Should your partner prioritise you and your children?

[Lala1962]

For context, my partner (32) and I (29) are currently discussing moving away from where we currently live, his hometown and where we met, as it is in a very expensive area of the country and we simply cannot afford to live here. We have a 4 month old baby girl.

DP is very upset/angry about the situation which I do understand given he would be moving away from his family (mum, brother and grandparents) and friends and the place he has lived his whole life. However we have explored all possibilities of staying here and are out of viable options. We’d be looking at least 2/3 hours away from where we are now to get anything decent.

In a discussion last week, I told DP that he and DD were my priority and my main goal was to live somewhere we all have a future together, hopefully with another child (which he also wants). DP responded that whilst we are important in his life, his other family and friends are of equal priority to us so he can’t just think about our needs and the life we deserve.

I’m not saying that family and friends are not very important as mine are to me and you should absolutely make time for them and put effort into your relationships with them but my view is that your partner and children (if you have them) should be your main priority and you should put them first then make things work with everyone else around them?

AIBU to think that? Not sure if I’m overthinking it but what he said has stuck with me and hurt a little bit. I would always put him and DD first in my life.

Personally moving 3 hours away from my entire support system would make me really upset, I wouldn’t want to do that, even if it meant us being able to have an amazing home. There are far more important things in life than a perfect home and if having that meant being so far from all of my family and friends I wouldn’t do it, even if that meant not having my dream home.

IMO when you have a child, your child's needs then take precedence over everything else until that child is 18 and/or independent.

That doesn't mean everything else has to be sacrificed on the altar of "it's best for DC" though. Is there a compromise to be reached here? How has it got to this point - was the baby unplanned?

I agree with you OP.
Certainly when you have children they should be the most important people in your life.
And your partner should become more important to you than your other relations and friends. You are supposed to be life partners and be united in facing life together.
Of course parents and other family hopefully still play an important role in your life. As do friends . But children and partner take priority.

We are currently living in rented accommodation well below market rate but that is coming to an end as LL is selling up unexpectedly. Bottom line is that we can’t afford to rent or buy anywhere big enough for us and DD anywhere near here on our salaries but at the same time don’t qualify for council housing (if there was any anyway!). It’s a rubbish situation to be in but not uncommon for people in our area. It’s not a decision we are taking lightly and I am really sad for him. Some of our other friends are in the same situation and will need to move out, we’ve just got there first because of DD and the LL selling up.

I also wouldn’t want to move 3 hours away from family, so I completely understand why he is upset.
Will it not just make life harder for everyone anyway, you’ll have maximum child care costs as there will be no extended family nearby to help out sometimes, no help in emergencies etc. I know some people do move away from their family and friends but a lot of people would admit it is a struggle when they have no support network nearby.

I wouldn't willingly move 2-3 hours away from my whole support network.

Yes, it's important to prioritise family life and the future together but that doesn't mean putting aside everything else.

My friends and family add important to me and they make me happy, they support me and I need them.

I'm not saying I'd never move but I would feel very upset about making a big move like this purely for financial reasons. It might be absolutely necessary but I wouldn't like it.

Saying that, if he decides do go ahead then he needs to fully accept and embrace it and not go ahead but punish you and make it difficult.

No baby was planned and we live in rented accommodation below market rate that is very unexpectedly coming to an end. The plan was that if that happened we would move elsewhere given the cost of living here but I don’t think DP thought it would happen anytime soon and is a bit shocked.

We will be paying max childcare costs here anyway as his family cannot help out. Perhaps the odd emergency day but likely is I would be picking it up as have a very flexible job.
We would also be moving to where my family are so we still have some support (my family can help with childcare so from that perspective would be better anyway). DP knows them and gets on well with them. They live in an area of the country that is nice and also a lot cheaper where we would both have work hence why that’s the option on the table.
I am very sympathetic of his situation though. I have moved away from my family and friends so know what it’s like - I made it work and am very close to them still but know that doesn’t make it easier being away from them.

Thank you and I do really understand and sympathise with the situation he is in. I moved away from my family and friends which was very hard so know the position he is in. It is rubbish that he and others in our area have had to make these decisions at all. None of our immediate friends have moved out but we do know of people who have moved to the north east/west as a result.

So he was ok with you living 2-3 hrs away from your family and friends?

I get that it's hard, but you survived and so will he.

The difference is OP had already moved and made that choice herself when she left, she met him where they currently are so presumably it is also where she wanted to and chose to be, irrespective of him.

This is a move he is almost forced into purely for financial reasons and that is an entirely different thing.

Yes your kids should be a priority - they need their parents to be happy, healthy and well supported. I wouldn't move away from friends and family unless there was literally no other choice.

Surely being able to give your child and partner your best, requires you to also feel fulfilled. If moving away from his family is really going to impact his happiness, then I'd need to think really, really hard about it. I could move to the country side and give my family a very different pace of life that I feel would be beneficial, but I am not leaving my mother as she ages 🤷‍♀️ I'd also consider the support and potential childcare local family could offer. That was invaluable to me

OP I also live in very expensive area and currently renting below market price. We 100% know we will have to move at least 2 hours away. Our children are now in school but I'm aware that nursery cost in the area is over £2000 a month plus meals and nappies etc. Even with some "free hours" if you want two children it really adds up (school clubs are not cheap either).
The average rent for crappy, small 2 bedroom flat is £1800 and going way over £2000 if you need 3 bedrooms or something decent. Buying a house here is impossible right now unless you have a lot of money, preferably through savings plus generous inheritance.
It absolutely isn't about having amazing house or great lifestyle. It's about having suitable housing and not having to chose between paying bills and putting food on the table or having a family.

