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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s a lovely guy but not the best looking

73 replies

Positivegirl · 27/10/2024 08:52

I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months, he’s very kind, caring.

However there’s a couple of things he’s not the best looking. He’s also told me how people meaning friends, ex disrespect him as he is kind and he’s ok with this. My last concern is the dating turned in to a 10 year relationship already. We not going to new places and exploring life together at all. It’s mainly at his chilling.

He is consistent, safe and an overall good guy. But he’s not the guy you show off but ik he will treat me well. I don’t know what to do

Any advice?

oh Yh and he keeps saying your going to be my girlfriend soon if I keep playing my cards right

OP posts:
OpalSpirit · 27/10/2024 09:58

wow, he is awful.

By telling you he may make u his gf he is setting the groundwork to see him as something you have to earn.
Red flags are flying all around here.

Funnily enough not being best looking or in some way vulnerable can all be used against you. You start to feel protective and instead of the situation being about what you like etc it becomes you don’t feel you can hurt him.

Seriously, he is NOT a nice guy, run.

Onelifeonly · 27/10/2024 09:59

At this stage it should be fun and exciting. Ugly men can seem sexy and attractive with the right personality / attitude and handsome men totally dull without those. If you're not feeling it- and it seems you're not - move on!

Original poster
Positivegirl · 27/10/2024 10:01

We had great chemistry and very comfortable with eachother. But I guess us being comfortable it’s turned in to a 10 year relationship already.

this is why I’m worried to end it because it was good at the beginning I was happy, but time goes on and more stories of him being taken advantage off is being spoken about. Dates are not existent. For example he’s taken time off work and he wants to spend it cuddling, and I want us to do something exciting go visit somewhere new. I’m happy to put money in to that.

idk if this is a normal man thing that he feels like he’s got me

in torn between we get along and maybe i should go for better. But then am I chucking a good thing away

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivegirl · 27/10/2024 10:03

Also his hair has got messy and he wanted me to do it and I told him to go to professional. i still believe it’s so early he should be staying groomed but then is it that he feels comfortable with me

OP posts:
Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 10:04

How does this not give you the right ick op?

Dontjudgeme101 · 27/10/2024 10:07

I am sorry op, he’s not for you. Get rid and find yourself someone better. He sounds weird.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 27/10/2024 10:07

Positivegirl · 27/10/2024 09:04

It’s one of those situations I think he’s in shock that he’s got me also. I’m not saying this to be big headed. He’s also decided to use my middle name to his people then the name I use. He said it’s because then no one before can claim me and only he can. But now I’m starting to feel like maybe he’s also worried he can’t keep me.

and I know what I’m saying sounds crazy big headed and that’s not what I’m intending to do

Eh? Dictating your name makes it sound like he's pretty confident he's got you (as well as the pathetic 'if you play your cards right') comments.

He sounds a twat. I don't think he is a 'safe' bet. It sounds like he's trapping you.

Mehmeh22 · 27/10/2024 10:10

Yeah this is the definition of settling. Please dump and move on

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 10:11

Positivegirl · 27/10/2024 10:01

We had great chemistry and very comfortable with eachother. But I guess us being comfortable it’s turned in to a 10 year relationship already.

this is why I’m worried to end it because it was good at the beginning I was happy, but time goes on and more stories of him being taken advantage off is being spoken about. Dates are not existent. For example he’s taken time off work and he wants to spend it cuddling, and I want us to do something exciting go visit somewhere new. I’m happy to put money in to that.

idk if this is a normal man thing that he feels like he’s got me

in torn between we get along and maybe i should go for better. But then am I chucking a good thing away

I can’t see anything remotely ‘good’ about this relationship. He sounds like one of those low-energy people who makes a (slight) effort to appear interesting and dynamic at the start of a relationship, but quickly (extremely quickly in this case!) slides back into being a dullard who just wants to stay at home on the sofa, amazed he snagged a girlfriend.

