1635 Days to Go....

[Findingmemyselfagain]

'When I'm in his presence, I feel like I am a horrible person. DH is very critical of me and sometimes nasty. He talks about me to people at work. He belittles me - always has done. I am deaf, but he won't face me nor speak up. I always feel I am in trouble/a disapointment, but he doesn't communicate with me. In the public eye, he's a perfect husband/partner and that's what makes it so hard not to doubt myself and my sanity'

1635 days till 27th April 2029.

I have to leave and I will leave on or by 27th April in 2029. Dramatic I know, but I need to get money and a house together for me and my kids. I need my pride and self respect back. I need to learn to be more independent like I used to be. I want to find me again. I am 40 and today I was 'told off' for leaving the back door open during the unloading of the car. It's not normal is it? The rule is keep doors closed so mozzies/flies/mice/the cold can't get in. Apparently. My child and I were reminded of this rule today because we came home to find we had caught a mouse in the trap. Anyway he left the dead mouse there by the door and sat on the sofa instead. Presumably to deal with later, so I dealt with it - what's one more thing to add to my list of things that need doing?

This thread is to keep me on track, on target. Its also somewhere I can write privately. I flip and flop. My feelings so jumbled by the ups and downs, the tensions and eggshells, my imagination and reality. I know I am right - I must get out. It will be hard, deverstating even. I will have to explain my reasons so many times and I will doubt myself every second of my waking hours. I will feel guilt. I keep defaulting to the thought that we can always live apart together. Perhaps that might be enough. Perhaps that might soften the blow. Inside I'm terrified.

TO DO THIS WEEK

1. Recgonise what behaviour is normal and what isn't. In me and him.
2. Remember I'm leaving. So don't bite into it, don't defend myself when critised, smile sweatly, let him discipline alone - I don't need to get involved. 3.Live independently again with my kids - Decide what that picture look like? Make memories with my girls.

(Disclosure - a few details have changed and others omitted.)

Why do you need to wait so long?

Is it finances or something else?

He talks about me to people at work. He belittles me - always has done.

I have no respect for men like this. With the exception of close family/friends who help you navigate life's troubles, no-one else needs ro know your business.

In the public eye, he's a perfect husband/partner

The only people who MAY think this, are those who are yet to hear him demeaning you. Everyone will quietly think he's the twat he is.

I hope you can rebuild your strength, confidence and finances quickly and hopefully get ahead of that distant timeline 💐

Please do not delay leaving until April of 2029. Start this process of separation and divorce a lot sooner than this. Delaying just gives him more opportunity to abuse you in turn your children. By then another 4 years will have passed with you and they being further harmed emotionally.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. They see and hear all your reactions here and likely know far more than you care to realise.

You are married and thus have rights in law. Exercise these fully. It may be that you can remain in the marital home going forward . You need a solicitor and Women’s Aid, they can also advise you.

There's other ways to leave sweetie, I'm sure others will support. Think about your girls and your happiness. Trust me we know when our mummy's are not happy with our dads

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and the image of a family man is so important to them. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open. Your children will not say thanks mum to you for putting yourself and in turn them through another week, let one 4 more years, of his abuse. Teach them properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Abuse like this too can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery has not begun as yet. The Freedom Programme is something you will also need to look at going forward.

Any reason 29th April as opposed to 28th or 30th? Does an inheritance get realised or an investment released to you from someone. If you don't divorce him before that date, he could claim half of it.

I am touched by your replies. Thank you.

1. Why so long? Why a specific date? 27th April this year I decided I needed to leave. 5 years should be enough time to get finances in order. I'm a sahm at the moment, no savings or job. I have started a new business however that focuses on tourism. I'm an expat. If I can leave sooner - even better!

2. Apologies for using 'DH'. We aren't married. 'Partner' seemed too casual. In this traditional country I am often referred to as his wife by our doctor, insurance office, local council etc eventhough I use my surname. We are both expats.

3. I do worry about my girls. I have a lot to write about that and advice is needed. I will write more very soon. I am very worried about my eldest. My mother is aware and she has her for sleepovers often.

i don't often post here OP but I left some time ago .. and it was heartwrenching and terrifying... if I'd waited another few years I'm not sure where I'd be tbh or what it might have escalated too.............. the psychological stuff, anger, belittling, acting as though you are a dissapointment.... the feeling of being "in trouble " for things most coupes wouldnt blink at , or at the least would be a minor frustration and forgotten as quickly as they happened...

it ground me down to the point it is still hard to shake off.... but it also took time to feel ready to leave...

