In a mess here

[Realitea]

In the process but at the very beginning of getting a divorce. Dh has a new property secured. Communication is not a strong point and we only just started talking about what led us to this point. He questioned something I quoted to him as he recognised being told the same. Turns out it was all based on mistruths from dd putting us against each other so we both believed things that weren’t true about each other. Yes our parenting styles are opposite which was always difficult and he is short tempered but he’s not a monster which is what was being made out to me. I feel like I need to do a big rewind here and stop the divorce. Obviously he might not want to do this now but I’m thinking if we lived apart but stayed together it might be salvageable. Or is that a terrible idea? Am I just prolonging the inevitable? It just seems such a shame because I truly feel he is my soul mate.

Did you guys try counselling before you agreed to split? Would he be open to having counselling as a means of working through everything, it may make it clearer for both of you and if you do still split could potentially make it easier/ more amicable? But it's also a route to see if it really is better off left in the past or if there is a way back to each other...

How old is dd?

I dont understand how you get to divorce with discussing problems before now.

What age is your daughter and what was said?

Again I dont understand why if your daughter said something you didnt discuss it with your partner at that point in time.

Would marriage counselling be an option?

Fascinating.

How has DD managed to cause the breakup of your marriage? Why would she want to do that?

So many questions here, what were the reasons for the divorce? Did you really never discuss them together before you went ahead and started the process? If not, why not? How old is DD?

Impossible to say anything as its all so vague.
But clear that you two need to talk.
It doesn’t take two to divorce, but it does to rebuild.

It's guess the post time....

My guess is op was having an exit affair that was on the cards to go forward but has now ended.

Op wishes to pull back on ending the marriage and she's testing the daughter theory ecxcuse.

Counselling would be worthwhile even if your marriage ends. You can agree parenting and separation boundaries.

I would be going to him and saying that you've been thinking a lot about how you got to this point and you'd like to try counselling to make sure you've tried everything before divorcing as you think a lot is based on communication issues which might be resolvable.

Is this daughter belonging to both of you.

Thanks all, I know it’s vague but I know posts are googleable.
There was absolutely no affair at all.
Dd is mid teens.
It just all happened so quickly before we had even had a chance to talk he had got the new place to live.
I will talk to him and see what he thinks. I’m expecting him to say it’s too late so won’t get my hopes up.

Yes she is

Are you claiming that you started divorce precedings because your DD said he was abusive to her? And now you are getting divorced, she has changed her story?
Perhaps your DD needs counselling. If someone changes their story under pressure, it doesn't make it a new truth necessarily. It's hard to know as you've been very vague, more detail is required. What was the alledged 'monstrous' behaviour? Have you been able to varify off a third party that the initial claims are false, or is it still down to he said/she said?
You've done a sharp about turn from him being difficult to talk to, to being your 'soul mate' - doubtful this is true, it's just your fear of being on your own, and fear of change.

He’s snappy and strict while I’m the opposite.
I had been told things by her along those lines where I thought it has gone way too far. So yes she’s been told off but not as bad as made out and as it was always happening when I wasn’t there it was difficult.
Yet it turns out she had been telling dh things about me that weren’t true so we both thought the other person had completely lost it.
I really think family counselling would be beneficial aswell as couples counselling. I guess it’s not worth thinking too hard about anyway as he will probably say he wants to divorce as things have just gone too far now

OP l would be very concerned that your daughter had been telling both your partner and you lies about the other. What on earth would she gain from that?

That’s what we’re trying to work out. Attention maybe?

Or maybe DH is making it up so you don’t believe what she’s said about him?

I think he has told her off but it’s not been as terrifying as dd made out. She is having a bad time with his temper as their personalities really clash and that needs addressing but it’s more of a snappiness than absolutely terrifying outbursts. There are lots of completely normal times too. What made me really listen to him is when he told me what she had told him about me. It absolutely wasn’t true and I could prove it.

Are you sure your DH isn't telling you lies to make you doubt your daughter?

Personally I couldn't live with someone with a short temper. It is a very immature response to stress. People should learn to manage their emotions before they inflict them on other people. I would be proceeding with the divorce myself.

That’s very true. It’s not like he will change either without a lot of effort and therapy which I doubt he’d be interested in

Even if you remain split up, you will have to coparent with him so I think family therapy would be extremely good for all of you.

Why would your daughter have lied about such significant things? Has she shown any regret about you splitting up?

Maybe dd is trying to make sense of it all and I think we are both at fault for her for being too involved in it all. We’ve said to her now we are just going to speak directly to each other instead of her hearing things and going backwards and forwards

What did she tell your husband about you? And have you brought it up with her and asked her why she lied about it?