Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't get it... Online Date

73 replies

Onlinedaterubbish · 26/10/2024 21:00

Me (34) and my online date (37) met last weekend after a week of chatting on app and arranging to meet for a date after he asked me out. It wasn't the best date in the world, but it was pleasant and he was pleasant and I hoped I'd see him again and it would be less awkward next time. It started a bit awkward as most meetings between strangers do, but we had a some good chat and a laugh at times.

At ten o'clock, I said we should be getting off as we both had work the following day so we left the pub. Hugged each other goodbye and wished each other well for getting back safe.

He text me an hour later saying 'Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time! I thought you looked incredible btw' which I thought was nice. I responded and said it had been nice and had been good to meet him too.

A few back and forth messages about our journeys home then I said I was heading to bed and Goodnight.

That was nearly a week ago, and I didn't hear from him again.

Why did he text me at all after the date if he wasn't interested? And more, why did he bother to say I 'looked incredible' with a heart eyes emoji, when his behaviour since suggests he didn't feel that way after all? He wasn't that taken with me or have such a great time, if he didn't bother to text me ever again?

His online profile states he wants to find a long term relationship.

Bit disheartened as in mid thirties and still can't meet anybody.

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 27/10/2024 00:34

A lot of deleted posts on this thread...it's baffling @Onlinedaterubbish but not one to attempt to analyse. You hardly know him, could be anything.

smallsilvercloud · 27/10/2024 00:49

You said yourself it wasn't the best date and a bit awkward so chances are he also felt that, isn't worth waiting until you do have an amazing first date with someone?
He probably thought you did look nice but on next day reflection decided not to pursue you any further, people are fickle, it's actions not words to take note of.

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/10/2024 00:52

After a week of no contact, I’d send a message saying ‘nice to meet you but I feel the moment has passed. All the best.’

Neutral enough to not cause offence, clear enough that he’s in no doubt. He can ponder the whys himself.

longtimelurkerr · 27/10/2024 00:57

isn't worth waiting until you do have an amazing first date with someone?

No - sometimes second or third dates are when the nerves evaporate and the excitement starts. Always worth a second date.

longtimelurkerr · 27/10/2024 00:57

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/10/2024 00:52

After a week of no contact, I’d send a message saying ‘nice to meet you but I feel the moment has passed. All the best.’

Neutral enough to not cause offence, clear enough that he’s in no doubt. He can ponder the whys himself.

Don't do this, OP. Just move on.

Notsurewhatodohere · 27/10/2024 01:29

I sympathize! Dating culture is very weird and disappointing, lots of my friends have had similar experiences to yours as have I. It messes with you head when you get those kinds of mixed messages. Probably the best way to look at it was that he was never going to last the distance so it’s good that he bailed when he did and you didn’t invest more time in him. Unfortunately people are not always as kind or respectful as they could be in the dating world.

Kibble29 · 27/10/2024 01:33

What was the gist of the last message you sent? Was it something that would normally need a reply?

Original poster
Onlinedaterubbish · 27/10/2024 12:50

Kibble29 · 27/10/2024 01:33

What was the gist of the last message you sent? Was it something that would normally need a reply?

I guess not, I just said I was going to bed, and Goodnight, with a smiley emoji.

I think it's better when they DON'T send you a message saying they had a nice evening (when they didn't) after a date, it sends a clearer message.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerr · 27/10/2024 13:05

He probably wasn't sure, OP, and just decided against arranging another date. Or maybe he met someone else he 'vibed' with better. Or maybe he just couldn't be bothered.

Men can be very confusing, so chalk it up to experience and do not take it personally. I've had men ghost me after truly amazing dates where they've behaved like love sick puppies.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 27/10/2024 13:09

It wasn't the best date in the world, but it was pleasant and he was pleasant and I hoped I'd see him again and it would be less awkward next time. It started a bit awkward as most meetings between strangers do, but we had a some good chat and a laugh at times.

It doesn't sound as though either of you were blown away, though. Perhaps he's been on another date (or a few) since you and met someone he did have the best date in the world with and had an instant rapport.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 27/10/2024 13:11

That doesn't mean that he didn't enjoy your date though or find you attractive.

localnotail · 27/10/2024 13:43

I think he liked you and though you were nice but he has been seeing other people and met someone else he is investing more time in. There is a big chance he could reappear if his first choice would not work out.

I dont know if its right or wrong but I would try to arrange a second date as soon as possible. Like, the same text thread you had after the first date. Then you would know for sure - if he is vague or cancels then he is not interested.

I think its awkward - imagine yourself in this situation: you met a nice guy, he was sweet, but there was no spark and you have another date lined up with somebody you fancy more. What would you do? Exactly what he's done. Be polite and then just keep quiet hoping he wont message.

BigNosed · 27/10/2024 13:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

winter8090 · 27/10/2024 13:50

I think you did the right thing not getting in Touch.

Had he been keen he would have got in touch.

It sounds like the date went well, he found you attractive but ultimately there is something going on with him that is preventing him getting in touch. Maybe someone else.

