Jealous sister in law

[SweetTooth88]

Hello, this is my first post on here as I feel I have nowhere else to find support and advice.

My sister in law (dh’s brother’s gf) has never been my cup of tea but I have always just grinned and beared it during family gatherings where she is insufferably loud, dominant and always wanting to hold court and be the center of attention. I’m very quiet and shy but I’ve always just gone along with it. She has also been in the family a lot longer than I have so I think has her feet more under the table. However, things have changed and she is showing her true ugly colours since I had my ds.

She had a baby a year before me and since my ds has been born she has been ignoring me and ds. She has never tried to interact with him, talk to him or even said hello to him. She literally ignores us when we walk in to a family gathering. She is a real nasty piece of work which I’ve always known but it is now really affecting me because it’s to do with my ds who is only a little baby and I don’t ant him to be pushed out by her. She is clearly jealous that he has come along and is taking it out on him, even though he’s only a baby. At one event she moved her picnic mat so ds and I couldn’t sit on it, she purposely ignores anything we put on the family group chat about him and has never once liked a social media post about him. It is really getting me down and hurting me deeply as I want to stick up for him and don’t want him to feel isolated and pushed out of the family by her, as I have done in the past. My DH understands but is a lot more passive than me and doesn’t want confrontation, which I also don’t but then I think he needs to stick up for his son more and be more protective over him.

I am getting really upset about this constantly and just need some advice on how to handle things without causing a rift. Thanks.

I don't think your small child is going to.suffer from his (sort of) aunty not liking your SM posts. It does sound like there is some dislike on both sides so you would be better off concentrating on those relationships and friendships that will bring you and your child joy. I have loads of aunties that never comment on my SM and it is quite literally the least of my worries !

Responses are based on your OP.
The same advice has been given to you over and over. Social media nonsense, liking posts... makes you sound like a teenager.
Limit your interaction.

Ignore ignore ignore talk to everyone else in the gatherings as normal and don’t even give her the time of day, she’s not your cup of tea anyway so let it just go over your head, she ain’t worth it. As for social media delete her from it if there is absolutely no interaction then no point her being on your friends list. She sounds like a nasty piece of work

Disliking confrontation is irrelevant. Confronting her would be pointless, you can’t change her. Confrontation would just give her an opportunity to say things you don’t like directly to you.

You need to change your attitude to her. The vast majority of the people in the world exclude your DC from their lives and you need to think of her much more like you think of all those people - they aren’t important, their liking your posts, their talking to you, their acknowledgement of you is irrelevant to your life.

I’m not saying it’s exactly the same, of course it’s not, most people aren’t part of your extended family and won’t be at family gatherings. But you’re asking for how to deal with it and this is the way - detach yourself from her. Stop wanting her acknowledgement. Be civil but distant. Don’t give her any head space.

Talking about jealously, my MIL was the one that actually said that she had picked up on her being cold and rude to me and DS and that she thought she was jealous of our family and didn’t want any attention taken away from her own son so that’s not coming out of nowhere.

wow, that’s shocking, your mil is a prize bitch. I can’t beleive she bitched to you about her other dil. Who does that. 😱

What she wants more than anything else is attention. She has a reason for doing what she does, it is to provoke you and your DH to take action or to say something.

If you let her get her own way this, how will it play out? You say you want your husband to stand up for your son. I assume you want him to tell her off. So let’s say he confronts her, tells her exactly what she is doing wrong and she denies it.
She will either come out fighting, accuse you of being jealous, or trying to cause a rift in the family. Alternatively she may choose an entirely different role for herself on this stage. Instead of playing the feisty heroine she might want to be the tragic victim of two nasty bullies.

She wins either way. In fact she has already won the first round by getting so deep into your head. I am not going to add to the already excellent advice that you have been given. Just to say I have a lot of sympathy for you. These invidious snakes are in a lot of families . They are very clever with their words and actions that,apart from avoiding her, there is nothing to be done other than what has been advised by others.

