Sex with the Ex... what now??

[Wtfdididothat]

A bit of background:
My children's dad and I separated (not married) 5 years ago. Our relationship had been difficult for a couple of years prior: a few incidents that meant I lost trust in him, our communication sucked, mental health issues on both sides. Whilst not abusive, it was definitely unhealthy.

Since splitting, he moved out & our parenting relationship actually improved. We are relaxed, very amicable & share a similar sense of humour when we spend time together with the kids.

We have both had other relationships since, but are currently both single. My 3 year relationship ended a few months ago after bf cheated on me & I've sworn off getting into anything new, just rebuilding/enjoying time to myself & with the kids.

The past couple of weeks my kid's dad has been sending me suggestive & innuendo filled messages/memes, which I openly roll my eyes at or laugh about 🙄 he has always had a high libido, whereas I'm not really fussed about sex unless I'm in a romantic relationship with someone. I've never had a one-night stand for example.

Anyway, he stayed over at mine last night (on the sofa) as the kids are ill & easier to stay home with them, while I was at work til late. When I got back, we had a couple of drinks, stuck on Netflix, and you can guess the rest... so cliché!

It was... comfortable & good, but it was just sex, not "making love" or anything. I still find him physically attractive, but I have no interest in having any kind of romantic relationship right now. He knows this.

I guess I'm wondering, what now?? Do we chalk it up to a one-off, slightly tipsy thing? Or is there any way we can maybe navigate a kind of occasional FWB situation without it affecting our co-parenting? Obviously we need to communicate expectations going forward, but can people not in a "relationship" truly separate sex and feelings?

I'm not really fussed about sex unless I'm in a romantic relationship with someone

I have no interest in having any kind of romantic relationship right now

is there any way we can maybe navigate a kind of occasional FWB situation

Make your mind up.

Does he love you?

See it as a drunken oops a daisy thing !
That is unless you want more , but obviously he probably hasn't changed .
However , don't string him along if he's wanting more than you are prepared to give .

I'm confused as you don't seem that bothered about sex with him and yet you want a fwb set up?

Tbh I think it's best left alone, if you start down that road what happens when one of you meets someone else and wants to end the arrangement, it could get nasty and affect the kids.

If you Co parent well don't risk ruining that, its quite rare for people to have such an amicable and supportive Co parenting relationship.

Make it a one off.

No point risking fucking things up with your good co-parenting situation.

Morning after pill. At once.

How do you know they didn't take precautions? Very assumptive of you.

@Arlanymor "How do you know they didn't take precautions? Very assumptive of you"

I don't. But personally, unless I was on the pill and taking it religiously, I wouldn't want to take the risk. Particularly with a proven untrustworthy man and drunk.

Not only is there a chance of running your co parenting set up. If the kids caught you, it could cause another heart ache. Protect them. You would need to be very sneaky, make sure they don't get any idea of reconciliation. Unless that is something you both want and are committed to. Don't break your children heart again.

It sounds like a sure fire way to develop feelings and get hurt which will damage your parenting relationship. So it’s a hard no from me. Find a fuck buddy if that’s what you want.

You've put your own narrative all over this - she said they had drinks, she didn't say they were drunk, they were 'slightly tipsy'. She said she lost trust in him over time, she didn't say he was inherently untrustworthy. I just find it a bit odd that she comes on here to essentially ask whether a FWB/situationship could work and rather than respond to her query you start talking about contraception - which she didn't ask about and rather infers that didn't take precautions, which is fairly patronising.

Personally I don’t think its ever possible to go from a romantic relationship to purely FWB. FWB can be tricky at the best of times but when there used to be love & a romantic relationship there I don’t think you can ever just then switch to straightforward FWB.

And with kids involved and a tricky co-parenting relationship already in the past I wouldn’t even risk it.

I guess I'm wondering, what now?? Do we chalk it up to a one-off, slightly tipsy thing?

@Wtfdididothat - this, it was a one-off thing, perfectly pleasant but not to be repeated. If the kids found out it would cause all types of confusion which is not fair and some people genuinely cannot separate sex and feelings, some can, but many not and for those who can't they often only find out when things are too far gone. Totally understand your need to get your oats, but not with this man, he is too closely linked to your heart through your children.

This is a grown woman asking for opinions on a relationship. Not a naive teenager who's fucked up and is asking about emergency contraception. What an utterly bizarre comment.

@Arlanymor I don't have an opinion about her FWB question. How can any of us? But effective contraception is the most important first thing in any situation like this where sex is not planned, no harm in reminding.

I think you need to decide what you want. As you go from not wanting sex unless in a romantic relationship to wanting sex and not a romantic relationship within a couple of lines.

@ScupperedbytheSea "Not a naive teenager who's fucked up and is asking about emergency contraception"

If you think it's only naive teenagers who take risks then you haven't been on Mumsnet much.

And an unwanted pregnancy would be a disaster in the OP's situation.

Too much potential to get messy and complicated. I'd keep it as a one off thing personally.

If it goes tits up it’s more disruption and upset for your kids. Is any casual sex ever worth that? You already sound very confused about what you want as others have said, and more sex means more feelings felt if you mean what you say about not being one for casual sex. All a ticking time bomb imho.

Find someone else to have sex with. There’s other people out there

All good on that front! Vasectomy, IUD and condom... I might do daft things sometimes but I'm not completely stupid with my sexual health.

I wouldn’t complicate things. If you want a fwb there’s plenty of other guys out there. Yes the ex would be the easy option but when it all goes sour it will be the kids that gets hurt

Nah its not worth it! Chalk it up to a one off.