I bet he gets in touch in the future and I hope you treat what's happened as a bit of a red flag and tread carefully with him.
Hopefully by then you'll have met someone elseI. I think your best approach is NEXT!

Original poster
Onlinedaterubbish · 27/10/2024 13:55

Thank you. I think this one is playing on my mind because this is the 9th first date I've had this year from online dating apps after starting the year determined this would be my year. And there have been a few who haven't got in touch again so its very disheartening when you don't understand what was wrong. Although of course I know they are just not into me, but why is my question.

I'm 34 and wanting a family and feel like odds are not lining in my favour.

I think I'm genuine, use recent photos on apps, don't expect too much too soon, dress nice and make an effort. And still nobody falls for me.😔Seems so easy for other people.

OP posts:
50andhopeless · 27/10/2024 13:58

Onlinedaterubbish · 27/10/2024 13:55

Thank you. I think this one is playing on my mind because this is the 9th first date I've had this year from online dating apps after starting the year determined this would be my year. And there have been a few who haven't got in touch again so its very disheartening when you don't understand what was wrong. Although of course I know they are just not into me, but why is my question.

I'm 34 and wanting a family and feel like odds are not lining in my favour.

I think I'm genuine, use recent photos on apps, don't expect too much too soon, dress nice and make an effort. And still nobody falls for me.😔Seems so easy for other people.

How many have you discarded for whatever reason?

BigNosed · 27/10/2024 13:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarineeyes · 27/10/2024 14:05

Look it could be just the dating pool. But. in the circumstances, are you being a bit too selective? How flexible are you on age, height and earning potential? I dated a lot of lawyers and accountants and the odd economist as I met a lot in my job but married a cute scientist instead.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 14:07

I think he was being polite and nice, but then maybe another one of the people he was dating became more important to him over that week. Or maybe he was waiting for you to ask him out again? To say you looked great during your date isn't a commitment to anything. It shows he did think you're attractive, but nothing more really.
Just ask him out again, or don't? But it's difficult to say exactly what's going on in his head or life.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 27/10/2024 14:08

And there have been a few who haven't got in touch again so its very disheartening when you don't understand what was wrong.

In all likelihood, there was nothing 'wrong', but they weren't the right one. There are loads of nice people, interesting people, attractive people out there, but that doesn't mean they're the right person to share your life with. Finding your person is pretty hard and takes an element of luck.

BigNosed · 27/10/2024 14:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Catlord · 27/10/2024 14:48

Onlinedaterubbish · 27/10/2024 13:55

Thank you. I think this one is playing on my mind because this is the 9th first date I've had this year from online dating apps after starting the year determined this would be my year. And there have been a few who haven't got in touch again so its very disheartening when you don't understand what was wrong. Although of course I know they are just not into me, but why is my question.

I'm 34 and wanting a family and feel like odds are not lining in my favour.

I think I'm genuine, use recent photos on apps, don't expect too much too soon, dress nice and make an effort. And still nobody falls for me.😔Seems so easy for other people.

I think to understand why he's not that into you, ask yourself why were you just not that into him?

It'll likely be a similar reason. Nothing wrong with him, you just weren't.

i know you were happy enough to go on another date but that sounded more like wanting a second date (or to be asked) than being keen to see him again personally.

Nine men you've met haven't fallen for you, so what? Have you fallen for them?

Seems like you're dating sane people looking for a serious match. They're complimenting you and enjoying your company as they recognise a good thing. They're just not wasting your time by taking it further when they don't see a future. Shows you've got good instincts. They're not leading you on for the sake of company or sex. If you're laughing on dates, having a good chat and not saying, oversharing about exes or finances, then it doesn't sound like anything at all is wrong, you're on the right lines. If you do feel a "spark' with the next one, ask him out again.
If he doesn't do so immediately. He might say no but you've tried being proactive.

Catlord · 27/10/2024 14:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I didn't find that true at all tbh. Ive had good relationships but found myself single mid 30s. There are plenty of professional men just settling down after concentrating on their careers in their 30s. My DP was one, he has several friends the same who met partners around the same time, I have several good male friends I met OLD but didn't have a romantic spark with. All really interesting and decent blokes who hadn't focussed on romance in their 20s and early 30s.

You might meet a few in that position who are in the throes of carried away with their new found success with women. Leave them to it. But plenty of good ones around. Not everyone wants to settle down early.

sunsmiles · 27/10/2024 14:57

I read an article where a bunch of men commented on this and said something like, in the after glow of the date they do genuinely mean it but on reflection the next day they realise they are not that fussed.

People will disagree, but in my dating experience, men who were interested tried to secure the second date on the first. If you're unsure - you have your answer.

Keep going - it really is a numbers game :)

Lampan · 27/10/2024 15:08

I guess neither of you were keen enough to suggest a second date, that’s all. Doesn’t mean he didn’t think you looked incredible.

I think if you’re keen to meet someone, next time you have a good first date, you be the one to suggest a second meeting - don’t get into the situation where you’re waiting around for them to ask you. If you get rejected then at least you can move on. By suggesting the second meeting, you’re less likely to settle into a passive role if a relationship develops, which can only be a good thing.