1635 Days to Go....

[Findingmemyselfagain]

'When I'm in his presence, I feel like I am a horrible person. DH is very critical of me and sometimes nasty. He talks about me to people at work. He belittles me - always has done. I am deaf, but he won't face me nor speak up. I always feel I am in trouble/a disapointment, but he doesn't communicate with me. In the public eye, he's a perfect husband/partner and that's what makes it so hard not to doubt myself and my sanity'

1635 days till 27th April 2029.

I have to leave and I will leave on or by 27th April in 2029. Dramatic I know, but I need to get money and a house together for me and my kids. I need my pride and self respect back. I need to learn to be more independent like I used to be. I want to find me again. I am 40 and today I was 'told off' for leaving the back door open during the unloading of the car. It's not normal is it? The rule is keep doors closed so mozzies/flies/mice/the cold can't get in. Apparently. My child and I were reminded of this rule today because we came home to find we had caught a mouse in the trap. Anyway he left the dead mouse there by the door and sat on the sofa instead. Presumably to deal with later, so I dealt with it - what's one more thing to add to my list of things that need doing?

This thread is to keep me on track, on target. Its also somewhere I can write privately. I flip and flop. My feelings so jumbled by the ups and downs, the tensions and eggshells, my imagination and reality. I know I am right - I must get out. It will be hard, deverstating even. I will have to explain my reasons so many times and I will doubt myself every second of my waking hours. I will feel guilt. I keep defaulting to the thought that we can always live apart together. Perhaps that might be enough. Perhaps that might soften the blow. Inside I'm terrified.

TO DO THIS WEEK

1. Recgonise what behaviour is normal and what isn't. In me and him.
2. Remember I'm leaving. So don't bite into it, don't defend myself when critised, smile sweatly, let him discipline alone - I don't need to get involved. 3.Live independently again with my kids - Decide what that picture look like? Make memories with my girls.

(Disclosure - a few details have changed and others omitted.)

ISSUES

1. Lazy parenting (will move the kids out of the way), doesn't play with them. Will do stuff on laptop with them, science and watch TV. Mostly falls asleep. One morning he got up with the baby and got into the toddlers bed with her because I asked to lie in as I was up most of the night. The toddler was up already. So weird right.

1. Hates the kids wearing pink, makeup and jewellery - they are actually tomboys, but like to experiment with facepaints and nails. I couldn't give a F. Will physically remove jewellery from their body without asking them. He couldn't see why this is a problem.

1. Critical of my actions. I lie so much. I lie to avoid his harsh criticism. I lie because I broke one of his rules. Because I'm in trouble. I tell miss 6 to keep quiet and to hide or keep secret. I hate it! I hate doing it. I do it though because my mother did it. He will point out things he hates about others (wearing jewellery for example) knowing I wear jewellery.

1. Is emotionally vacant, I feel like a single parent. He has no sense of impact, will say really loaded or hurtful things and be amazed that I am upset. He is also very angry when defensive (lots of things he takes personally/as a criticism).

1. No deaf awareness. Still won't face me nor raise his voice.

1. No eye contact.

1. No affectionate touch, hand holding or hugs for me or the kids, except when we are in bed. I roll over!

1. No communication. Communication is a non-starter. We spend so much time in the same physical space but separate - he’s always doing work or his own interests. None of this seems to bother or even register with him whatsoever.

1. Switches off every evening. Sleeps. Listens to radio.

1. Speaks as if I am one of the children and in front of them. 'We are going to start sorting the recycling' as an example.

10. Poor timekeeping. Doesn't care if people wait for him. He's ready when he's ready.

I could go on. How do I stop being gaslit? How does the scenario play out when I leave him. I cannot visualise it. When is the last straw?

I know about waiting too long Finding only bc the ‘last straw’ wasn’t even the last straw - they kept falling on me after I’d even left

you seem to be doing what you can, (and I wonder at posting those details just in case your P is as adept at online monitoring as mine) the situation sounds so complex

the best I can offer is to work out if you had to leave today what would be necessary

work from there, from zero/immediate need rather than what you would want to have and then having to work backwards from how long it would take to amass all that

a mind shift which may or may not be there for you yet (didn’t register with me at all until later with hindsight) is that you do not have to work to a particular timeframe - even as I am saying go asap!

