at the moment as we both work FT, and DCs preschool age. I do majority of house and kid related stuff.

I just feel so alone and unsupported. I don't know whether it's just a phase which will get better once kids are a bit older, or whether I just didn't want to see him for who he is. I don't know.

Is your DH a miserable moan and did it get better with time?

I could have written this myself! Walking on egg shells, tippy toeing around for fear of upsetting him. Listening to his rants about neighbours, politicians, dog walkers, inconsiderate parking etc etc etc.Fundamentally a good man and provider but.....
Too late for me now, I'm in my 70's. So no, he
won't change. It will only get worse.My advice, get out while your young enough to find some joy and contempment. Good luck.

You are absolutely in a highly abusive relationship as are your children.

Talk to Women's aid and tell family and friends the truth.
You need to start making a plan to get out.
Read the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
It will ring bells with you.

God, your post reminded me so much of what it was like living with my ex. My life (and my children’s lives) is so much happier and more peaceful now that he’s gone.

In fact, even though I knew he was a grumpy bastard, I think I’d become inured to how relentless the negativity was. My children are also his children so unfortunately I do have to interact with him every couple of weeks for handover and I’m always taken aback by how much his negativity and moodiness stands out now that it’s not part of my daily life.

He can manage to be a massive downer in just a 10-minute interaction so god knows how I lived with him before.

Set yourself free!

Oh I forgot to say, these days, I crack jokes with my kids all the time and laugh out loud. My favourite moments are cooking food for my kids, drinking red wine, doing silly dance moves and singing at the top of my lungs. I just wish I had done it sooner.

In the same boat and we'll be divorcing soon. I'm a shadow of my former, happier, self.

It will get worse. He won’t cope with teens being typical teens (lazy, messy, having own opinions, answering back). It will both damage their self esteem and develop similar behaviour in them. I ended my marriage when my dc started speaking down to me in the same condescending way as their dad. DC were happier. Said house was calmer. Their behaviour improved. We had some lovely single parent holidays that weren’t spoilt by the rigid fun sucker. Don’t stay for the dc sake it isn’t benefitting them if I knew how much it would affect them I’d have got out much earlier. once you’ve reached the contempt stage there’s no way back for a relationship anyway.

Thank you for all your insights.
I am just terrified of starting the whole divorce process. It's taking that first leap.

Mine gets like this with too much phone use. I don't nag but I passively aggressively push fomo e.g. "come on kids let's go, daddy can't come as he's on his phone...again"

Feel the fear and do it anyway re divorce. Make an appointment to see a firm of Solicitors local to you. The first step out is often the hardest of steps to take anyway; afterwards it gets easier.

Do not stay with such a fun sponge man because things at home won't improve any for you or your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Imagine this misery for the rest of your life. Imagine this misery for the rest of your children's childhoods.
Imagine them not wanting to visit very often when they're adults therefore YOU don't get to see them very often.
Imagine them not wanting to subject their children to a miserable grandfather.
Or
Imagine being happy. Imagine your DC being happy.
The first step is always the hardest OP.

Pull the trigger on it OP not just for you but for your DC.

There is so much to gain.

Imagine growing up with the scary shouty dad, not knowing if you are going to get in trouble so you walk on eggshells around his indifference to you.

I'm a lone parent, life is lovely and peaceful.

I've done it OP. He's packing up and moving to stay at his dad's as we speak. I've told him I want it completely amicable for the sake of the children. We need to put them before every selfish impulse of our own.

Inside I am giddy with excitement at having my life back. I'm 54.....