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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trapped, how do I get out?

28 replies

LiveLoveLifeForever · 26/10/2024 14:05

Unhappy, sexless, loveless marriage, 50’s, youngest child 16 autistic with unsure future re independence. Financially no debt but no real savings, my salary would just about pay the bills and mortgage with minimum amount left for food each month. No family or friends for support or a place to go if I left. How do I get out of this?

OP posts:

MakingPlans2025 · 27/10/2024 08:42

ComingBackHome · 27/10/2024 08:04

I disagree there.
How many times women have been told to have some savings aside to be able to get away?
Yes the OP would have to declare it at the time of the financial disclosure.

But in the mean time, it would allow her to leave, have money to live on for the first few months (eg when setting up UC - take 5 weeks to start getting the money).

Having it in cash means her dh doesn’t have to know about it either
(eg if they have a joint account only)

Whether it’s applicable to the OP or not, I dint know.
But it certainly isn’t a stupid idea to have access to some savings when you are planning to leave a relationship.

Its not different than someone having their own savings at their name only anyway.
Would you say it’s stupid too?

Edited

This is interesting. Hi jacking sightly for my own purposes but at what point do you have to dj financial disclosure, after filing for divorce?

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2024 09:08

ComingBackHome · 27/10/2024 08:04

I disagree there.
How many times women have been told to have some savings aside to be able to get away?
Yes the OP would have to declare it at the time of the financial disclosure.

But in the mean time, it would allow her to leave, have money to live on for the first few months (eg when setting up UC - take 5 weeks to start getting the money).

Having it in cash means her dh doesn’t have to know about it either
(eg if they have a joint account only)

Whether it’s applicable to the OP or not, I dint know.
But it certainly isn’t a stupid idea to have access to some savings when you are planning to leave a relationship.

Its not different than someone having their own savings at their name only anyway.
Would you say it’s stupid too?

Edited

It’s not stupid to save and have access to savings, what is stupid and is what that poster was specifically advising - to take money and hide it. You can’t hide it, as it will all be revealed in disclosure anyway.

ComingBackHome · 27/10/2024 09:45

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2024 09:08

Show quote history

Come on, You can hide it from your partner until you’ve left!
Thats the whole point. To have a buffer until you’re settled again.

What do you think women who are in abusive situations do (which I know the OP doesn’t seem to be in)?

Having something on the side can make the whole difference between leaving and staying. Between leaving and settling relatively quickly and struggling for months/years.

It’s not different than having a saving account your partner doesn’t have access to and not telling how much there is on it.

Which btw seems to be the case in a lot of relationship on here. Usually men who hog all the money.

Once you are doing financial disclosing, how much savings you HAD when you left or have will matter much less….
and @pikkumyy77 was clearly talking about hiding money from your DP TO LEAVE. Not at the time of financial disclosure. Which you seem to think she was? (Otherwise it makes no sense at all)

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