Trapped, how do I get out?

[LiveLoveLifeForever]

Unhappy, sexless, loveless marriage, 50’s, youngest child 16 autistic with unsure future re independence. Financially no debt but no real savings, my salary would just about pay the bills and mortgage with minimum amount left for food each month. No family or friends for support or a place to go if I left. How do I get out of this?

The only answer is really you have to just do it. Get ducks in a row as much as you can, discuss with him to see if you can come to an agreement on good terms, consult a solicitor, and then take the steps to get out.

One thing to consider re. finances, remember your mortgage would be considerably more than it is now as a joint mortgage as you would have to buy him out.

Take your half of the equity of the house and find a smaller place?

Unfortunately neither of these are options, wouldn’t be able to afford to buy him out and can’t downsize either, house already small and nothing cheaper to buy where we live. I don’t have a car so moving elsewhere not really an option but we live in a relatively cheap area anyway.

One of those has to be your reality unfortunately OP. If you separate and you want to keep the house then he is entitled to his share of the equity so that he can house himself, so you would need to release that for him and get a mortgage in your own name.

If that isn’t doable then you’d have to sell the house, each take your share of the equity and then buy/rent somewhere you can afford.

Those really are your only options unless there are savings somewhere, huge difference in penions somewhere that you could potentially try to trade off, but ultimately you both own that house, you both are entitled to the equity, and you would need your own mortgage.

Have you checked to see if you’d be entitled to any benefits or top ups on your salary alone?

What about if you were renting somewhere, would you be entitled to any help towards rent?

With a dependent 16 year old child you may have more options - you need to see a solicitor for advice

It was my worry over the money side of things that kept me in a bad marriage years longer that I should have done. Eventually I moved back in with my mum. It was only after my mum died that I had the financial flexibility to "go it alone". I sympathise with your situation.

I know, which is why I’m trapped. He earns far more than me and would afford to buy me out and live here comfortably. I could rent but it would be more than our current mortgage so would eat in to settlement I got. Don’t think I’d be able to get a mortgage myself at my age to buy. I’ve recently took my 25% tax free from my pension to pay off our debts and pay for the first holiday in years so my pension has taken a hit. Currently I’m probably not going to be able to retire until mid 60’s. His pensions are far better than mine too.

Don’t think so, salary is £33k, currently get DVLA but will be moving to PIP soon if they qualify.

It’s hard isn’t it. My mum is in her 80’s not an option to go there. She’d have me in a heartbeat but just not what she needs at this point in her life.

In that case then you need to see a solicitor, get the finances all open on the table. There may well be a deal to be done whereby he will allow you to keep the equity in the house in exchange for you not touching his pension for example.

It’s all a negotiation, it doesn’t have to be house split, pensions split, savings split etc, it’s about coming to an agreement that is fair for everyone and works for everyone as much as possible. So depending on the figures involved there are potentially options for negotiating a settlement that you are both happy with that doesn’t involve splitting the house. You would still need your own mortgage on the current house so that he is no longer on there but if he was willing to leave his equity in exchange for something else then it wouldn’t impact the amount.

Don’t ever damage your pension again to pay for joint debts or holidays. Save as much as you can privately.

One thing to realize is that you are not the only person who has agency here. If it is a sexless marriage he may leave you and force a sale at any time. So start thinking about how you can strengthen your position going forward.

Dear OP, What you and so many people don't realise is that marriage is essentially a property contract whereby everything is shared. His larger pension would likely be worth way more than the house and is one of the bargaining tools. This is why you need legal and financial advice, especially as your son is likely to remain dependent beyond 16 or 18. That legal advice is too important to skimp on. And can be paid for in staged payments to the solicitor quite often.

I’d advise you to go and see a lawyer to get an idea of how much you’ll get.
If he has a pension that is worth much more than yours, it will be reflected in your part of the house iyswim.
I mean just atm dh pension is worth about 3/4 of house for example. (Cheap area in the country too!)

Also I’d have a look mortgage wise (maybe see a financial advisor) what could be possible if let’s say you own 75% of the house and only need a small mortgage. Your current mortgage provider might be happy to keep the mortgage going with just you too.
I think you need to ask. You won’t know for sure if you dint.

He won’t leave. He’s old before his time, happy to sit in front of the TV with a can. Keeps telling me stress kills woman my age, think he’s waiting for it.

Then even more reason to kick him out!!

The thing about savings, though, that ince recently worked out, is that you can save as much as you want to privately but the other person is entitled to half of that. So it doesn't even make much difference.

Add up house equity, savings, AND pensions. He might be willing to give you more of the house equity in exchange for leaving his pension intact. This is what me and stbx are doing which is enabling me to leave the marriage.

Also go onto a benefits checker to find out if you are entitled to any extra help.

You are not trapped. You just haven't found a way out yet

Doesn’t work that way, and my comment was tongue in cheek, although he does say it. Think the thought of being left responsible for the youngest alone means he doesn’t mean it!

You say moving in with your mum isn't an option but if she'd have you, do think about it. It might be exactiy what she needs company and some day to day help.

Nobody can help you.
You have to help yourself - take action (any of the actions already mentioned), or just stay as you are.
Things won't change unless you change them.
The alternative is to carry on living with a man who is waiting for you to die.

You can save money and hide it. Both men and women routinely do that when they are planning to make a break. In fact you would be wise to do so if you aren’t ?going to divorce. Wherever you can extract or save money convert it into something portable or cash like and save it for a rainy day. You can be sure he will—if he hasn’t already—.

You can't, you have to declare all bank accounts

Stupid advice because all of this becomes clear during financial disclosure.

I disagree there.
How many times women have been told to have some savings aside to be able to get away?
Yes the OP would have to declare it at the time of the financial disclosure.

But in the mean time, it would allow her to leave, have money to live on for the first few months (eg when setting up UC - take 5 weeks to start getting the money).

Having it in cash means her dh doesn’t have to know about it either
(eg if they have a joint account only)

Whether it’s applicable to the OP or not, I dint know.
But it certainly isn’t a stupid idea to have access to some savings when you are planning to leave a relationship.

Its not different than someone having their own savings at their name only anyway.
Would you say it’s stupid too?