Bfs opinion on marriage

[Crazyfarmgirl]

I've been with my partner for 10 years. I had come out of a long term relationship with a baby, and made it clear my next relationship I wanted engagement within 5 years. Partner agreed at the time and said marriage is what he wanted. Fast forward to now, he's saying marriage is pointless nowadays, and won't benefit him. He's saying I'll sponge him for everything he's got (I'm the main earner). So I'm not sure why he's suddenly changed his mind. We had a major argument over it the other night, I usually gently bring up the subject once or twice a year, because I want to know where I stand. He shouted saying all I do is nag him about it, despite not having mentioned it since early last year. So my only option is to leave or suck it up as it's clear it'll never happen. I know the benefits of marriage as I saw my mother lose everything after her long term relationship broke down. I just want to know whether I can still have the same level of security without marriage. Because clearly I'll never get it with this current man. We have a young baby and I don't share any other assets with him (home, savings account etc). I did an informal proposal a few years back, which it was a straight no, so I've tried.

"He shouted saying all I do is nag him about it,"

He's not a nice guy and basically undermining your very normal questions.

I'd be looking for a way out of this relationship.

I'm a single mum. Life has been so much better without a man abusing me, emotionally, verbally or physically.

You do meet some wonderful men again. Even just for friendship, which is better than those abusers.

He sounds utterly vile. You'll 'sponge' him when you're the main earner?! Deluded ejit.

Dump him, seriously what is the point?? He’s been stringing you along for years!

Well he sounds charming. You’re the main earner and he’s accusing you of sponging off him!? Being aggressive and dishonest, misleading you, while you have had his baby and been clear about your expectations all along.

Does he bring any positives to the situation? On the face of your post I would say leave him to it. He’s made his position (painfully) clear.

Why did you have a baby with him? 🤦‍♀️

Sounds like he’s been watching those YouTube misogynists like Andrew Tate or Andrew Wilson. I would cut my losses.

I fell pregnant 8.5 years in and didn't want to go through an abortion. My contraceptive failed for the first time, but I shouldn't have to justify that..

He used to be a future faker. When he turned down your proposal? He gave you an answer. When your reached your 5 year deadline and he didn't propose, he gave you an answer.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Now, that hurts. But it is the truth. He doesn't want to marry you.

Are you ready to give up on marriage? Or are you working on leaving him? Those are your two options.
Yes, wills can give you lot of protection. But they can be changed without you knowing.

This.

He does a lot for us. He gave me somewhere to live, he maintains my car so I can drive our son to places, works hard to pay half for our weekly shop etc. More than my last boyfriend ever did so I count myself lucky

I feel I've been with him long enough that marriage isn't the prime reason to break up, for the time being. If I met another lovely man I can't guarantee he'll ever want to marry me either. I've started to accept it'll likely never happen to me. It makes me a bit sad, but I feel losing him would make me sadder.

The things he does for you, do they also work for him? Like in giving you a place to live, does he get looked after - do you do the cooking and cleaning? Please don’t say you do his washing and ironing. I’m not mad about marriage either but if one person really wants it and one doesn’t I don’t know that’s it’s a good move to stay.

Then when you throw in his responses it really doesn’t sound like he’s for you. You should be with someone who does want to marry you and doesn’t think about sponging - regardless of who the main earner is.

OP... honestly, you're not describing someone who "does a lot".

The context here is that you have had his child.

You are describing the bare minimum.

This man has future-faked you and now he dares to accuse you of nagging him about his promise.

There is so much wrong with what you have described. Hearing him say to you that you will sponge him for everything he has got - I would be asking him why he now thinks this when initially he said he wanted marriage. It's incredibly insulting for him to be saying this to you now, it's a 180 turnaround, and of course, now you have a child with him. So, he didn't think you would sponge off him initially? If not, what has happened to make him think like this now? Can he answer this, or is he just another future faker? (These fuckers are everywhere. They promise this, that, and the other, because they want a leg over and a woman to take care of them and their household, and they are everywhere).

Horrendous.

I’m confused - is the baby your current partner’s? Or from a previous relationship?

These are all things he should be doing for his child as par for the course.

If you continue to be the main earner then marriage won't benefit you. Marriage is very important for women who cut back their careers to look after their children and whose husbands are the main earners. You currently don't share any assets and I'd keep it that way!

But it sounds like you might deserve better anyway. If he's not committed after 10 years he's unlikely to be any time soon.

I don't do anything for him, like cooking or his washing. He works funny hours so usually eats at different times to us. At this point I feel staying and remaining unmarried would out weigh leaving and still risking never getting married. It's just the "what if's".

I have an older son from a previous relationship, but I have a 2 year old with current partner

Also to add - why on earth would you want to be with someone who thinks so poorly of you that they tell you that you will "sponge them for everything they have"!

If he really thinks this, then he hates you. FFS.

And if someone said that to me, I'd rather be on my own than with someone who clearly dislikes me so much as to think that of me.

Just make sure you have housing security, so shared ownership.

Or save enough money to rent or buy somewhere if you need to.

If you're the main earner, don't marry.

Have to agree… someone who thinks of you and speaks to you like that doesn’t deserve you.

You can see a solcitor and have things put in place, wills, prenups etc that will give you the same protections as marriage. Will cost more tho, but if it's legal and financial protection that's important you can do that instead. That's what we chose to do as we don't want to get married. Wills are important because otherwise half the house would go to hys sister as next if kin. Same with pensions life insurance death in service benefit etc.

So you earn more, but he has the home asset? Do you pay towards his mortgage? If not, then save like crazy. If you do pay towards his mortgage, stop doing so and save it. Then invest the money for your future should anything happen.
He has sussed that marrying you means if you split you have a claim to his assets, and cms, whereas you have no assets to claim and would probably be doing at least 50/50 childcare, so you earning more doesn't benefit him.

It's his parents home, so I don't think I could claim it if we were to split. He doesn't even have a car at the moment and only has use of mine, even!

It's obvious he's just really against the idea, but given you've been together for ten years, I actually think he's a keeper.

I would simply say to NEVER do anything that would put you at a financial disadvantage. Tell him that if he doesn't want to give you that relationship security, then all finances are split, you put in equal amounts into a joint account (rent, food, utilities, taxes etc) and that you make very clear what is yours and his. That way, should you break up, you have a solid financial foundation and it's not been him (for example) who has been banking all the money, or it's 'his' car, house, etc.

Take saving seriously.