Is there anyone else that knows or you could talk to about how this feels? women's aid have an online chat open daily .. I started there.... for a long time before I talked to anyone or even thought about what next steps would be .. I just needed another pair of eyes of what my reality had become and I'd completely normalised as "Just how he is" ..

Keep reaching out here, there are people who will help
x

Ime not married is better.. I packed a van. Packed our bags. Rented and house and claimed benefits. All preferable to living with a cunt similar to yours....

It will impact the girls more than you know; they will think this type of relationship in normal. And that's it's ok. They may even find themselves trapped in the future like you are now. Please know this is a way out. Show them they don't have to put up with this. Break the cycle.

If you are worried about your children, you make plans to leave immediately.

1619 days to go.

These past few weeks Ive been focusing on recognising what behaviors are healthy. I'm also focusing on my behaviour and which ones I want to change. It's really hard to be objective and it doesn't change his behaviour.

I’m learning to pay attention to the little things that either build up or drain away my sense of self, and I’ve outlined some specific ways to stay grounded and engaged.

For me, the first step is to start each day by saying "Good morning" with a smile and looking him in the eyes. It’s strange how much eye contact can slip away in relationships, especially when things feel off. I realise I sometimes fall into a submissive role without meaning to — maybe it’s just habit, or maybe it’s a way of avoiding conflict. Either way, I want to break out of it. Eye contact feels like a small but powerful way to remind myself that I’m here, present, and confident. It’s a way of setting the tone, so I don’t lose myself in the background. RESULT: The problem is, he doesn’t make eye contact with me. He never has done though. I felt more frustrated.

I’m also practicing offering my time intentionally. I noticed that he often takes up my time, leaving me feeling drained or obligated, which leads to frustration. So instead of just being available, I’ll consciously offer my presence by asking, “What can I do for you?” I like that this phrase signals that I’m giving my time willingly, on my own terms, rather than letting him take it. I can already sense how this might help me feel more in control of my space and my energy. RESULT: I don't think he noticed and still wasted my time in other ways.

Another phrase I’m working on is, “Would you like me to [insert task] for you?” Adding "for you" feels important; it emphasises that I’m making a deliberate choice to help, rather than falling into a routine of just doing things by default. And when I finish a task, I’ll let him know, saying, “I’ve done [task] for you.” This isn’t about needing praise — it’s about recognising my own efforts and making sure my contributions are acknowledged, even in the smallest ways. RESULT: I realised I was indeed using this for praise and validation.

Gaaa.

Small wins:

1. Sorted out kids clothes to sell on vinted.
2. Removed his hoarding from the children's rooms.
3. Removed mine and kids stuff from his hoards that are currently in the communal cupboards and shelves. All the kids stuff is in their rooms. I'm lucky they have built in storage. I feel sad that all my stuff is in the spare room though. There is absolutely nothing if mine in our bedroom, living room or kitchen. No trace at all. Is that weird? I'm so used to his piles of junk on the surfaces. I can't bare my stuff getting lost in his junk.

Will write more soon...

Just leave.

All this reflection and taking notes is utterly pointless. It means you're not actually ever going to leave.

Can't you just find a job?

Building up a business of your own will take time as you acknowledge, but in the meantime you're giving up years of your life and, more importantly, years of your dds childhoods to this situation.

It's not sustainable to just move your stuff around the house as if you're leaving just to have it sitting there for years. It just seems like busywork instead of real action.

April 2029

Which country are you in? I'm assuming from your tone it is one where women have few rights and little safety. Are you safe now? You mention your mother, can you stay with her? What is your country of origin?

OP you are going to find the best version of yourself when you leave this to us environment.
As someone who has been in an abusive marriage, I can guarantee you that the process of walking away will change who you are.
Don't waste your life in this situation. You deserve to be happy before you're 45.

How much money do you realistically think you will have saved by 2029? Will you actually be able to squirrel enough away without him realising? Let's say your business makes 1k per month - will he know and how will you be able to justify why there isn't 1k in the family pot?

How much have you decided you need? Does that match?

