Feeling uncomfortable about my bf's friendship with a woman but I think I'm being unreasonable....

[kitkat2024]

I need someone to talk some sense into me. My bf's friend died about a month ago - I didn't know him - and since then he has been supporting his friend's ex gf with her grief. They message every day and he is seeing her for coffee on Saturday. I'm not usually a jealous person but I do feel uncomfortable about this as I know they can bond over their grief and I am worried it could turn into more. He has given me no reason not to trust him so I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Any advice? I feel like I need to get my worries out here rather than bringing them up to him. I have been doing my best to support bf with his grief - listening to him, cuddles, getting him his favourite snacks etc.

Sounds like he's just being a nice, supportive person. Maybe try look at it from your perspective, if it were roles reversed; and how you would feel if he questioned your motives.

It’s difficult as they will be supporting eachother through grief as it’s still very fresh and they both clearly had a close bond with the person who has passed so will be leaning on eachother. Perhaps you can offer to spend time as a couple with her if he wants to offer her support, that way she knows you are a unit she can seek support from rather than just your boyfriend.

Thanks ladies; I don't think it's appropriate for me to go along to their coffee too seeing as I didn't know the guy. I'm starting to think that this is just a 'me' issue - my dad had an affair when I was young which is possibly why I am so insecure. I do need to trust my bf and if he's going to cheat there's not much I can do about it! We're not being as intimate as usual which he says is because he is sad and grieving which of course could be the case but does make me wonder if he's gone off me....

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here , and say I would be a little worried, the lack of intimacy is notable . However my ex had an affair with, so I’m super sensitive about these things .

It's one of those situations where unless something happens it could be completely innocent
Until it isn't
It's a tricky one
I'm in a similar situation and I have to admit it's got to the point that it's driving me insane

It's possible that something will happen between them, but I don't really see what you can do about it.

You can't really kick off about him supporting someone who was bereaved a month ago, you didn't know the friend or her so you can't tag along - you can only give it time. Their contact should drop off naturally. If it doesn't then it'll come to a head one way or another.

I wouldn’t have thought it that notable if you have just lost your best friend.

Hold on a second. What exactly is worrying you?
The fact they are going for a coffee ? How is that worrying?
What can happen in that scenario that keeps you worried?
You need to be rational about this. They are grieving. If for whatever reason this could somehow progress into some sort of affair, then they are both mentally sick. You would then proceed to dump him and move on. Better to find out now, right?
You have low selfsteem. You need to work on that.

How much of a friend was the deceased person because it seems strange you didn’t know him.

Call me an old cynic but I’m yet to see a man playing counsellor to someone he’s not attracted to.

The daily messaging is a bit ott, surely she has other support besides your bf, I do understand it would be a difficult time for both and the coffee wouldn't bother me, but constant contact isn't necessary if still ongoing, I'd say see how things go over the next few weeks, don't say anything to him, just let it unfold and see how you feel, it might hopefully die down.

I wouldn't like it either but if you say anything you look like a cow.

They both lost someone they love and are sharing the grief . I think you have to trust him.

Maybe we need more context
How long had he known his friend and how often had he met his friend's partner previously?
How long have you been together? How close exactly were they if you'd never met him ?
Also
I don't see any reason you couldn't go along to their coffee meetings . I don't think it would be inappropriate. If he tried to put you off doing so then maybe you have something to worry about .

Ok so a little bit of context: we have been together 3 1/2 years and I never met the friend because he lived a 2 hour train journey away, bf saw him twice a year at most because from the time that we met his friend was very unwell with cancer - in and out of hospital, having ops, not up to visits etc and when they did meet they wanted it to just be them and not partners too. They knew each other from uni, so 16 years of friendship.

Bf apparently promised friend earlier this year that if anything happened to him he would look out for his gf. Bf is a very moral and principled person so feels a duty to do this.

I agree that I have low self-esteem which is why this is troubling me esp as the gf is attractive. The near daily messaging does feel a bit too much but I'm hoping this will die down as they come to terms with their grief. As many of you have pointed out, I can't say or do anything - if he is going to cheat, he will and I can't say how I feel because I'll look like a cold hearted bitch.

He died a month ago.

It will hopefully calm down OP. I don’t think it would hurt to suggest to BF that daily messaging is a bit intense and unsustainable especially when he is in a relationship. That’s more than “looking out for someone” in my opinion. It’s ok to set a boundary here but I think it needs to be done very carefully and sensitively.

As it seems your BF wasn’t that close to his friends GF it seems quite a lot to have got to daily messaging in my mind. If they were close mates beforehand (the girlfriend and your boyfriend) then I wouldn’t be concerned.

@Mumlaplomb yes I agree. They used to correspond via text about the friend's treatment when he was unable to but I think they had only met once or twice before. I think on some level my bf may be gaining strength and support from her too. Something for me to keep an eye on and if I do say something I will have to word it very carefully.

Yes messaging every day, even in the circumstances of your bf 's friends death is quite extreme. You have been supporting your bf, and you would expect the bereaved gf to have family or friendship support of her own.
I would be concerned about your bf's promise to " look out" for the gf. Because if your bf takes that promise seriously he may intend to continue and develop this friendship long term. In which case the messaging and the meeting up will continue and there is a real possibility of them growing very close.
I think you need to keep a watchful eye out OP.

I think she needs to find someone else to rely on. As harsh as that may sound.

"How's Alice holding up now? It must be so hard for her, after Jack's long illness. I hardly dare imagine. Has she got good people around her? She'll be needing her friends to support her back into everyday life. I hope she doesn't get too dependent on you, do you feel she's moving forward at all? Would you like to invite her and a friend to meet some of our friends, just a low-key thing?"

@kitkat2024, your concern is valid. Your Partner and this vulnerable woman are engaging in over-frequent contact, and inappropriate emotional intimacy/reliance is developing between them. The intense messaging has now ramped up to their meeting up.

He is playing with fire right in front of you. This is all too much and boundaries are blurring. His channeling this abundance of emotional energy into her has the potential to damage your relationship if his focus and validation transfers to her. Also, he is doing her no favors by fostering their codependence. He is not equipped to be her therapist and sole crutch.

You need to address this with him, @kitkat2024. You will kick yourself later if you don’t. If he values your relationship and wants to help her in a healthy way, he will dial back the contact, perhaps touching base with her a few times a week and then decreasing that as time passes.

Was the relationship between the gf and deceased friend long term/ life partnership?

Either way, this guy died a month ago. One month. Put yourself in her shoes. How do you think it feels one month after you lose your partner? Do you think you feel like jumping into bed with someone else?

I'm an insecure person myself, but if you make a fuss about this you are going to go down in his estimation. Maybe acknowledge that what he's doing is actually a really effortful thing instead. I think at some point you can say you miss him etc and rightfully claim some of his energy but one month is not that point.

Was she his girlfriend or his ex-girlfriend?

This is the best advice on here hon.