How would you feel?

[DrMartensDrMartensDrMartensBoots]

I'm autistic so I can sometimes be very black and white about things. I won't necessarily change position on this but it would be helpful to see if other people would see it differently and why.

Two weeks ago, I suggested an outing to my partner. Said outing is tomorrow.

It was originally going to be just me and him but I suggested we also invited our adult children along if they wanted to come.

They said yes so that was the plan. No one else, just us and the adult kids. Just for a bit of fun for a couple of hours. He agreed. I asked him to make it clear in the invitation and he said he would. He didn't. It was unclear and left room for interpretation. He disagreed and wasn't comfortable with being more explicit in case it upset someone.

One of his children has messaged today to say they are bringing someone else. Not even because they have been invited by the family member but because they've said it sounds fun so they'll come too.

I don't want this person to come because it will change the dynamic and the event is no longer what it was supposed to be. And it wasn't what I wanted. He doesn't want this person to come either.

I don't expect him to say this person can't come now because I agree it will be awkward and make things uncomfortable.

So I have said I won't go.

He is now angry with me for spoiling it.

He is cross with himself for not being clear.

He is cross with this person for inviting themselves along.

But mostly cross with me for not being happy with the change.

He said he doesn't feel comfortable excluding people (he doesn't want this person there any more than I do). I said he should have been clear with me about that from the start and I wouldn't have arranged it in the first place.

I was really clear about this and whether other people would agree with that or not isn't the point. If he disagreed with not including anyone else, he should have said so.

He said he can't say anything now in case it causes a rift. I agree.

He doesn't want to upset this person who he doesn't even want there but I'm expected to just put up with it even though it is no longer what I originally wanted. And made it quite clear.

He said I'm just being bloody minded because I'm not getting my own way. I said I'm cross with him for not making it clear in the first place and allowing this situation to arise. And let me restate. He's not happy about it and doesn't want this person there either.

The best solution I can see is that I don't go and it just happens without me. He said he wants me there. I said I won't enjoy it because it isn't what I planned specifically so that it was something I'd feel comfortable with.

He's now really pissed off with me for not being accommodating of a change that neither of us want and wasn't even instigated by a family member but by someone else who has shoehorned their way in.

The whole thing feels tainted now.

If I go, we will both know I don't want to he there.

If I don't go, I'll be conspicuous by my absence and he'll still be pissed off.

This isn’t the first time that we've had cross words over him just not being able to state a boundary/parameters and has relied on other people just doing the 'right thing'.

It causes problems every time.

I misread it , I thought you meant your adult children.

That will go down well with the adult child whose partner/friend this is, I'm sure, with no lasting damage to the relationship between them and their dad.

I’m with you @DrMartensDrMartensDrMartensBoots
You were very clear and your DP didn’t respect your boundaries.

He is also making it as if this was somehow YOUR issue/you creating problems….

I do have a question about the extra person coming.
Is it a friend of his dcs, a flat mate, a bf/gf?
I think if that person is one if his dcs partner, then it can be much more awkward to say ‘you but not bf/gf’ iyswim.

Having said all that, I think you should go because your own dcs will be there and it’s not really fayr on them for you not to turn up.
But yes your DP will know you’re there under duress. And I actually don’t think it’s a bad thing.

He's right, you're being bloody minded. So now you have to choose between digging your heals in an ruining it for everyone, and sucking it up and carrying on like a grown up.

I have to say I agree with this.

Especially as it doesn’t seem like this is a formal thing, if the “extra person” is one of his kids partners or best friends then personally I’d think it really odd if my dad was purposefully excluding them for what seems like no reason at all.

For me there are 4 adults having a day out, surely they are equally allowed to have a say in the day? If I organise a day out, I don't expect that because I've organised it everyone has to come on my terms. If one of your adult children wants to bring a +1 where is the harm if it's not a day where numbers are restricted by seats in a car/tickets? You don't all have to be together all the time, perhaps you and hubby could have a wander by yourselves as part of the day, to give you a break from the person you're not keen on?

I say this with love as someone who is a natural control freak, as I recognise that sometimes my vision for a day can inadvertently impact someone else's enjoyment, which is the last thing I ever want.

Cancel it. So sorry, you both have norovirus.

Rearrange it for another day. Do not tell annoying self inviting person.

It really isn't normal to issue formal invitations for a day trip lasting a couple of hours. This isn't a wedding, funeral or special anniversary. If I was your DH I would feel very embarrassed (and controlled) at being told to write such rigid and formal arrangements to my kids for something so informal. However, I'm assuming the unwanted guest is perhaps the children's mother? If that's the case I can understand you being pissed off.

I would just message back and say, “sorry this is a family only event this time. Dad made a mistake by not making that clear. So x can’t come this time.”

So what if they don’t like it. You don’t like the person, you don’t want them there, neither does your husband. Just tell them no.

Either that or cancel it and tell your children you’ll meet up with them to do something else instead.