He died

[Edengreen]

long time poster- changed my name as I don’t want to out myself.

I was with my son’s dad for a lot of years, I loved him dearly and at the start he was a good man. But he had issues with alcohol and drugs. After I had my little boy (now 9) I stayed with him till he was 4 but found out the extent of what he was doing so left him.
He wasn’t a good dad and for years I tried to make him be there for my son- he never was. My little boy got let down far more times then I can count and I stopped him from seeing him all together.
we rebuilt our lives and have been happy just the two of us. I was still in contact with my ex- I would get the odd message asking me how we were, that he loved me etc. I never really replied and if I did it would be with anger as I was still so sad at the situation, I said a lot of things which were said out of frustration.

I got a call a few days ago to tell me he had died and my heart feels broken, for my son because he is now never going to get that chance again and I feel like such a hypocrite but I am also so very deeply sad.
I can’t stop crying and I feel so guilty for the things I have said these past few months. My son won’t talk about it as he said he can’t right now, I’m trying to make things better for him, be there for him but I know how hard this is for him to process.
I feel like I am in a deep depression of grief and I am feeling so selfish but I didn’t think this would hurt as much or we would ever be in this situation. I thought there would be time in the future for things to work out.
I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post but if anyone has any advice for us that would be really helpful. Thank you x

OP very similar happened to me and my ds in the summer. I had a thread on it at the time. The immediate grief has eased but I think that's because it still doesn't seem real. Ds and I went to the funeral and I'm glad we did. I'm sorry for your loss and if you want DM me to chat you'd be welcome to do so. It's a very confusing time and I was bouncing from one emotion to the next in a matter of minutes. Mainly deep sadness to anger and back again. Look after yourself and allow yourself time to process

i am so sorry for your loss. my ex husband passed last year, leaving our 2 DD's and it is heart breaking to watch. this person was a part of your life and you loved this person and because of them you created a whole other person who you adore with your entire being.. i think its perfectly normal to grieve, to be sad about a part of your life thats now gone forever and also to be sad for your son!

i'd like to say it gets easier, but even just the other day i was driving to work and my ex came to mind and i was completely overwhelmed by sadness... it does get easier and as they say, time is a great healer.

hugs to yu

You’ve had a terrible shock, OP. In some ways, it’s harder to deal with an unexpected death, even of a person to whom we are no longer close , than with an anticipated although dreaded death. You have no preparation , it just hits you.

I think as well, that in your situation,you suffer from the death of hope. There is always just a glimmer that the person you loved might recover, might return to the self you knew and loved. Now you realise that that will never happen.

Be kind to yourself. You have no need for self reproach.

My DS's father died when he was 13, we hadn't been together for 10 years at that point as we split due to his drinking.
We were in regular contact though, and he had visited every few weeks - he lived about 100 miles away. It became less during the year before he died, so I guess he had an idea what was ahead for him.
It's a sad addiction, and they are their own worst enemy. Such a waste.
People assume if you've not been together for years, it won't hurt that much, but it still hurts a lot. Work doesn't cut much slack for it - I got 2 days off and told it was carers leave for my son's sake. 1 day for his funeral, but as it was a long distance, I needed to stay overnight, so had to make up the hours for taking 2 days off. Sods law that he died in March and I'd used up all spare annual leave by then.
I think it took a long time for both my son and I to realise he was gone forever, as we saw him less frequently, it's like he could still be around.
I still remember the good times, chat openly about them with my son. His father had some good points, which is why I'd loved him, and I've told my son that he is the best of him. He reminds me of all his good points, without the bad. Every now and then, a bit of sadness about it still hits, though its coming up to 8 years since he died.
For me it was a weird feeling to now be the only one around who had the memories, good or bad. There's no one else who knows, so it feels a tad lonely and pointless to be the sole keeper of those memories now.
As with any death, it gets easier with time. It's a tricky one in your situation as he didn't maintain any relationship with your DS, he's probably not sure how he should feel or what to make of it. It will take a while to process, There's not much he can say as he didn't know him. He may ask about him in future years, just be open and talk when he wants to, but don't make him talk about it if he doesn't want to, unless he stuggles as he gets older and counselling might help in that case.

I have been here where you are, minus the son.. My partner died last year, he was an alcoholic and took drugs.

I'm still living with the guilt that I said some awful things to him coz I really struggled with him putting drink and drugs before us. We weren't in contact when he died and he was in a big depression coz of the drink and drugs and the life he had chose but I still feel like I just wanted him to know how I felt but I should've been kinder..
I've gotta live with that and its really difficult.. But it does get a bit easier over time.

My day isn't filled with the guilt as much anymore. Altho it's there but I try to remember what he did to me too.
Time does help a little.

You're grieving and so is your Son and there's no time line to that grief. I'm over a year on and it's still there every day.

Just let your Son come to you when he's ready and remember the good times together and let him talk to you. Maybe that will ease your guilt a bit, talking positive about him and your memories coz weirdly, when he was alive I struggled to speak positively about my partner, there wasn't much, but now I struggle to see the negative anymore coz it's no longer important.

Youl get there, it will just take time and in your own time, there's no time line on grief.

Hi OP, I am a 'child' of a man who died like this (albeit when I was an adult so he was out of my life many many years).
I cannot talk about it, as there is no feeling there. As I see it, I was abandoned as a child and drugs/drink came first. Which now I have my own child, it's even harder to imagine how those things can come first.
My DM has grieved and wished we had a relationship because 'he was a great person' but to me, I did not know that person. I can't sit there and listen to stories and I can't forgive him. He was the adult, I was a child. In time your son may be different but he will have his own painful memories of his father and knowing now there is no chance of a reconciliation - who knows if there ever would be?
It's very uncomfortable for me to hear stories from his school days, when he was the 'absolute legend who cared deeply about his close ones' because to me, it is simply not true and people often portray the dead with rose tinted glasses. For a child to understand drugs and alcoholism is not necessarily a choice but a disease, is only normal.
Please don't push him to talk about it, grieve for your own loss of the man, but respect your son's loss is different to that man and you cannot force him to talk and think in certain ways.

I’m trying to remember good times and I literally can’t. It’s like my mind has erased anything good we had together and I don’t know why.

OP, this is a common reaction to the death of someone we had a difficult relationship with. I don't know why our brains do this, but try not to worry about it. You did have good times with him, before things went wrong for him, and the memories will return.

Do you have any photos you could look through with your child? It's ok for him to know you're sad too.