How not to take his ED personally.

[hopeforfuture]

I'm a bit sad for my chap who I've been seeing for many years in a very casual relationship. Almost FWB. We've had incredible sex for 8 years and the last couple of times he's really been up for it and got an erection straight away, although lost it towards the end.
He's now told me that he doesn't want sex anymore and has written (by text) 'I've become less aroused by our sex recently so just want to be friends'.
For me, it's come out of the blue but I can't help but think that I'm now so revolting to him in bed?
He's 55.
Is it me?

Hell no. It's him not you.
His text is just rude and egotistical. TTFO.
If he wants to get his ED treated then that's up to him.
If you want good sex find a younger guy.

@starsbrawl - you are correct. I'm feeling sorry for myself ! :)

I'm not sure what people can say really.

Your thread title and your question don't tally.

ED means erectile dysfunction - so sexual performance is impaired even when sexual desire is present. He's said that he doesn't find sex with you arousing anymore.

That's not a dysfunction.

@GreyCarpet yes, you are probably correct, although I cannot fathom how it's gone from amazing sex , him always wanting it and getting aroused at the beginning to him saying the above.

What a rude text. Assuming it is true (l may well be him just blaming you) then it’s a horrible way to say it

He's deflecting as he's embarrassed about being unable to preform the last few times? Shifting the blame to you as opposed to there being an issue with him.
I mean if he really didn't find you attractive anymore he would be far gentler in how he communicated that.. he WANTs you to know that his recent issues are due to you, why ?

It's rude of him to phrase it that way. It's his problem. If he can't be arsed to take Viagra or similar then you're better off without him.
He was trying to put the blame on you, and CBA to make things better. Was he ever even that great in bed to start with? He sounds selfish and quite guarded.
So in conclusion I'd reply 'fine by me. It's not like it was that fantastic anyway'.

It just happens sometimes.

People 'go off' someone for any and all sorts of reasons. It's personal in the sense that they no longer find you attractive or what you're doing doesn't work for them anymore but it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

It's just not what does it for him anymore.

You've described it as casual amd he wants to retain the friendship element but doesn't want to continue with the sex.

He’s attacked you for his inadequacy and I’d be willing to bet he’s been heavily using porn and that’s why he’s started having trouble with maintaining an erection in real life. Happens to a lot of men. Overuse of porn often leads to erectile dysfunction.

People are saying it's his problem but no one knows whether this is a universal problem or just one he is experiencing with the OP. If its casual, I wouldn't automatically presume it's exclusive.

that was my thought too.
sorry, OP

Well first off credit to him for being honest and wanting to stop the sex
wouldn’t necessarily put it down to him not getting it up
sound like it’s gone from throwing each other round the bedroom to plain old routine sex for him

all he needed to say was he’s moving on from FWB sex
not everyone is brilliant at articulating themselves but he could of worded it a lot better

Maybe he met someone else, or just appreciates your company more than the sex.

It's not about you, it's him. There's clearly nothing wrong with you if he's been that interested!

Of course it's not you ..but it's easier for him to pretend it's you ,rather than face the fact he needs some medication to maintain an eretion

Isn’t it bloody obvious?!

He’s developed problems getting it up. And because he’s embarrassed, he’s lying and telling you that it’s you.

‘Oh no, I’m still a total stud, what do you mean can’t keep an erection - oh no that was because, ummm, I just don’t fancy you any more, yeah that’s it, just not turned on any more by you sorry!!’

I would feel sorry for him a bit as it is a really difficult thing for a bloke, our age related changes aren’t quite so brutally laid bare in front of a partner, let’s say. But he’s been an immature twat about it so I wouldn’t feel terribly sorry and might be tempted to send an acid message telling him to a. go to the doctor and b. ditch the bravado because it’s obvious what happened and he’ll do himself no favours pretending with the next woman either as it’s completely cringe.

Rude! He's either blaming you for his issues or else is seeing someone else so is demoting you to 'friends'. Its nothing to do with you if he was always keen before.

He's probably got a new partner..It's rare that a man would turn down regular sex- especially with no strings.

It depends on the type of person he is. If he is normally a kind and great guy, but has a unfortunately blunt way of putting things then you should let it rest.

If you think he has done this as a way of shifting the blame onto you and make you feel bad rather than admit to his own ED problems then you could always text back
' yes i had noticed your not able to perform as well as you used to. As we are a casual hook up, then it seems a bot pointless to carry it on when it has become unsatisfying'

I think he's likely getting it somewhere else.

Cherchez la femme...