Upset after dad's funeral

[mumtumfun]

Dad lived to 87 and had wonderful deep friendships lasting 70 years. A lot of them have died or very old, but all these people who we grew up with as "cousins" ie the same generation as me didn't come
For various (IMO flimsy) excuses. They weren't even away. Granted it was a 3 hour drive away , but it was on a weekend. My amazing dad was so loyal and so sincere- we went to all their family funerals and my parents went abroad for their family weddings etc

It feels hurtful, that when it counted they werent there to honour the old relationships the parents had and their relationship with my dad who they all say they loved.. and to support us as a family.

I feel differeny about these "cousins" now

People get weird with funerals. Don’t take it personally OP. Your dad left a beautiful lasting legacy of being a great man, and will not be forgotten. I honestly think people can’t handle death and bereavement so they avoid funerals if they can.

So these people are nearly 90? And you expect them to do a 6 hour round trip, deal with an emotional funeral kowing it will be them soon.

If this post wasn’t from a grieving person then I would assume it was troll. Most 80 years olds would not be physically capable of such a journey. Just because they didn’t travel doesn’t mean they didn’t care for him.

I’m sorry for your loss. But I think you’re going through the anger stage of grieving.

So sorry you have lost your lovely Dad, he sounds amazing. I'm just wondering that if his relatives are of a similar age, or older, maybe they were not up to the journey?
A 3 hour drive is a lot if you are frail and elderly. Did they express their condolences or send tributes? If so that would be enough for me. Sorry for your loss OP, grief is a process and takes time. Remember your Dad in your own way, l'm sure he knew he was loved.

The OP says they are her generation of ‘cousins’. I’d be upset by that too. Your dad’s generation knew funerals and weddings were important show up events. I am really sorry for your loss OP.

@Spendingtoomuchonfood - no. Not the older people. The younger ones. Read my post. Of course I wouldn't expect a 90 year old to come

Oh sorry.

How old are these younger people? What else is going on in their lives? When was the last time you spoke to them?

In their 40-50s , our families are entwined and we always keep up with their news. We are Indian, and culturally we grew up as cousins .
I feel upset as they didnt bother to pay respect to my dad but send messages afterwards to me saying hope it went ok.
I feel if they are meant to be like family they show up for the big things, like I have /would do

It's sad and disappointing but if the "main" relationship was between your DF and his pals (who have already died, or are too frail to attend) then it's disappointing their DC didn't attend as an acknowledgement of a lifelong friendship and loyalty between families. I would take a step back and take time to grieve and cherish the memory of your lovely loyal dad.

We had this situation when widowed DM died (sadly many of her friends had already died) but even her own remaining sibling couldn't be arsed to attend her funeral. Gave no excuse. We offered them to stay with us the night before or organise transport, but no. A couple of other friends of hers have never even acknowledged her death - and they've stopped sending her Xmas/birthday cards so they do remember we've told them she's died. And we know they're fit and well cos they're always posting on fb!
I think death frightens people as they age as they think if they acknowledge a death they might "catch" it and be the next to die, or get upset at reflecting on relationships regrets.

Cherish your dear dad. It's given you the opportunity to find out who are true family friends.

A 6 hour round trip for a funeral is a tough call.
I think for older generations it was definitely The Done Thing to attend, but I think it’s much less so for people than it was.

My grandmother went to the funeral of everyone she knew; it was considered necessary. Then again, everyone she knew lived within 45 minutes of her home.

I have travelled for close relatives but not those further away in the family tree - I sent my condolences but didn’t travel.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. His memory is far more precious than the number of people at a funeral. I hope in time his memory is a comfort to you.

I get this is upsetting, but depending on the employer it can sometimes be difficult to get time off for a non-immediate relative's funeral. Many would be looking at taking a day's annual leave at short notice and may not get it authorised or may have no annual leave left. Could this be the issue for some people?

I have noticed since covid people are less likely to go to funerals. Think some people are funeraled-out - but it is hurtful when it's your loved one.

I understand youre upset and grieving but cousins are not generally close relatives as they get older. We grew up very close to our cousins. Literally lived around the corner, holidays together etc. I haven't seen them in 25 years.

6 of us at my MIL funeral - she who went to many many peoples family funerals over in Ireland so flight and hotel costs. Barely even registered with them - yes during covid but they didn't even zoom in half of them. We had a scattering for her recently when we went over and still not one turned up to see us or her off. All superficial stuff rather than really caring in my view

So sorry OP, just saw you were referring to your generation of cousins so that's quite different. If you were close then l would feel disappointed too. If you are regularly in touch l would be stepping back for now and concentrate instead on celebrating your Dad in your own way with those who did attend.