you can control when you leave the earlier you decide to and the sooner you have the very basics

you are not obligated to him, to family, to job, to holidays, even to kids ages (staying for them until x ages or after exams etc) you do not need house deposit, life raft, a sign from God or a timeline from MN

something like custody/different countries I know nothing about - that would be part of your basics to find out where you legally stand probably

then the leaving is up to you - you do not have to wait for any ‘last straw’ or ‘worst’ - you have the agency to make that choice for yourself

again, hopefully others can advise what ‘basics’ might be needed for expat etc

You both sound incredibly odd-the whole arrangements are nuts and not great for stability for children either- and I'm a pretty bohemian person

I want my children to see me reading books, sewing, mediating and planning travels - all the things I did before I met DP.
I was free. I want my children to see 'me'. The woman I was before I had children and before I met DP. I had dreams and ambition.
But not the woman I was before I met DP. That was an abusive relationship. I had to sleep on the floor. I had to withdraw all my wages and give to him and he hit me too. I was miles away from home in Australia. I was nieve at 19.
But not the woman I was before that because I was at home and my father was a drunk (because he was abused by the local vicar when he was a child)
So really DP isn't all that bad. Or is he?
You see why I am so confused. All this really isn't normal is it? And that frightens me. The not knowing what is normal and what isn't. How evil men can be. How I cannot protect my children. I see my father most days, as if all is normal.

Today is my birthday and DP forgot. I knew he had. The buildup used to be so exciting. My family reminded him last week they say, but still he forgot. Well nobthats a lie. He just didntnput the effort in. I reminded him 4 days ago and he said 'oh shit!'. He spent yesterday with the kids, finalising their homemade gifts until late and he worked on it till past bedtime.
My birthday wish was to leave DP sooner.

Thank you for that kick up the arse. You know who you are. Truly. Although your words hurt, it sobered me up.

I AM wasting time, absolutly, in trying to work him out, journalling, trying to be frugal, moving stuff round. All these challenges I set myself, plans I'm making ARE wasting time.
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DETATCH WITH LOVE
1.I accept his behaviour. See it for what it is and accept that its his choice to be who he is. His behaviour is his responsibility. He doesn't need my intervention nor my defense.
2. I release my expectations of him. I have my role and I stick to it. I accept 100 percent responsibility for the children and the home (although I don't agree with it - needs must)
3. His stresses are not mine, but his stresses should not be minimised as a result.
4. Live independently again with my kids - Decide what that picture look like? Make memories with my children.
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At the end of the day all that matters is a steady income, a car and a mortgage to create a loving and stable home. Those are the 3 things I need to put into place.

Stability - that is a good word to consider. For some reason - lack of money mainly, circumstance, brexit and covid being the main factors, I just cannot find stability within 4 walls.
I haven't got it in my relationship and my children haven't got it in their father, but I cannot control that. I need to find it in my earning potential.

My parents say no more moving houses. I agree it isn't fair on the kids to move about. In truth I hadn't planned to housesit to move about over here. I had a rogue landlord previously in a home I was planning to stay long term. So the intention WAS there.

Renting isn't reliable here. I'm extremely rural. No one here rents. They all buy. My friends all have swimming pool properties. I have a few friends who only come for the summers. I don't know anyone renting. (Think st Barts) . All but 1 friend have no idea of my situation at all.

A mortgage it is. And a final plan. Join me on my accountability journey here and let me inspire you too. If you wish to kick me down with unkind words and uneccessary critism (rather than constructive critism) then I wish you all the best, I bid you goodbye now and I kindly ask you to move off this thread.

Onwards and upwards. I don't need to explain my situation any further. I don't want a man bashing thread. I want to inspire my kids, my friends and other women in my situation. I thank you for letting me have this accountability thread.
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NUMBER OF DAYS TO GO: 1,614
(You'll see why below)

TARGETS:

A. 2 years to build a proffitable business.

B. Buy a car

C. Start saving for a mortgage. I need to save 708€ per month over 5 years.
Based on a property costing 170,000 (That will need modernisation and no swimming pool obviously)
25 percent down-payment (I visited the bank last week) = 42,500k
÷ 5 years = 8,500 annually
÷ 12 months = 708pm to save monthly.

D. 3 years tax returns to apply for mortgage that show strong earnings. Hopefully in 1,615 days!

E. Seperate

F. Buy a property.

BARRIERS

1. No savings
2. No income
3. Hard to find rentals area / landlords don't favour single mothers with children because they cannot be evicted. 4.We share a car / no public transport.

TO DO:
[ ] Launch my passion sideline now. This isn't anything to do with our business.
[ ] Launch my nieche sideline in January - busiest time for sales. It will be tight.
[ ] Continue building our family business (we only share an website - and are both self employed in seperate areas.)
[ ] Start saving money for a car.

