Bfs opinion on marriage

[Crazyfarmgirl]

I've been with my partner for 10 years. I had come out of a long term relationship with a baby, and made it clear my next relationship I wanted engagement within 5 years. Partner agreed at the time and said marriage is what he wanted. Fast forward to now, he's saying marriage is pointless nowadays, and won't benefit him. He's saying I'll sponge him for everything he's got (I'm the main earner). So I'm not sure why he's suddenly changed his mind. We had a major argument over it the other night, I usually gently bring up the subject once or twice a year, because I want to know where I stand. He shouted saying all I do is nag him about it, despite not having mentioned it since early last year. So my only option is to leave or suck it up as it's clear it'll never happen. I know the benefits of marriage as I saw my mother lose everything after her long term relationship broke down. I just want to know whether I can still have the same level of security without marriage. Because clearly I'll never get it with this current man. We have a young baby and I don't share any other assets with him (home, savings account etc). I did an informal proposal a few years back, which it was a straight no, so I've tried.

I wouldn't be asking anyone who regarded me as a sponge to marry me, never mind enquiring twice a year if he's changed his mind yet.

He's saying I'll sponge him for everything he's got

He hasn’t got anything.

He doesn’t own a home - it’s his parents house.
He doesn’t have a car - he uses yours.
He “works hard to pay for half the weekly shop”.
You’re the main earner.

He's delusional.

As are you.

He gave me somewhere to live - no, his parents gave you somewhere to live.
he maintains my car so I can drive our son to places - no, you said it yourself He doesn't even have a car at the moment and only has use of mine that’s why he maintains your car, because he needs it.

There absolutely is a sponger in this relationship - him!

I’d assume his thinking is that when his parents die he inherits their house and you could then take half its value should you divorce. He shouldn’t have used the phrase “sponge” but in honesty I probably wouldn’t get married in those circumstances either, having been divorced once before.

Until / unless he acquires a significant asset marriage doesn’t really gain you any financial security in any case and may even be a financial risk for you (if say you have a bigger pension or more savings).

I think if you read these threads you’re always going to be told to LTB etc because most of the information you’ve given about him is negative I.e he called you a sponge and doesn’t want to marry you. But there will be a lot more context to it than that and only you can judge if you want to stay with him without marriage. If you had a conversation where you said you want to marry for financial security, it’s fairly easy to see how it turned negative.

It actually sounds like you may want commitment more than financial protection?

I feel after being in several non-committal relationships, I'm certainly longing for commitment I don't feel I'm getting from him. I'm on the waiting list for counselling, so hopefully they could help untangle why I feel I need marriage. Probably to do with my own upbringing, having a deadbeat dad myself, and my mother losing everything she put into after having several long term, live in relationships. Perhaps I'm worried I'd end up in the same boat, but I think I've already put myself half way there

Now that he has made it clear he doesn't want a marriage. How is your relationship? Are you resentful, are these negative emotions growing? Is this relationship worth the sacrifice of marriage? Yes, you are not guaranteed a marriage if you leave him. But there is a chance you could find someone else. Would that make you feel better? Taking back control of your life?

I personally don't trust wills. If he is scared you would take half his parents house, can you sign a prenup? However, I don't know if they mean anything in uk court. Or can his parents change their will and make it into a trust for only him to use? And when he dies their grandchild gets it?
I only heard about these suggestions, never seen them happen in rl.

If you’re the main earner, then there’s not a great deal of financial benefit to getting married. You’re in a very different position than a woman who’s given up her career to raise a family.

If you’re planning on staying then I’d suggest you instruct a solicitor to draw up a cohabitation agreement to ensure that your intentions with regard to any property are made clear.

Get mirror Wills. Although he could change his Will later without your knowledge, you’d probably have a claim against his estate if you can demonstrate a history of financial support.

In the event of a split, he’d have to pay child maintenance even if you’re not married.

So where has all your money gone if you have been living rent free all these years?

Main earner? If you were the main earner and loaded I doubt you’d still want to go ahead because you’ve said marriage caused your mum to lose everything

I’m not even sure what your motives are at this point?!

Where on earth did I state I was living rent free?! I'm an online seller, and partner is self employing on the farm so both of our incomes are very low. I make more than him, but it's only enough to cloth and feed me and our son, put fuel in the tank and put a bit aside for emergencies and help with water/electric bills. My mum lost everything because she WASN'T married..

Do his parents own the farm and is the house you live in farm property? If so, I’d guess that’s the issue. Most farming families don’t want to risk the farm property because it’s their livelihood.

Yes I think that may be what the problem is. Although his parents have been pushing the "when are you going to marry her" onto him. It's the fact he feels I'll take him for everything he's got, and saying he'd want full custody of our son. It's as if he's planning the divorce/break up before it's even happened!

But why? Has something happened to make him feel like this, did he seem happy with you previously?

Nothing has happened as far as I'm aware. He did go through a phase of messaging other girls in an inappropriate style, but we looked past that. I know I'm not perfect either, but it's like a switch went off overnight

I wonder. That sounds strange if there isn’t anything else going on. Spidey senses twitching here.

"A phase of messaging other girls"? Since when do adult men go through this? He cheated on you and disrespected your relationship - why are you so desperate to have commitment from him?

Sounds like he’s the one sponging off of you. Does he pay 50% of the insurance/car tax/fuel/MOTs/tyres? Does he pay 50% of the child’s upkeep? Utilities? Council tax? Holidays?

So stop asking and accept it isn't going to happen. But remember he lied about his intentions on order to get you to stay too long to leave easily. He thinks that marriage for you is simply a way to fleece him WHEN you break up. And he might have moved you in, but by not marrying you he's ensuring you don't walk away with anything.

The more you describe him, the worse of a man he appears to be.