How would you feel?

[DrMartensDrMartensDrMartensBoots]

I'm autistic so I can sometimes be very black and white about things. I won't necessarily change position on this but it would be helpful to see if other people would see it differently and why.

Two weeks ago, I suggested an outing to my partner. Said outing is tomorrow.

It was originally going to be just me and him but I suggested we also invited our adult children along if they wanted to come.

They said yes so that was the plan. No one else, just us and the adult kids. Just for a bit of fun for a couple of hours. He agreed. I asked him to make it clear in the invitation and he said he would. He didn't. It was unclear and left room for interpretation. He disagreed and wasn't comfortable with being more explicit in case it upset someone.

One of his children has messaged today to say they are bringing someone else. Not even because they have been invited by the family member but because they've said it sounds fun so they'll come too.

I don't want this person to come because it will change the dynamic and the event is no longer what it was supposed to be. And it wasn't what I wanted. He doesn't want this person to come either.

I don't expect him to say this person can't come now because I agree it will be awkward and make things uncomfortable.

So I have said I won't go.

He is now angry with me for spoiling it.

He is cross with himself for not being clear.

He is cross with this person for inviting themselves along.

But mostly cross with me for not being happy with the change.

He said he doesn't feel comfortable excluding people (he doesn't want this person there any more than I do). I said he should have been clear with me about that from the start and I wouldn't have arranged it in the first place.

I was really clear about this and whether other people would agree with that or not isn't the point. If he disagreed with not including anyone else, he should have said so.

He said he can't say anything now in case it causes a rift. I agree.

He doesn't want to upset this person who he doesn't even want there but I'm expected to just put up with it even though it is no longer what I originally wanted. And made it quite clear.

He said I'm just being bloody minded because I'm not getting my own way. I said I'm cross with him for not making it clear in the first place and allowing this situation to arise. And let me restate. He's not happy about it and doesn't want this person there either.

The best solution I can see is that I don't go and it just happens without me. He said he wants me there. I said I won't enjoy it because it isn't what I planned specifically so that it was something I'd feel comfortable with.

He's now really pissed off with me for not being accommodating of a change that neither of us want and wasn't even instigated by a family member but by someone else who has shoehorned their way in.

The whole thing feels tainted now.

If I go, we will both know I don't want to he there.

If I don't go, I'll be conspicuous by my absence and he'll still be pissed off.

This isn’t the first time that we've had cross words over him just not being able to state a boundary/parameters and has relied on other people just doing the 'right thing'.

It causes problems every time.

Just go. It's bonkers to spoil the day.

Geez Louise, go p, don't go, is it with the fuss

I think it would be helpful if you could be flexible about this. Text didn't specify family only, so this person's coming, you'll all know this for next time. It sounds like a group larger than 4 so it's not like you'll be stuck having to do a lot with them.

FWIW, I can also be a little concrete. Whenever my partner offers something that wasn't in my plan I instinctively say no, decline. I've learned over time that I might change my mind. He's learned over time that I'll say no, and then a few minutes later change my mind!

The thing that leaps out at me is that you've had this problem before, with him not stating things clearly that are important to you, but this time too, you had him do the stating. Why? In future, when you arrange things where details are important to you, I suggest you write and send the invitations. Then you can be as clear as you like (and you can, if you choose, soften by saying "sorry if this sounds dictatorial but I want to be clear because it's important to me" or whatever, which is difficult for him to do on your behalf).

Will this person coming spoil the activity? Can't you still enjoy it, if it is something you really want to do?

Im just annoyed that I asked him to be clear in the invitation, he said he would be and then he wasn't.

I'm only having to deal with this change that neither of us want because he allowed it to happen.

He's never clear on boundaries. It's just luck of the draw whether they're overstepped or not and then he always says he's not happy either but what can he do?

Be clear in the first place!

I'm just really pissed off this time because I was really clear that I wouldn't be going if he allowed this situation to arise again and he did. I hate it.

It will spoil the dynamic. This person seeks to dominate and can be unpleasant.

What's the outing/occasion? It doesn't sound like it was especially formal or intimate so if it's just going to a gig or a walk or a gallery, it's no big deal at all that other people might tag along if invited. And if it's casual then yes I can see why he didn't want to stipulate "absolutely no one else allowed" in his invite.

Why don't you want this other person there? I don't think "it changes the dynamic" is a good enough reason for refusing to go but if there's a drip feed coming about how they're awful or racist or whatever, that's a different matter.

Because I don't have his kids contact details and the invitation was made by message.

I told him I wanted it to be really clear that it was 'just' them and he agreed.

