Feeling uncomfortable about my bf's friendship with a woman but I think I'm being unreasonable....

[kitkat2024]

I need someone to talk some sense into me. My bf's friend died about a month ago - I didn't know him - and since then he has been supporting his friend's ex gf with her grief. They message every day and he is seeing her for coffee on Saturday. I'm not usually a jealous person but I do feel uncomfortable about this as I know they can bond over their grief and I am worried it could turn into more. He has given me no reason not to trust him so I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Any advice? I feel like I need to get my worries out here rather than bringing them up to him. I have been doing my best to support bf with his grief - listening to him, cuddles, getting him his favourite snacks etc.

Is this girlfriend coming on a 2 hour train journey for coffee, or is your bf travelling there?

Her bf died a month ago. My guess is she's still utterly reeling and every single day it's a struggle to get out of bed. She's probably talking to your bf a lot because he's someone who shares that grief - my experience is that it's not the same talking to someone who only knew your loved one through you. You want someone who is in the same place as you. Sharing memories is a part of the grieving process. It is why we come together at funerals. She's not using her bf's death as an excuse to jump your man.

This is one of the silliest and most cruel things I’ve seen on here. This woman has just lost her partner after he’d had a terminal illness for years, and you think her priority should be sex-segregating the way she grieves?

Disagree, why isn't he leaning on his partner, the OP instead of his friend's girlfriend? If it's just coffee it's fine but if it's becoming a theme that he's shutting out the OP in favour of this other woman , that's not a good sign.

I don't expect for a moment she is " using her bf's death as an excuse to jump your man" as you put it. Of course she is grieving. They both are.

But you are being very naive if you don't see that the shared support and reliance, extremely frequent communication and now also physical meet ups can't very easily develop into a deep emotional connection inappropriate for a man in a relationship.

Of course that's not their intention but it's a very real possible outcome.

They're both grieving terribly and they will be for a while.

You've got to trust him and support him.

Because his partner didn't know his best friend - it is very normal to want to share memories with other people who knew and loved the deceased. When I lost my best friend I didn't want to talk to my husband and tell him over and over about that one time we did X. I wanted to sit in a pub with my other best friend and share our memories of her. She felt a little closer that way for a while.

Talking to my husband about a woman he only knew through me and wasn't especially fond of was not at all the same.

I’d be worried that they bond over their grief and it already looks like they are becoming too close. This is how people fall for each other.

Because his partner never even met his dead friend, at a guess?

Are you honestly this cruel in real life?

His partner not meeting the friend is irrelevant. It's nice to share memories with someone who knew the person who died but usually when you're in a serious relationship that's the person that you share things with as they're the one you love. This arrangement sounds like it could he detrimental to the relationship as OP is feeling discarded. He can spend as much time with this woman as he likes but he then can't be surprised when OP has had enough and moves on.

• edited to say whether she met him or not or just didn't know him very well, my thoughts on this are the same.

Idk if this will be helpful but here's my experience. When my brother died his two best friends were my absolute lifeline. We all looked after eachother. Messaging every day at first, having weekly video calls together etc. I went out for dinner with them a few times both together and individually. I'd known of them, heard lots of stories, but they were firmly my brother's friends not mine. One of them I'd never even met before this happened.

I'd say for 6-8 months until we were over the main shock and the memorial was over (lots of reasons it took so long) we were intensely in contact. I'm so grateful they were there for me, and me for them. We are all married and our spouses didn't travel overseas with us when we went to deal with everything and then again for the memorial. We all have young children so they stayed home with them. That was 3 years ago and now we catch up around my brother's birthday and sometimes randomly when we see something that reminds us of him. It slowed down naturally as we all healed and moved on.

All situations are different, but one month is still super fresh. I was still struggling to breathe one month in. Am so grateful that my husband, and their spouses were supportive and let us handle our grief together.

Having lost my husband to cancer, the very last thing on my mind was having a relationship with anyone else. A month is nothing . I needed support from people who knew and loved him, who knew what I was going through.

God, imagine being so territorial that the grief of someone you purport to love is approached as some form of primitive pissing competition with another grieving person.

There are some harsh replies on here. It’s human to feel worried when your partner is connecting with another woman like this. There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel. I think though that they are just sharing their grief and it will die away naturally as they work through it. Try not to let your jealousy get the better of you and spoil your relationship.

Well where is this woman if her deceased bf lives 2 hrs away…how well does your partner know her if he only saw his mate twice a year?!

You said this is his friend's ex girlfriend - do you mean his girlfriend? As in they were together when he died? It's very disrespectful to call her his ex girlfriend if so. Ex means they split up, not that he died!

Of course he's not wanting sex at the moment, he's grieving. You don't know the friend. You can't support him the way someone else who loved him can.

my mum died less than a month ago. I'm in daily contact with my siblings. They are the other people who loved her like I did.

Id also be upset. People get too involved these days thanks to phones. Your priority should always be your partner not another woman. In the kindest way possible she should have other family and friends to help her. You should be included in coffee dates.

My ex used to stay friends with his ex. Its horrible not knowing if their emotions were flipping about whilst talking.

You are worrying about something that has not happened and probably won't happen. The fear is in response to your own thoughts not reality. I think your dad's affair is the trigger.

Of course it's possible that your fears might manifest into reality but there is little you can do to prevent that without looking like the bad guy. You have known your bf for a few years and you have not said you don't trust him generally so try and reason with yourself

Bf apparently promised friend earlier this year that if anything happened to him he would look out for his gf. Bf is a very moral and principled person so feels a duty to do this.

Your BF sounds like a good bloke, OP. Honestly, if he was the kind of guy to break a promise to a dying friend within a month of the friend dying I would think that a much much bigger red flag.

How are things going, @kitkat2024? Have you spoken to your BF about your thoughts?

I still believe that your concerns are reasonable. ‘Looking out for’ his friend’s gf/ex gf does not mean building an intense relationship featuring blurred boundaries, over-reliance, and codependency.

Thanks everyone, I did have a feeling I was being unreasonable which is why I posted here. Bf is meeting the girlfriend in London next weekend where she lives as he is already there seeing other friends - he's not making a special trip to see her. The messaging has died down and he has spoken of his worry that she might not be ok as he hasn't heard from her in a few days but also wanting to respect her boundaries and not harass her. I'm feeling more rational about the whole thing now.