People who live in cheaper areas or people who bought their house already years ago will not understand what you mean.

Just downsize, surely.

You only need a 2 bedroom.

I wouldn't be having more kids if it meant moving away from family. I love people that exist more than non existent, unnecessary ones.

Technically, you only need a 1 bedroom home. Provided it has a big kitchen dining space to serve as a living area. Then you make the livingroom into your bedroom. I'd probably even do this before moving 3 hours away from my loved ones.

In chasing dreams, you have lost sight of the people in your life that are real and matter. And matter to your partner.

Your daughter should be near her family too.

They are renting. You can't rent one bedroom flat for a family. Most landlords would not agree to it. And if she's paying below market price there it's unlikely smaller place will be cheaper.

We are currently in two bedroom and it's awful. With us sometimes working from home and not big enough living space. It's easier when nobody WFH. With rents being so high it's not as simple as finding something more suitable either. It can really makes you stuck and anxious and it's not about "chasing dreams".
Also people don't want to rent forever. It's very unstable and stressful. We know that if we ever want to buy we need to move hours away and I completely understand where OP is coming from.

We are living in a ‘two’ bedroom bungalow at the moment. I say ‘two’ because the second is a box room so just big enough for DD now but not long term. Me and my child deserve a proper home that can house us all with living space. It’s not a lot to ask for. DP and I work hard in good jobs but simply don’t earn enough in them for the housing in the area we live in. I think most people would agree that a 1 bed flat for a family of 3 is not an ideal living arrangement, especially as she gets older. My partner and I both want more children, it’s not just me. We also both want to buy so we’re not renting for the rest of our lives which is not feasible for us in the area we are in now.

I completely agree that family and friends are important but they are not going anywhere if they are in a different area of the country. You just have to adjust how your relationship works and put a bit more effort into seeing them. I currently live away from my family and friends to be with DP and those relationships have changed but not suffered. We all just make time to make them work. My daughter will have a relationship with DPs family in the same way she has a relationship with mine currently and would if we stayed here. I lived away from my grandparents as a child and have a great relationship with them because my parents made sure my brother and I knew them.

I was in a similar situation to you but the other way round. Met my husband in my hometown where my family live, and rented for years below market rate. The feeling of instability knowing you will never be able to buy, that you could be given notice to leave, that you can never quite do what you want to your home (however relaxed your landlord is), that you may never be able to provide that stable base your kids can always come back to no matter what, let alone just not having enough space, it's rubbish.

So we moved three hours away to where his family live and bought a house. The stability of that for our family had to be the priority in the end. I put a lot of effort into building a life and a social network here, and while it's hard sometimes not having my people just around the corner, we see them plenty and the times we do spend together are proper quality time. It can work well!

Thank you for understanding our situation. As you say, we are not considering moving to get a huge detached home. Just a home we can all fit in without living month to month and worrying about bills. That is not feasible in our area due to the cost of housing (and childcare - DDs alone will be £1500 a month with the gov help). If we could afford to live here I would not be moving. I like it and have made my own friends and ties here. I am used to living away from my family and friends and make it work with them. But I am open to moving elsewhere for our family to have a suitable life and achieve our dreams of more children and owning our own home - hence DP, DD and any other children being my priority.

Thank you for providing your experience, I’m really glad to hear your move was positive.
It is quite scary renting - we were not expecting to be served notice for several years and it has put us in a difficult position with DD. Fortunately it’s not an immediate eviction so have got time to figure it all out.

Like you I have made friends here as I made an effort to and the time I spend with my family and friends is quality time so I know it can be fine. However I do appreciate it can be a scary/daunting prospect - it was for me initially (although I was young so also a bit of an adventure).

Absolutely agree. However, we just can’t afford to live here once we’re out of our current place. There’s no way so it is inevitable we will have to move, albeit sooner than we envisaged. We knew this when we had DD and DP accepted we would have to move if we lost our rental. Incidentally it is too small for us anyway but we could have made it work for a bit longer. I would like to think that not having an appropriate (or any) home for his family would impact his happiness more than having to travel a couple of hours to see his other family and friends. It would for me if the positions were reversed.

My family and friends who DP knows and likes live in an area we could afford which is why it is on the table. We’d actually have more childcare support living there anyway - DPs family here are not able to help as my family can. That is not a reason we would move though, just an added benefit.

If we could stay I would.

So what is your DP's solution to the problem if he wants to stay in the area? Where does he think you should all live?

No solution, burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all resolve itself currently.

I completely understand your circumstances.
Unfortunately I think you need DH to get to the realisation himself.

Phone your family and plan for you and DD maybe having to temporarily move in with someone.

Your rental will come to an end. Leave it to DH to find somewhere suitable that you can afford in his hometown when that happens. If he can find this unicorn, great, if he can’t then you go and stay with your family and look to move there with or without him.

It shouldn’t be on you to find a solution alone. The fact is, he doesn’t have a solution, just negativity at your solution. So let him decide on a better solution but have a plan in place to make sure you and DD have a roof over your heads.

I guess you may be moving without your DP. It's not nice for him to have to relocate but at the moment I can't see a solution that works for everyone.