He died

[Edengreen]

long time poster- changed my name as I don’t want to out myself.

I was with my son’s dad for a lot of years, I loved him dearly and at the start he was a good man. But he had issues with alcohol and drugs. After I had my little boy (now 9) I stayed with him till he was 4 but found out the extent of what he was doing so left him.
He wasn’t a good dad and for years I tried to make him be there for my son- he never was. My little boy got let down far more times then I can count and I stopped him from seeing him all together.
we rebuilt our lives and have been happy just the two of us. I was still in contact with my ex- I would get the odd message asking me how we were, that he loved me etc. I never really replied and if I did it would be with anger as I was still so sad at the situation, I said a lot of things which were said out of frustration.

I got a call a few days ago to tell me he had died and my heart feels broken, for my son because he is now never going to get that chance again and I feel like such a hypocrite but I am also so very deeply sad.
I can’t stop crying and I feel so guilty for the things I have said these past few months. My son won’t talk about it as he said he can’t right now, I’m trying to make things better for him, be there for him but I know how hard this is for him to process.
I feel like I am in a deep depression of grief and I am feeling so selfish but I didn’t think this would hurt as much or we would ever be in this situation. I thought there would be time in the future for things to work out.
I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post but if anyone has any advice for us that would be really helpful. Thank you x

Oh I'm so sorry OP.
I totally feel for you.
My first husband was an alcoholic. I know realistically how badly he treated me . I left him because if I hadn't I would have died of drink related illness because I got sucked into his world. As far as I know he is dead now but I still remember the good times with him as the best times of my life. I never stopped loving him. And I grieve for him even after so many years and a second marriage.

So I totally relate to how conflicted you feel . And how sad. And how difficult it is because he is your son's father.

Sending you good wishes

You're allowed to grieve OP. It's not hypocritical. You shared good times with him once and you can remember those and reflect on them. Your son has also lost his dad, no matter how little contact they had, no matter how little his dad was actually there for him. It's totally understandable that you both feel devastated and conflicted and battling a hundred emotions.

I would firstly line up some proper child support services/therapy for your son - this situation sadly won't be uncommon and there will be something in your area that will help. Also just talk together, show your son your grief so he knows it's ok to cry and be upset.

And then one day at a time is the best advice I can give. Best of luck to you both.

I'm so sorry, OP. May I suggest Winston's Wish, a child grief charity that may be able to support your son? I hope you have someone IRL you can turn to to process it all xx

@Edengreen so so sorry for your loss. No words I have seem adequate just now. 💐🫂🙏💕

I'm sorry op. We still grieve people who were bad for us. I think we grieve the lost opportunities and what we hoped would be as well as the person.

Deep down you know that he wasn't ever going to be what you and your son wanted him to be, but it's still very sad for you both that he's gone, and with him any possibility of change.

Be kind to yourself. Nothing that you do is wrong in this situation, so grieve however feels right to you.

You are allowed to grieve. I think with addicts it’s very easy to see the potential and be sad they are making the choices they are making.

It is a tragedy, it is something to grieve. It’s still okay that you prioritised yourself and your son. It was the right thing to do. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite to be sad someone you loved and who is the father of your child has died.

So sorry for your loss - try not to feel guilty about the past - you will have made the right decisions for the situations at the time - sending you hugs.

You're allowed to grieve for the lost parent of your son, the relationship you wished you could have had, and for just having someone you've loved die.
Take your time.

It's not hypocritical to grieve for him.

You tried for a long time and you had (and have) reason to be angry that he let you and your son down. You have nothing to feel guilty for - he did the wrong thing many times and his issues hurt you and your son. Your frustration was justified. You wanted better for your son.

You're allowed to feel more than one thing at a time. You can be angry and frustrated and devastated. It's really sad that who he was when you first knew him was lost, and that he never managed to find his way back to being that person.

I don't have any wise words, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, just remember you did what was best for you and your boy and you mustn’t have any guilt.

I had a good friend of mine commit suicide last year. He was 39. He was an alcoholic and homeless. We lived together in our late teens but as I got older I realised he was a liability and I walked away. Every now and again we would catch up but nothing ever changed.

when I heard he had taken his own life I felt a huge amount of guilt, even though I had nothing to be guilty about. Even now, 18 months later if I talk about him to friends I burst into tears which is weird given I only saw him a handful of times over the last 15 years.

stay strong

Of course you're grieving for him - you loved him. His addictions gave you no choice but to leave him, because you put your child's needs and welfare first, quite rightly.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Please get some support for your son and just as important, yourself.

Grieve for the man he once was, could have been, and for the good times you had.

So sorry, OP. Also grieving an alcoholic (my mother) and it's fucking hard.