I would have called her out by now. I’m guessing she thinks you stole her limelight.

That’s a bit of a reach; it’s more likely she just doesn’t like the op so chooses not to interact with her,

That is exactly the reason why the poster is unable to do anything. Majority of people will agree with you and think she is exaggerating or better too sense.

Sensitive I mean

Out of interest, did your BIL send his congrats on the baby, to you or to your DH? If not, are you also cross with him?

I have taken a step back on contacts with DH’s rellies as my life got busier. He can do it.

Be careful that MIL doesn't play you off against each other.

Just keep being civil at family events and try to let the rest go over your head.

So you and your MIL were slagging off your SIL? Perhaps she finds you judgmental? I'm projecting, as there seems to be a lot of that going on here, but it sounds to me like you've simply got different personalities and whilst she's just got on with it, you've spent a great deal of time being offended by it.

She hasn't done anything overt to show her apparent dislike of you. You've assumed it from what she hasn't done (not liking social media posts etc).

I think as other PPs have said, just get on with your life and let her get on with hers. And perhaps don't listen to your MIL shit stirring next time.

In my opinion saying hi and chatting to everyone else and completely blanking me and ds counts as showing dislike. No we were not ‘slagging her off’ I got very upset about something that happened and she just said that she had also noticed her off-ness and that she thinks it’s just jealously.

Thank you to all those who have sent kind and understanding responses and given me great advice. I am going to try to just let it not get to me, toughen up and ignore her :)

I often wonder this. Its the go to explanation for everything on here. It amazes me that people haven't grasped that people can be unpleasant because they don't like someone or just because that's their character without feeling even a twinge of envy. The OP is pretty derogatory about her SiLs loudness and feet under the table attitude. Should we assume that's because OP is jealous of her SiL?

@SweetTooth88 I think the way you described her in your initial post (loud, overbearing, "got her feet under the table") whilst presenting yourself as a shy, retiring creature who has done nothing to warrant being ignored, is a bit disingenuous when you admit you've been discussing it with other family members and presumably attempting to get them on side. Just agree to disagree and move on, it doesn't require drama.

It’s amazes me how someone can so utterly and completely get the wrong end of the stick and somehow turn the situation completely around when I’ve explained clearly what’s happening. Really shows how some people only come on here for an argument or to antagonise others, sad really. Again, thanks to all those who have been kind and understanding about the situation :)

So I’m not allowed to ever discuss anything that upsets me and or hurts my feelings, I should just bottle it all up? And no I haven’t done anything to warrant it, as I have already cleared explained and is the whole point of my post.

@SweetTooth88 Personally I wouldn't have discussed it with my MIL, no. It places her in an awkward position. Your SIL is also a member of her extended family and the mother of one of her grandchildren, also. The grown up thing would've been to raise this issue with SIL directly.

@SweetTooth88 And actually, what you said in your OP was that she is a "loud, overbearing type" and you've just grinned and borne it. Perhaps she got sick of you side eyeing her at the family picnics and decided to simply ignore you?

You mentioned Jealousy in your post title? What do you think she has to be jealous of? Obvs you’re looking down on her already if you’ve made the assumption that tjr mum of a young toddler is jealous of you rather than just too busy to like your social media posts. Her moving the blanket is also a flimsy bit of ‘evidence’.

This exactly.

Her partner couldn't even be arsed to marry her even though they've been together ages and she's had his child.

She is jealous because there is a new baby in the family and she doesn’t like that the attention is not on her son. Most people can see this is clearly what I meant. No she is not too busy, she has no job and likes all other posts of other family members with no children. I am not going to type on every single thing she has ever done, this was just one example of her pettiness. Why are people suddenly attacking me when all I have asked for is advice, not to question every word I have written.

My SIL is similar. It's sad but there's nothing you can do to change people like that.