I’m in my 40s and have just school aged children. For me to go to funeral it’s would mean an expense of a six hour drive, my children having to miss out on extra curricula activities , parties and the general weekend stuff.

It sounds like you haven’t seen these people in a long time.

@Spendingtoomuchonfood I actually find those excuses , non -excuses znd insulting to be honest. These cousins are not poor either. I was bought up to show up and show you care

I don't think you can do anything to change this. I have similar relationships like ur father that started with my grandmother and the other family's grandmother being from same town back in India... the families knowing each other for generations although not related. They turn up for weddings and funerals as we do for them.

If they were close, we attend the funeral, if not we still call or go visit them post the funeral to pay condolences. Sometimes it's more personal to pay the home visit than attend funeral. Keep an open mind.

I think respect and loyalty and showing friends/family care by being present has down regulated so much since the advent of the internet, mobile phones and even covid. People seem to be overall flakey and much less present in real form - "just fire off a text and that'll do" - and it does hurt when your own loyalty isnt matched. But maybe find solace in cherished memories of a loving dad, and don't focus too much on your cousins as it will lead to bitterness and don't give them the headspace.
I know with our own family circumstances I would think hard about whether to attend my aunt or uncles funeral (as they couldn't be bothered to attend DMs). But "D"Aunt&Unc have always been cheapskates anyway and have probably prebooked a direct cremation 😉

I get you OP. You always remember who DIDN’T step up and get there after a loss rather than who did. It’s natural.
We deliberately didn’t accept the offer of live streaming my gran’s funeral for this reason - if you want to get there, you will (we had nobody who would be prevented from being there due to age or illness but a lit of potential CBA candidates who would have gone for the internet option if it was offered).
Stuff em, and so sorry about your Dad.

Totally get it. Unfortunately people are selfish and many of the cultural traditions and ties that made south Asian people support each other back in the day no longer exist.

May your dad RIP. Cherish his memories and ignore those that haven't bothered making an effort to pay their last respects to him.

I would be upset by this. I've traveled many times to my great and not uncle and aunt's funerals. Next week I'm going for two and a half hour drive to go to my uncles 80th birthday which is on a Wednesday night, very inconvenient but these things are important.
I wouldn't do anything about it but I would definitely feel differently towards the cousins.

I am sorry for your loss OP but I feel you are being unreasonable towards these people in your grief.

My mum died at Christmas and I really didnt want to attend her funeral. I did, but I had to force myself. Some people dont like funerals. I am one of them.

The distance of a 6 hour round trip is pretty extreme and it just may not have been possible for some. It doesn't mean they don't care.

I think you are being quite unreasonable. There are many reasons why it might have been difficult for these people not to attend the funeral and you do not have the right to organise their time by telling them what and whom they should prioritise. Many people, particularly since Covid, don't even hold traditional funeral anymore, with options like direct cremation becoming the norm. You and your father may choose to consider attending funerals an important duty but you don't get to impose that upon others. Be disappointed by all means but I think you are expecting too much of people. The world changes.

I just attended a funeral for a woman I've never even met. It was a Sikh funeral and lasted about four hours between the temple, the crematorium and back to the temple. I went because my friend, her daughter, asked me to. Her three siblings and adult children were there but she wanted/needed the support of some of her friends and I took the day off to go.
I didn't want to. It wasn't convenient, as I said I'd never met her, I'd rather not have had to stand around listening to a service mostly in a language I don't understand, and with people I didn't know.
But I am so happy I went. My friend was deeply grateful. Funerals aren't for the departed but for those left behind.
I would also look at those cousins differently now. I am grateful that when my husband died my own cousins - many of whom I'm not close to and did not know him - came out of the woodwork to attend his funeral and show support.

@SharpLily wow. Not sure i demanded anything from anyone..I just said it was hurtful.

I am sorry about your loss.
My father died in 2022 aged 94. He still had friends of his age and some younger. When I did the horrible job of ringing to let people know that he had died so many of them- especially the elderly were very relieved that he had asked to not have a funeral. They would have felt obliged to go to "show respect" but were frankly scared of going to anything where a large number of people were gathered in case they caught something.
Granted we are further on from the covid pandemic now but some older people have not lost this fear. I see it in elderly neighbours too.
We have had a societal shift.
I appreciate this does not make it easier for you OP but maybe it explains it a little.