Sex with the Ex... what now??

[Wtfdididothat]

A bit of background:
My children's dad and I separated (not married) 5 years ago. Our relationship had been difficult for a couple of years prior: a few incidents that meant I lost trust in him, our communication sucked, mental health issues on both sides. Whilst not abusive, it was definitely unhealthy.

Since splitting, he moved out & our parenting relationship actually improved. We are relaxed, very amicable & share a similar sense of humour when we spend time together with the kids.

We have both had other relationships since, but are currently both single. My 3 year relationship ended a few months ago after bf cheated on me & I've sworn off getting into anything new, just rebuilding/enjoying time to myself & with the kids.

The past couple of weeks my kid's dad has been sending me suggestive & innuendo filled messages/memes, which I openly roll my eyes at or laugh about 🙄 he has always had a high libido, whereas I'm not really fussed about sex unless I'm in a romantic relationship with someone. I've never had a one-night stand for example.

Anyway, he stayed over at mine last night (on the sofa) as the kids are ill & easier to stay home with them, while I was at work til late. When I got back, we had a couple of drinks, stuck on Netflix, and you can guess the rest... so cliché!

It was... comfortable & good, but it was just sex, not "making love" or anything. I still find him physically attractive, but I have no interest in having any kind of romantic relationship right now. He knows this.

I guess I'm wondering, what now?? Do we chalk it up to a one-off, slightly tipsy thing? Or is there any way we can maybe navigate a kind of occasional FWB situation without it affecting our co-parenting? Obviously we need to communicate expectations going forward, but can people not in a "relationship" truly separate sex and feelings?

@Wtfdididothat "
All good on that front! Vasectomy, IUD and condom... I might do daft things sometimes but I'm not completely stupid with my sexual health"

Good to hear! I do like a triple lock.....

Have you spoken to him about it yet - any idea how he might have seen it?

You are both adults and if you both want occasional recreational sex and can manage it without the kids finding out, why not?

The risk is that one or other of you wants more, and unl as that is mutual it could ultimately lead to disappointment....

I guess I'm wondering, what now?? Do we chalk it up to a one-off, slightly tipsy thing? Or is there any way we can maybe navigate a kind of occasional FWB situation without it affecting our co-parenting? Obviously we need to communicate expectations going forward, but can people not in a "relationship" truly separate sex and feelings?

Definitely chalk it up to a one off. It's far too risky to become FWB.
Communicating expectations in a FWB situation does not stop things from getting complicated or someone from getting feelings.

Of course we can have an opinion, other people might have been in tangential situations in the past. How is it any different from a friend asking for an opinion on something? I’m not a gay man but my best friend is and he regularly seeks my opinion on things that are outside of my immediate experience. Besides the OP has come back and clarified about contraception so the reminder wasn’t required in this circumstance. At all.

@Arlanymor " Besides the OP has come back and clarified about contraception so the reminder wasn’t required in this circumstance. At all."

Which is brilliant. Better a stranger reminding her than not, though. The OP doesn't seem offended. Not sure why you are.

That's a fairly big risk when there's kids involved though.
And even if they it was mutual that they both wanted more that's also a huge risk for the kids, there's no guarantee that the relationship would work out the second time around.
The kids have already been through the break up and if they both developed feelings and decided to try again and it didn't work then the kids could have to go through another break up!

I’m not offended, I just thought it was a bizarre comment, as I said earlier.

I think you'll develop feelings again. And then what? Do you expect him to hurt you (emotionally) again?

Unless you see it going back into a relationship I'd be very cautious. If all the reasons you broke up with him are still there, then I'd consider this question the same way you'd consider the question "Should I get back with my ex?"

If the answer is no, for logical rational reasons, then the answer should be no to FWB as well. Protect your emotions or you'll be hurt all over again.

Thank you all for the points to consider in this situation.

Some are you are right about my OP, my views around sex have always been a little confusing (plus had about 3 hours sleep last night with poorly kids). I do enjoy sex, but my libido can be up & down due to mental/physical health issues. This discrepancy did have an effect on our relationship, especially after having our kids.

I think we were both just seeking familiarity & comfort the other night, and I was considering the possibilty of continuing that on a casual basis. But I can see one of us getting feelings hurt in some way as sex builds intimacy. I don't believe he still loves me like that, though we do care about each other.

I will talk things over with him & put it down to misadventure. I don't want to risk confusing the children and ruining our co-parenting set up.

I'll just stick with my toys, much safer all round... 🤣

@CurlewKate no offence taken at all, and you are correct, neither of us wants more children, that WOULD be an absolute mess in our situation. Plus I have no idea about his sexual partners since we split, hence the extra precautions!