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AITA

36 replies

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 18:35

Don’t even know where to start with this. Really just need to vent and see what other opinions are of this. Moved in with my boyfriend rather soon, because of a situation I had no control over. Knew he had a good relationship with ex wife, didn’t realise what that entailed. I don’t have any kids, he has 2 and an ex wife of 7 years. We live in a 2 bedroom house so when the kids stay we sleep on the couch, not ideal when I work every weekend but been told by him this is how it is. Hes made it clear time and time again his kids are his priority. I get that but I don’t need reminded and verbally told constantly or within the way he lives his life and shows no consideration. He is very insensitive so I’ve figured. He goes to ex wife’s house to do diy and fix things, which I wouldn’t mind if he made the effort with his house also. He has absolutely no desire to have a nice home but will make sure the ex wife has a beautiful home. I put most of my money into this house and buy things for the house and also to treat his children and ourselfs to days out when they come to stay so that we are all involved in activities and can bond. This normally turns into the 3 of them and me being left out. Hes even called me his ex wife’s name infront of them previously. The kids talk about their mum constantly - absolutely fine as that’s their mother but he also does too. Hes constantly on the txt to her or phone to her, she always wants favours or money, or relying on him for something or anything. Hes told me he would do anything for her. This might be down to guilt by leaving her for another woman. I don’t think the guilt of a failed marriage should dictate my relationship. Today I ordered a new couch in time for Christmas, also something a bit comfier to sleep on at the weekends. I was to pay £55 a month for the couch, just assumed that he would offer to pay half. £27.50 isn’t really breaking the bank. Ex wife txts him 5 minutes later and says daughter wants something expensive for Christmas and he has offered to half it, After spending nearly £1000 last weekend for their Christmas and an extra £100 for another activity. Now I realise this is his money and he can choose however he likes to spend it and I have no say in it. I asked him if he would half the couch monthly, the look on his face said it all. I cancelled the couch right there and then. I realise now that not only at Christmas but all the time his finances are tied up and I will probably never be able to make the house a home and I will end up fitting the bill. He isn’t trying to build a life with me or just isn’t interested. It’s pretty clear his family will always come first, divorced or not. Feeling pretty hurt but what goes on and finding it very hard to cope with. Also sleep in seperate beds, have done for months. Says I’m a nightmare to sleep in a bed with. Feel like I’ve made a massive mistake moving in with someone who isn’t ready to move forward in life

OP posts:
EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 27/10/2024 18:41

Assuming AITA means AIBU, then you’re being totally reasonable in thinking you’ve made a mistake. It sounds as if you’re getting nothing from this so I’d leave ASAP.

Edited to add that if he had an affair, that’s even more reason to view him as untrustworthy & unreliable.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2024 18:41

First of all unless you own or have some right to the house, stop buying furniture for it. He could kick you out tomorrow.

He’s showed you what his co-parenting relationship looks like, and he’s told you where his priorities lie, it’s up to you whether you’re happy with that or if it’s not for you then move on.

TheKhakiBiscuit · 27/10/2024 18:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 18:50

I feel I have absolutely no say in anything. I just feel like a lodger who sleeps in his daughter’s bedroom and pays him half the rent every month.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 27/10/2024 18:51

Moved in with my boyfriend rather soon, because of a situation I had no control over.

Then I guess you’ve got to suck it up, all of it, until you’re in a position to get your own place.

Stop putting money into his house, stop buying furniture. Save like crazy until you can afford to move out into your own place.

TheKhakiBiscuit · 27/10/2024 18:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2024 18:52

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 18:50

I feel I have absolutely no say in anything. I just feel like a lodger who sleeps in his daughter’s bedroom and pays him half the rent every month.

That is all you are though. It sounds like you moved in early out of necessity rather than either of you actually wanting or being ready to live together, it wasn’t a romantic decision, it was one out of pure need at the time.

LittleEsme · 27/10/2024 19:03

Have you anywhere to go? This relationship sounds dead in the water. I'm sorry OP.

Ladyof2024 · 27/10/2024 19:22

I suggest you get out immediately. You should be able to get a room in a house share that will be much cheaper than having to save up for a deposit on a flat. He is treating you like a piece of shit. Do not put up with it for one more minute.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/10/2024 19:30

Stop buying things for the house.
While the children are his priority it doesn’t mean you should be of such little importance.
He either feels guilty over his ex or wants to get back with her, but either way he’s pushing you out.
He’s not a good man in terms of how he is treating you OP.
If you are being treated like a lodger, go and find somewhere to live where you actually have a bed to sleep in.
This man has gone from cheating on his wife to treating you appallingly. He clearly is very selfish and expects you to put up with it.
Don’t.
You are also a convenient babysitter. Move out and move on and let him take care of his own children.
You deserve better.

savethatkitty · 27/10/2024 19:30

This man is not for you. Move yourself back out and end it.

LePetitMaman · 27/10/2024 19:33

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 18:50

I feel I have absolutely no say in anything. I just feel like a lodger who sleeps in his daughter’s bedroom and pays him half the rent every month.

Because that's exactly what you are.

You've described just how awful your own situation is.

Get out. He's not over the ex and trying to get back there.

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 19:36

It really is draining. I just want to save up as much money as I can and leave. This is not the life I was promised. I feel like I’m an observant and have just been slotted in to fit his life and needs

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 27/10/2024 19:40

Move out.

Btw why can't the kids share a room?

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 19:47

You must move out. Even if you lived in a flat share with strangers they'd treat you with more respect, and you'd feel more 'at home'.
He isn't treating you right and you need to vote with your feet. If you were to be someone's lodger then they'd probably be nicer to live with than your boyfriend!

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 20:02

@pinkyredrose daughter is 11, son is 15 and although they share a bunkbed at grans when they stay there they can’t share one for one night here.

OP posts:
Alwayssomethingtheretoremindme · 27/10/2024 20:08

Honestly OP you should move out ASAP and not look back.
There is nothing in this relationship for you apart from humiliation and unhappiness.
You deserve much better.

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2024 20:18

Honestly, move out ASAP. This isn't the life for you

Schoolchoicesucks · 27/10/2024 20:44

I think he's doing the right thing putting his kids first. He likely does stuff for his ex because of guilt and wanting to have good relationship for their kids.

You've said you moved in quickly because of a situation rather than because that was where you were in the relationship. You're now in separate rooms and you aren't on board with him prioritising his kids.

Are you in a position to move out? Anyone you can stay with while you get a deposit together for a room or flat to rent?

KittyKat2222 · 27/10/2024 22:59

@Schoolchoicesucks unfortunately not. I get that he wants to put his kids first and know they come as a package which is why I try my very best. But just seems to be me trying and it’s me who’s suffering. I really want to move out, it’s not progressing anywhere and we both want different things.

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 28/10/2024 05:56

You are a lodger who provides free sex, child entertainment and home improvements.

Can you go back to your parents/family home?

You could start to save properly for a deposit instead of throwing your money away on ungrates.

pantsalot · 28/10/2024 05:59

Cancel the sofa and leave

9ToGoal · 28/10/2024 06:04

Can you stay anywhere else at weekends? Stop paying for anything immediately including rent. Save every penny and find somewhere else to live. Spend nothing on his children.

Fififafa · 28/10/2024 06:11

As you say this relationship is dead in the water so you need to leave. Stop paying rent and for anything else. Buy your own food. Start looking for house shares if that’s all you can afford. At least you’ll get a bed there and hopefully be treated with more respect.

swizzlemix · 28/10/2024 11:00

Were you the OW? Your OP seems to suggest it.

How long have you been together and how soon did you move in together? Is it his house?

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