I have no experience of abuse but I can ask boring practical questions that might make someone see that an idea isn't feasible. I can't see how you can build up enough money without him realising, while being ground down by the way you are living, while doing all this analysis of your actions/his reactions.

The sooner you leaver, the sooner all of the time devoted to analysing, changing your behaviour and stressing about building your leaving fund can instead be put to starting your new life.

The analogy I’ll use here is swimming in a pool of piranhas directed by your ‘D’P

each bite hurts but you think “it’s a small bite, I can survive this until I build a raft to live above it and/or sail away”

but each little bite is followed by another and another and one on your toe to your arm to your face

you’ll never be able to fully focus on building that raft because you will be busy keeping the piranhas away from your kids, and whatever stuff you’re gathering for the raft, plus your own vital organs

and desperately thinking up strategies like “if I offer up willingly a toe, a foot, a finger, a breast then I can keep him distracted long enough

but you are still being eaten alive - losing strength, losing time and losing parts of yourself

and you may never get a warning before he attacks with them everywhere all at once and reduces you to your bones

it’ll be so hard, esp with kids, to pull yourself out of that pool and crawl overland bloodied and raw to a safe pool free of an abuser and his piranhas

but you may have to do that seemingly impossible harder thing bc you may not have enough time or energy to get that raft built, climb aboard and sail off

perhaps you can consider the advice of strangers here who may have had that difficult journey and are now healing, safe, or at least safer

if you feel you can, share some of the main barriers and those who may have overcome them can help with practical suggestions or signposting

The date is arbitary. I live in a European country that has taken 4 years to award me child benefit. I have rights of course, but the system is shockingly bad and astonishingly the father has parental rights here. Not the mother.

Having seen an expat friend go through a year of hell here because she left her abusive husband, someone we all thought was a kind and caring man. I'm not chancing it no way.

I don't know what my plan is yet, but I want to tread carefully. There is a lot I need to do to get organised. I am disabled and so, easilly taken advantage of/manipulated because of it, as much as I hate it. I need to be strong and sure of my mental health.

Writing about it here is creating my safe space and I thank you all for allowing me this presence and for listening to me as I figure out my plan. I am taking on board your words and learning.

I don’t have any experience of your specific circumstances with disability and different country but I’m sure others will

💐

I'm sorry for your circumstances OP. I hope my post didn't sound too flippant about leaving soon, I apologise if it did.
There are obviously some very specific barriers in your way, but I think it would be good to break down the goal into a timeline so that you can see how it can be achieved (eg how you would achieve £X savings per month)/what might need to change in order to reach it (eg based on what you can put away).

Are there any charities or legal bodies that can advise you on certain aspects of your plan/goal within your country?

To answer your questions:

Reflection and taking notes is pointless - that may be so, but at the moment it is a process I need to go through and nearly 20 years to unpack.

I cannot get a job so easily as I'm not fluent in the language. Nearly all expats here are self employed. My business is a good one though. I have a good business head and I am well liked in the expat community here and already my business has lot's of bookings for next season - for me and him. I have discovered a new neiche within the business so I'm branching out into digital marketing on the side. He doesn't know, but he has skills I need. Grr.

I agree it isn't sustainable to move my stuff around the house as if I'm leaving, but for now our stuff is separate from his hoarded junk. And I'm organising our paperwork, insurance, car and other bits and pieces so I have copies. Again it's a process. I'm bagging stuff up for charity, vinted and bin.

Yes I can squirrel money without him realising because he doesn't value my money. My father doesn't value my mother's either. We are/were both stay at home mums with a side income. He doesn't give me money and until recently we never had a joint account.

In saying that, he has never asked me to get a full time job. Doesn't ask me to contribute to bills although I pay for the car and food. This is where I get confused. In the years I didn't work fulltime, he never gave me money. Should I have asked? I had a small disability allowance and I had to use maternity allowance for my clothes. I remember being 7 mths pregnant and I treated myself to a pair of dungarees and ugg boots because our house was so cold. He moaned about it in front of his friend. I remember his friend looking awkward as if trying to work out if he was joking or not. He wasn't and hid behind 'banter'. Gosh I had forgotten about that.
As long as I put some money into the joint, as I should and keep purchases to a min, then it would be easy to hide any savings.