What about moving in with your parents temporarily while you get on your feet? Or are they in the UK?

Would your dh refuse to let you and the dc leave the country you're in?

And it's all very well your parents saying "no more moving" but if you're living very rurally, have no car and a disability, it's an extra obstacle whereas moving to say a small town with amenities & public transport would actually help you get towards your goals and remove the necessity for a car. And probably be better for the kids in terms of social lives and independence as they get older.

And shouldn't you be looking at improving your language skills so you can build your business with more than just ex-pats and tourists?

Also, as soon as your business starts making money, won't your dh expect to see you contributing to the household expenses etc? How are you effectively going to squirrel enough away in your time frame?

Also, if you're building up assets while in the marriage, I don't know what country you're in, but divorce may mean those are fair game for dividing between you. Which if he is equally building up savings or whatever may not be a problem, but if it's just you ...

Oh sorry, read back properly and you're not married.

I do think you'll struggle to put money aside as if your partner is abusive though (which he sounds like he is, if not as extreme as your previous partner). It won't suit him for you to be gaining independence financially. He'll likely sabotage you by creating new expenses or insisting on a crippling proportion of what you earn.

Op, I'm not sure how it works for you in terms of where you are living and the laws around that but I agree, if it is anything like here UK, you could find yourself handing over at least half of what you earn. Here (excluding inheritance if kept seperatel) everything tends to go in a single pot and then divided. However, you are partners and not married - this too makes a difference here.

I understand how you feel with your countdown. I am also in countdown mode but nearer the 1000 day mark. Interesting way to put it, I will work out in days how long this actually is for me. I can relate to feeling 'told off' and also the emotional distance, I am no longer comfortable in my own home. I feel as if I need to do some groundwork to get out of this marriage. I realise how much has been lacking emotionally though I try not to re-write history as it was what I needed at the time and I have some lovely dc now who I wouldn't be without.

I have established (been to a solicitor) what my entitlement is and it is enough - if I leave next year, it will be enough financially. Next year will be pivotal for me in terms of securing capital. Gathering all necessary paperwork currently.

I am saving a small amount - won't amount to a huge amount overall but it is making me feel better psycologically and helping me move toward my end goal.

I am de-cluttering as the move will mean a downsize. I am finding this helpful in terms of I feel like I'm doing something constructive and there is much to get rid of.

Building up a social network. I have very little support in real life. Again, the ages of dc have bearing on this and it will become easier soon. I have already extended my social network and will continue to do so. I live as if seperated in a lot of ways.

The main issue for me is timing with my dc's age. Various exams to move through and age of youngest dc. I am probably hiding behind this but psycologically, it is taking me some time to make the move most likely due to m own upbringing and giving myself permission to leave.

My timescale has reduced and I can see a way out much earlier than I first thought. There is some sense in waiting sometimes but it may not be as long as what you think (or can manage). Wishing you all the best op. You are not alone.

Hi.
I take great comfort in having this thread. Thank you mumsnet for giving me this safe space.
Many have persuaded me that this countdown is silly. I know it is really. I started a new business.
I have found a house in a local village. I am just going to go for it. I don't have quite enough to afford it. But I will explain my situation to the landlord. The problem is I am unmarried and I have children. It's very hard to rent as as a single women here.
I need to work the courage to tell my partner that its over. Why am I so afraid? How do I end things, gah!

You say "I do not want to be in this relationship any longer and I am ending it"

Good luck!

Yes, thank you for your confidence. It is true.

I don't know if anyone wants an update, but I started a business 2 mths ago in property care. I look after 3 homes , 2 are holiday homes. I charge 140£m.

Excellent start, hopefully you can gain more clients.

Good luck @Findingmemyselfagain

Its quiet clear that you and your children are in an abusive relationship with a house devil and street angel.
They often are.
Your children absolutely absorb his treatment of you even if they don't know the words.

I think you should reach out to Women's aid for support in getting away from him.

I found a women's aid group here. It talks of abusive relationships. Am I really being abused though?
He will deny it.
I am doubting myself.
Am I manipulating the narrative?
Am I imagining things?
When the kids are in bed, he is normal.
Is it just that the kids are stressing him out.
I'm so confused. I do not want to be with this man so why is letting go so hard. Why do I feel like the mean person. Why do I feel guilty?

He doesn't need to agree on whether it's abusive.

Go to the group. How about you treat it a bit like Alcoholics Anonymous - keep listening, and see if you recognise anything in what others say about their relationships. You don't have to tell them anything if you don't want to.