Husband calling me lazy to friends

[Mumbelle44]

My husband has made a few comments when we have been with friends recently implying I do nothing around the house and that he is the ‘back bone of our family.’ I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. He gets annoyed if I say anything like that was rude or if I ask him anything so it is difficult to bring it up without causing world war 3.

For context we both work and earn the same. I do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, put all the clothes away etc . He loads the dishwasher when I ask him. Does anyone have any tips of speaking to someone who flys off the handle when you try and bring something like this? Thank you x

Why do you do all the cooking cleaning etc if you work the same hours?

Why do you think you are willing to accept being treated like the shit on his shoe?

Let there be world war 3- with you starting and finishing it. I’d rip him a new arsehole in front of everyone!

You need to stand up for yourself when he’s negating you to his friends. A quick - oh so doing all the cooking / cleaning / childcare is NOTHING now? Noted. If it causes ww3 then he deserves it.

I would start the conversation with divorce papers.. why would you share your life with someone who feels of the handle from a simple conversation

Just call him out in front of them. Can you tell us the last time you cooked dinner or cleaned the toilet Dave?

This. And why are you letting him put you down? So what if he gets annoyed? Are you scared of him?

"I'll remember that later" "I'll look forward to you cooking from now on" every time he mentions it
My ex told everyone I never changed so much as a nappy so I moved them when his mum came over true to form he went to change her nappy (never did it without an audience) no nappies!! Where are the nappies? You do everything why don't you tell me? He looked panicked he asked me again I said well as I never clean the flat or change a nappy how would I know? His mom pissed herself laughing because she knew her son was full of shit and I passed him a nappy that was in a box with the word "nappies" on it in big bold fucking letters 🙄

Can you do one more thing and kick his arse out of the door?

How does he make your life better OP? Do you feel valued and cherished? Is this how you want to live?

There are only so many times you can ask someone to help. I have tried not doing it, but we just end up with no clean clothes or dinner and a messy house.

I didn’t notice how much I did pre kids but with them to look after as well it’s a lot, If I bring anything like this up it always turns into an argument and ends up with me being a bad person and its draining. I’m painting myself as weak and I’m really not, I don’t think myself 5 years ago would believe what I let go. I am just exhausted.

Doing his share of household labour is not ‘help’. He’s an adult who lives there. It’s as much his responsibility as it is yours. I hope you’re not doing his laundry? As that would really be full skivvy territory.

You’re married to a lazy, disrespectful misogynist. What’s your plan?

What's he wanting to achieve in telling your friends such lies about you? It's seriously disrespectful to you.

Is he knowingly lying to make himself look better or does he honestly think he's doing more? Who does grocery shopping, mows the lawns, fills cars, takes cars to mechanic, DIY, bill payments? I'd make a mental list of everything and how much you can each sit around just to be sure you're right and then definitely call him on it.
The best approach if it's a blatant lie is just to call it out then and there: "Ha! BS!" Fly off the handle before he gets a chance to.

Why are you with this man?

You’re with a man who not only doesn’t pull his weight, he doesn’t appreciate the extra work that you do, and he even actively puts you down as doing less, and will criticize you if you try to address it.

There’s no conversation that will fix this or make him change. The only questions you have to ask yourself are

• Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life, and
• If not, what do I need to do to leave?

I had this with my ex but he also did it behind my back to the point that other school mums would ask me what I'd done that day, quite aggressively, because they felt sorry for him and believed his BS!

He was actually having a long term affair and building up quite the narrative about me to eventually justify leaving me.

Could this be the case?

Either way your H is a total arsehole and doesn't deserve you.

I would just burst out laughing and say loudly 'well, you know for a fact that's a straight up lie'.
Let your friends see. Let him feel awkward.
Either he does more housework or he stops besmirching you for no reason in front of your mates. I would not stand for him saying those things.

I just think it’s a waste of time and energy to “stand up” to bullies like this.

Even if he’s shamed into shutting up or into resentfully doing a bit more around the house, it doesn’t change the fact that his basic character is to be lazy any time he can get away with it and his view of his partner is of someone who can be mocked and put down for his entertainment.

He’s just a bad apple. There are men out there who do their share because they want to be fair and who would never demean their partner in public, because they have good character.

Is there a way/ special language to convince a lazy and manipulative dick not to be a lazy manipulative dick, probably not. Lazy manipulative dicks don’t tend to care that someone is suffering as a result of their behaviour.

You need to ask yourself why have you been so accepting of shitty treatment of someone who is supposed to care about you. What would you say to a friend whose H did fuck all and adding insult to injury, implied that she was lazy and he was the domestic one?

Remember, your marriage is your children’s primary relationship role model, if your relationship isn’t one you’d want for your kids, then it shouldn’t be one you should accept for their mother either.

You wouldn’t be the first woman to have sleepwalked into such a position but that doesn’t mean you have to STFU. Nobody is going to rescue you and the version of him that isn’t a lazy manipulative arse isn’t waiting around the corner either. You are your best advocate.

@CheekyHobson yeah, you're not wrong there. I mean, she'd be wasting her breath really. He's just a fucking wrong 'un.

I would have laughed it off and made him the joke.

“Remind me where we keep the hoover, darling”.

“You are wonderful. It’s so lovely to have a few hours to myself in the evening while you take care of the kids”. Massive eye roll.

“What’s for dinner tonight? Or do you need me to remind you what I’ve - sorry you’ve - got planned?”

Do laundry and cooking for you and the kids and let his lazy ass sort himself out. What a clown.

He's a Bad Man op.

You've already been groomed by him not to answer back.

In another five years you'll be a shadow of yourself.

Five years on from that, your children will start treating you like he does - with contempt.

Men like this never change - the badness is at the heart of them - so leave him now.