I can't leave without a leaving fund. I live in a hard to find rentals area / landlords don't favour single mothers with children because they cannot be evicted. I suppose the 5 years is giving myself enough time to get a deposit together for a mortgage.

I realise now it isn't feasible and 5 years isn't feasible.

The analogy with the piranhas is a fantastic one, thank you. I will list my barriers as you suggest

So as not to drip feed... (I realise what a fool I have been)

6 years ago I realised DP wasn't I thought he was. 6 years ago I had a baby and everything intensified. Suddenly I could see all the problems, the things that weren't normal, weird even. They didn't bother me at the time, but they irritate me now. I see what other's see too. I catch other people and their annoyances because once again we are late because he has no concept of time nor cares about stealing other people's time. (My biggest fustration) He had his quirks, but I had mine. We graduated together as mature students, went travelling and then settled down in our mid 30's.

We always did our own thing. I moved into his tiny flat - so full of stuff, but stacked, shelved, piled and boxed neatly and in a place. He said I was messy and I believed it. (I really wasn't)
After 9 years of wanting, I finally got my house. Our old neighbour remarked how amazed he was with the amount of stuff we had in our tiny flat (which I boxed up and carried downstairs by myself). I suddenly noticed too and cringed, hoping he wouldnt see the dead christmas tree DP needed to keep. And I finally had my baby. He took so long to decide yes or no.

During our travels we did housesitting. Our last was in the UK. We had a 7 year sit and he made a stupid suggestion to do up the property during our sit. It wasn't neccessary as the advert didn't ask for this so of course we were selected. Old house in a beautiful location. I was happy, just a lick of paint and then we can try for a baby or so I thought. Only muggins here had to do most of the work and we did a great job, but that was the start of my resentment. We ripped up carpets, plastered, painted, stripped skirting and window frames. We spent weekends doing the work in return for free rent but in the end it cost us a lot of labour and materials. He started hoarding junk in one of the spare rooms and garage, getting up at lunchtime to help me with DIY's on weekends. He worked full time in the week. I was working part-time and filling the remaining hours on DIY. After 6 years I kid you not, it was done and we started ttc. We had a baby. We soon rented privately and within 6 months I moved to Europe to beat brexit and get established, with our child and I soon rented a flat and got a great job. I loved parenting alone, my way. It was agreed he would stay in the UK to pack up the home and quit his job. I was amazed he let me do this. I wasn't sure I trusted him. No one could understand why he just wouldn't jack it all in and join us. Even I had to ask my sister in law to ask him of his plans. I had no idea if he was ever going to move. Stupid isn't it. We even split up for 6 months because of it. When he visited us, 3 months into the split, he was shocked I made him sleep in the spare room. He didn't realise I was serious. (He didn't even notice I had withdrawn from him as a result, for those 3 months. It's not normal is it) we reconciled after 6 months and started talking (or bullshitting rather and he does bullshit a lot, and lie too)
**

Now I'm on another sit, this one unofficial as I was about to be homeless as the flat had dodgy wiring we discovered in the end and the landlord wasn't fixing it. I Lost my job too (the company closed) I had 5 days to move out and keep my deposit by mutual agreement and I agreed I wouldn't report him. I just wanted to get out.

My unofficial sit came in great timing. The wife wanted to help me out and had seen my plea on facebook. House had been vacant for 4 years. No interest in it, a difficult sell. I moved in and DH joined us after 4 years travelling back and forth between us and the UK. He took so long to pack up our rented house and quit the job. He promised 6 months. He took 4 years.
He insiated on calling the landlord to thank him for letting us stay in his house. Suggested we take on ddiy. He's now agreed we upkeep the house. He has effectively created a verbal contract with the husband now, who so happens to know who my parents are so it's created a complicated situation. I'm so annoyed because once again he isn't doing the work. The boiler doesn't work (hence difficult sell because of lack of certificates). We can't afford 500euros for the oil for the radiators. I knew all this because it was disclosed. I wasn't intending to stay long. His hoarding is getting out of control now. He hoards on any avaliable surface and room. I'm so overwhelmed. He makes storage for me and then fills with stuff. Everything is mixed up. Things in boxes and piles. So I'm extracting mine and the kids stuff from his stuff. I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like im erasing my life out of the house. He isn't maintaining the house or the huge garden.