I have a friend of whom I’m fond, but whose relationship pattern is like this. In a new relationship, he’s temporarily all impulsive dashes to London, weekends in Paris etc. But once the initial excitement subsides, he turns back into a man who just likes gaming on the sofa, and who is horrified by the suggestion that he might leave the house for anything not strictly necessary. In fairness to him, the initial phase generally lasts several times longer than your grim-sounding ‘boyfriend’’s has.

LouH5 · 27/10/2024 10:12

I think it depends what you want.
Do you want someone who will make you feel safe, comfortable, cherished and loved?
Or so you want someone you can “show off”?

Sowhatistheendgame · 27/10/2024 10:14

The guy I’m seeing is not objectively the best looking. But I find him extremely attractive.
You do not think this about your guy. You don’t fancy him. He also sounds insecure and rather odd. He is not the one for you.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 10:17

He's a raging nutter. Claiming he uses your middle name so nobody before has claimed you, but him? He needs to see a psychiatrist.
So he's ugly, creepy, potentially crazy, massively boring.
Yeah, catch of the century that.

Ohnobackagain · 27/10/2024 10:27

@Positivegirl he’s using your middle name to claim you? What now? Just … no. The not good looking doesn’t matter. These other things do!

MsCactus · 27/10/2024 10:29

I mean, from your description I wouldn't date him. You're only two months in, nothing to lose - dump him OP

Attelina · 27/10/2024 10:39

He sounds boring and not get up and go.

LadyQuackBeth · 27/10/2024 10:41

He sounds awful, he's been deliberately trying to make you worry about him liking you so that you've forgotten to assess whether you actually like him.

It sounds like you don't.

Is he a rebound thing after too much drama? I can't otherwise understand how you think he treats you well when he can't be bothered to go out or make an effort?

TwistedWonder · 27/10/2024 10:41

So 2 months in you don’t go out for nights out, day trips, activities etc, you just stay home watching Netflix and having sex?

He sounds zero effort and you sound bored.

This isn’t going anywhere

BreatheAndFocus · 27/10/2024 10:41

He’s also decided to use my middle name to his people then the name I use. He said it’s because then no one before can claim me and only he can

I’d dump him for this not his looks. He sounds insecure and weird.

Todaywasbetter · 27/10/2024 10:42

O no no it’s the staying in bit. It won’t get better. Boring future beckons

ThatTealViewer · 27/10/2024 10:54

He’s also decided to use my middle name to his people then the name I use. He said it’s because then no one before can claim me and only he can.

And you didn’t immediately dump this person? You think the issue here is his appearance? For goodness sake, OP.

Thelnebriati · 27/10/2024 11:01

Have you ever said no to him, or seen how he acts when someone has crossed him? When he says people disrespect him (and he's listed lots of people who know him), what does he mean by that?
You say he's 'good', can you list 3 things he has done that are actually good, or has he just given you the impression he is nice and polite? Its only been 8 weeks, so too early to say that's his actual personality.
His behaviour doesn't sound either nice or good. The name thing is weird, and so is asking someone who is not a hairdresser to cut your hair.

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 11:02

Why doesn't he use your first name? He uses your middle name, to claim you?

That's weird and actually controlling.

He might make you his girlfriend if you play your cards right? WTF?

He doesn't take you out. He's a cheapskate, then.

Wow. Man of the Year.

Dump. And not because he isn't what you consider to be good looking.

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 11:03

He sounds even more of a cheapskate, asking you to do his hair.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 27/10/2024 11:10

I'd been checking for a cage in the basement from the "make you his girlfriend" comments.

Don't waste any more time on him @Positivegirl, he sounds very negative and boring as hell only two months in. Those qualities in a really attractive man would make him unattractive.

Dery · 27/10/2024 11:12

@Positivegirl - not RTFT but notice that you said it was good at the beginning. But you’re only 2 months in. This is still the beginning. He’s not the guy for you. In fact, he sounds boring.