So you had been frustrated with him and said some angry things – that's because you cared. Because you had once loved him deeply. Alcoholics don't see it like that but all rational, healthy people understand that it is so difficult and frustrating to deal with someone else's addiction. And all we want is for them to change and recover, and it's literally a matter of life and death. Please don't feel bad or guilty at all. If you hadn't cared, you wouldn't have said anything at all.

For your son, I would say be ready to (eventually) tell him everything and help him understand everything possible about who his father was before, and how things went wrong. He will probably need a complete story as he gets older, and this is going to take a very long time. (It's hard enough for me and I am so much older.) Are there any personal/meaningful items you can get hold of now, to keep for him? Anything that gives him a connection to who his father was, when you loved him. Any decent uncles who can step up too?

It will also be important to give him all the tools possible to keep himself safe as he gets older, and talking and knowledge will be so helpful here.

It might be good to speak to Cruse (or look at other bereavement-related charities) about support for yourself and your son.

So sorry for your loss. Everything you did was for the best intention for your son. As many have said, you are allowed to grieve for what was, for what didn't work out and for what will not be. It is very very sad. I suspect you are also grieving on your son's behalf too. I hope you can find some support in RL for both of you

I am so sorry to hear this 💐. You have every right to be grieving and feel sad. He was a big part of your life at one time, and was a massive part of your son's life regardless of circumstances. Take care , sending hugs💕

I'm really sorry for your loss. You are allowed to grieve for the man you once knew, the father of your son, as things were at some point in the past so good that it blessed you with your son.

If you don't feel that you can reach out to a grief counsellor straight away, reach out to The Samaritans. Talk to someone, a friend, a relative. You're grieving for the life you had, the life you wanted to have, that you thought through some small miracle you might still have had but now you won't. That is tough for anyone. Be kind to yourselves. Your son needs his mother and if he's in school, reach out to the school counsellor there too. Tell them what has happened. They may have support structures in place for events like this.

We're here if you feel that it's easier to type out your thoughts. I am really sorry for your loss.

Grief is loss, you can even grieve the loss of a possibility or 'what could have been.' It is sad op and not hypocritical at all. How you feel makes total sense x

I'm sorry for your loss. I've been through something similar and I need to tell you to not carry that guilt. It will be very raw right now, and open wound, it feels heavy and the waves hit you so hard at first. You'll blame yourself in every which way as the months and years go by but it's not your fault. You weren't to know what would happen, you can't carry the guilt of the things you did or didn't say.

Be very kind to yourself right now. It's not your fault. Your son needs you, you can get through this. It'll be hard to see it right now but that heaviness will lift a little, you'll be able to breathe. One day at a time x

Thank you all so so much for your kind words, it’s made me feel reassured.
I just had no idea I would feel like this, I literally feel like my world has caved in and for the past few years he hasn’t really been a part of my world so I’m really finding it hard.
the coroner is having a lot of contact with me which I’m finding difficult and I’m just imagining him being all alone, dying thinking I hated him. I’m trying to remember good times and I literally can’t. It’s like my mind has erased anything good we had together and I don’t know why.
My son is just being very quiet. I’m letting him know it’s okay to be sad but he just doesn’t want to talk about it.

thank you all again I really appreciate it x

I was in a reasonably similar situation in march ,

Exdh had let dcs down again and again, no contact for years , we didn't even know where he lived.

He died in march and it hit me so much harder that I would have thought.

I think I was always hoping we'd have a chance to really talk about it all (he walked out and refused to talk to me )

And on some level thought he might, just might, have a relationship with the dcs.

It was a very faint hope but now there's no hope at all.

You will grieve , for the man you loved and the , now sadly , certainty that you can never have any more chances to work through things .

It's very tough, be kind to yourself , it's tricky as , from a society point of view you are not grieving a partner.

I felt like I didn't "deserve" to be upset.

Take time , it IS grief

I can't give you any advice, I'm so sorry you've had this news. You sound like a great mum, you gave your son's dad lots of chances to be a parent but he wasn't up to it and you chose to protect your son rather than let him be let down. My dad was a drug user who died when I was very young. I feel compassion for him as addiction is an awful thing, but he made his own choices (or maybe addiction is so difficult you go beyond choice or control I don't know ?) and didn't get to see me grow up. Maybe let your son know that he made bad decisions but that he loved him? There's the feeling when your parent dies like that, that they didnt love you enough to stay around for you. You're entitled to be angry with your ex for being self centred and awful though. I sometimes think my mum resents me as she sees my dad in me.

I am so sorry. I could have written your entire post. PM if you want. Sending love to you both. X

I’m so sorry OP. It is your loss as well as your sons.

My daughter’s Dad died just before her 4th birthday from a heroin overdose. We split up when she was 9 months old. We hadn’t been in touch for a year before he died. I still feel guilty. All the what ifs and unanswered questions.

i found focusing on my daughter and trying to give her lots of love and the best life possible helped me keep going. One day at a time.

Sending you a massive hug.