Jealous sister in law

[SweetTooth88]

Hello, this is my first post on here as I feel I have nowhere else to find support and advice.

My sister in law (dh’s brother’s gf) has never been my cup of tea but I have always just grinned and beared it during family gatherings where she is insufferably loud, dominant and always wanting to hold court and be the center of attention. I’m very quiet and shy but I’ve always just gone along with it. She has also been in the family a lot longer than I have so I think has her feet more under the table. However, things have changed and she is showing her true ugly colours since I had my ds.

She had a baby a year before me and since my ds has been born she has been ignoring me and ds. She has never tried to interact with him, talk to him or even said hello to him. She literally ignores us when we walk in to a family gathering. She is a real nasty piece of work which I’ve always known but it is now really affecting me because it’s to do with my ds who is only a little baby and I don’t ant him to be pushed out by her. She is clearly jealous that he has come along and is taking it out on him, even though he’s only a baby. At one event she moved her picnic mat so ds and I couldn’t sit on it, she purposely ignores anything we put on the family group chat about him and has never once liked a social media post about him. It is really getting me down and hurting me deeply as I want to stick up for him and don’t want him to feel isolated and pushed out of the family by her, as I have done in the past. My DH understands but is a lot more passive than me and doesn’t want confrontation, which I also don’t but then I think he needs to stick up for his son more and be more protective over him.

I am getting really upset about this constantly and just need some advice on how to handle things without causing a rift. Thanks.

@SweetTooth88 I'm not attacking you. My advice is to ignore it and not bring your MIL into it again.

Your MIL is the one you need to be wary of.

If she's saying that to you about your SIL, she's probably saying very similar things to her about you.

F

Yes definitely, that’s what my partner says. He said she’s always been the same and that she won’t change. You’re right it is sad and I wish it wasn’t like this but I guess you just have to try not to let things get to you. Thanks for your response :)

My in laws are nice but I noticed some big jealousy rear its green eyed head when we had kids around the same time. It’s faded now the kids are older. In our case, I think it was because they both come from huge families of many siblings so don’t get loads of attention
for accomplishments and therefore valued the fuss more highly than I do.

My solution was to ignore it and really focus on the kids. I genuinely adore their children so I just put my energies there (it’s not their fault they have envious parents!) I just ignored the jealous in laws for a while and it all came out in the wash! I think they liked that I was fussing over their kids and I enjoyed the fussing because the kids are gorgeous.

Just ignore her back

Jeepers you're lucky that you haven't faced the rath of someone who is jealous of you throughout your life. It most definitely is a thing.
Many of us might secretly envy someone but to act on this is jealousy and this is what is being done to the OP for sure.

These situations you find yourself in with your sister-in-law are a farce for the insecurity you feel when you’re around her. Do you see that she is a mirror for how you feel? How you feel is exactly what you think is how she feels. It’s not necessary for you to feel ashamed about this. This is just another opportunity for you to see where you give up your power in life. (I've intuitively channeled this answer. It's what I do. Hope it helps.)

You describe yourself as naturally “quiet and shy” and you want your husband to defend your daughter. But do you want him to defend you too? Is your natural tendency to stay quiet, as a mask for fear? Do you disengage instead of asking questions? Do you feel you must shut yourself down when you want to disengage from your thoughts and associations about a situation that may not be a real thing?

Here’s the truth. You don’t know if your SIL is jealous. You won’t know until you speak to her about how you feel. If you try to force your partner into confronting her, you run the risk of being wrong. In that case, you still wouldn’t be able to speak up for yourself because then it wouldn’t be about you. These are your concerns so you must confront them yourself.

Try to identify what it is that you need from her. If that is respect and kindness then focus on these words, if you speak to her about her actions. If you can’t identify what is missing from her actions, in other words if her actions are so ambiguous and may be more subtle than you have made them out to be in your mind, then this may be a situation that is calling for you to confront your insecurities. With this, you may ask yourself what is it that you need and desire that you are not providing for yourself? Until you can begin to not deny your own needs, don’t expect anyone else to show up for them.

In all of this answer, there is no mention of your son. This is not about him. This is about you, your needs and feelings. It is a beautiful opportunity for you to grow through this so you may reflect maturity for your child to see in you and learn from for many years to come.

Strong answer @DearIntuition

Love it