It's not really a big deal but I feel like once again what I've explicitly said I need has been disregarded because he lacks the ability to be clear and doesn't want to risk 'upsetting' someone else.

How strange. You asked him to send a clear invitation to your adult children? Why didn't you do it?

No major drip feed but they have a habit of inviting themselves along to things so I asked him this time to make it really clear.

I just find them to be unpleasant. I don't like them.

If he arranges something he can invite/allow who he likes and I can choose whether to go or not but I was clear about this.

It's.more that I was looking forward to it and now I don't feel like that.

It's an impossible situation for me now.

If I don't go, I'm the problem. If I go, I'm not going to enjoy it and he will know i'm there under duress.

And I will know that he disregarded me.

So not really all that fun after all.

@DrMartensDrMartensDrMartensBoots boundaries are so important, understandably.

One of his children has messaged today to say they are bringing someone else

Your DH needs to message and explain to his child that bringing someone else is sadly not acceptable on this occasion and he, of all people, should understand your position on this

He really shouldn't throw you under the bus like this.

eta; just seen your update. Don't go. It's on him

As I've already said, I don't have his kids contact details and we issued it by text. I invited mine and he invited his. Pretty normal unless it's my responsibility to communicate wirh his kids on his behalf for some reason?

No, I think not normal. If one person is organising something, normal for them to do the inviting. Especially if they care about how it's done!

I don't feel comfortable woth him doing that either because I'm now the bad guy.

The only.person who.is.in a shit positoon now.is me. Although he tried telling me I'd made it really difficult for him. I told him that it wouldn't have been an issue if he'd been explicit in the first place.

But you've already invited your adult kids and they've accepted. It's going to be awkward for them if you don't go. I'd just suck it up. Next time you plan something just go with your DP the two of you and don't invite other people. Otherwise, create a message stating boundaries and send it to your DP and ask him to use it as a template for his text.

Also, who is this other person? One of his children's partners? Or a friend who's close enough that they've done this before (ie not a total random, but someone who might reasonably expect that they'd be welcome)? Because "being clear" essentially means specifying that a particular person is not invited... and yes, that might get people's backs up. The thing with boundaries is that if you enforce too many too strictly you'll push people away completely.

Anyway I have a friend of the sort you describe so I know what you mean. If she gets the slightest whiff of a social event she'll invite herself along, then likes to dominate conversation accordingly. When she's not in domineering mode I do like her company, and to be honest I know it's because she's really quite lonely and sad. But the thing is there are ways to manage this without the nuclear option of Refusing To Go. You're a group of five, so peel off with one of the three whose company you like and talk to them more quietly. If there's any common ground at all with this person, find it. Consider that they may be an important person to one of your partner's children and that's why they're there. And if all else fails - it's just a couple of hours! You can get through it for the sake of the three other people you like.

One of his children has messaged today to say they are bringing someone else

“Sorry kiddo, it’s not an open invitation this time, we want to spend time just the 4 of us. You’ll have to explain to them, I’m sure they’ll understand”.

If this is an ongoing problem then you're not unreasonable to not go Op, especially if it's someone who will spoil the day for you. If he finds it difficult to say no to this person then you're going to get stuck with them over and over. Trouble is if they're part of his family saying no is very hard for him, especially if it's his parent or sibling.
Maybe you should just go out the two of you in future

I think it would be petulant if you don't go. I personally couldn't get excited about this - I al very laidback though. It doesn't sound like a formal event - like a meal - so surely one person wouldn't affect you too much? Just don't really interact with them

He should have the balls to phone back to the extra person, apologise and say the plan was for a treat family day ie you two and the grown up DC only so they're not welcome to come on this occasion.

Or cancel it altogether.

I think this is perfect, he needs to send it ASAP. It’s him that was unclear even after you said it was important for him to clarify, it’s him that should resolve it.

I’m ND and have been in so many similar situations, I hate that I’m always the bad guy for not just “going along with it” I completely get your frustration OP and I get why this would piss you off.

I really think that message is the best answer, I also think the family and your partner should be happy to factor in your ND ways as much as you’re happy to factor in their NT ways

Exactly that tone.

And would it be easier to have a joint WhatsApp group for you all to stop things like this happening again?

Ok, in this instance and only because your children are going. I'd go too.

Going forward though, HE needs to put your comfort first.

“He's never clear on boundaries. It's just luck of the draw…”

but you still asked him to make the invitations? 🤔

in future, send out your own invitations to events you feel strongly about and then there won’t be any ambiguity 🤷🏼‍♀️

for what it’s worth I would swallow hard and go and make it the best possible day you can for everyone else’s sake

ps I’m also autistic