Why do I hate my DH all of a sudden?

[Anonimouse12345]

I have 3 very young children, 5,3 and 2. Is this it? is it normal for every little thing to annoy you to the point you are constantly arguing?

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time. So fed up and constantly nagging and starting arguments. I feel like I do everything…but then again I work part time (in a job I like so no issues there really)

DH does pull his weight, he works 60 hours a week and helps with bedtimes and also around the house on weekends. He is a very good dad, probably a better parent than me. Yet here I am, so resentful and mad that my life is so monotonous and stressful and boring. The DC are so draining I am struggling all the time with the mess and noise and how consuming it all is.

I am constantly run ragged (as is he I suppose) and it’s resulted in constant arguing between us. I don’t think we have really spoken properly for months because I have nothing much to say to him other than about the kids. Everything we talk about ends in us arguing about it or digging at everything eachother says.

How do we get out of this rut? Or is this marriage done? I’ve got no real childcare and my DC won’t get to bed without a marathon argument so by the time that’s done we both sit separately on iPads or phones then go to bed.

Im not sure whether this is salvageable or not. Has anyone else been here? Will it get better once my kids are older?

Could it be exhaustion? Even working part time it's hard work. I have 1 DC and am in awe of how people manage lots of children, especially when they are younger. You might want to talk to GP. Get bloods checked for fatigue. Sometimes there is help available.

It sounds like you need a break. Can someone help out and allow you and DH to have some date time, specify date and time to do something in advance and stick to it. Myself and DH ended up in a rut so set aside Friday night as time to do something, even as basic as a game of UNO or watch an episode of would I lie to you and guess the answer. We did talk first though about how we were both feeling and why. I find is useful to bulletpoint how I feel and the impact this has. I'll say why I feel like that but not apportion blame unless it's like when you said x I felt y because... Communication definitely helps.

Life is a drag with small children. Plan something fun to do together. Don't say you haven't got time, it's important. You (both) have to nurture a marriage like it's an extra child in the relationship I think.

Exhausted from 3 young kids and working full time?
Lack of time for yourself?
Hormones? Peri menopuase?

Make Saturday nights a glass of wine and screen free time together.

The book how not to hate your husband after kids has lots of good advice.

You sound exhausted. Are you and DH working as a team to set boundaries with the kids? You mention bedtime being a bit of a nightmare - sounds like life is more stressful than it should be.

See if there’s anything you can change to help encourage your children to follow instructions the first time (I don’t know what rewards you use but something where they get a reward of some kind could help motivate them to go upstairs without all the fuss and arguing). You shouldn’t be tearing your hair out and they should respect you enough not to constantly challenge you. This will be difficult to change though! But can be done. You just need to be consistent and offer them something positive for showing good behaviour.

Re your DH - book a babysitter and have a date night. Sounds like you need to spend some quality time together and reconnect away from your kids.

I think this is part of the problem. I’m so tired half the time I go to bed with the kids at 8-9. If I stay up I am angry because I’ve missed sleep. How do I make myself need to sleep less? My youngest still wakes most nights.

When we do spend time together it’s so hard because we have nothing in common anymore except the kids, like two separate people living in the same house not a family. We don’t have the same interests anymore at all. I see him for an hour a night 3 times a week and during weekends inbetween all the running around and that’s it, he’s gone from my best friend to a stranger.

It’s like being alone or being asleep is more important than a marriage. Does this mean I need to be alone or is there just something wrong with me?

Why does he work 60 hours per week?

Because his jobs shit and we desperately need it to pay the bills. He dosent want to but equally can’t afford to step down into a lower paid role.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you. Relationships aren't always easy sailing.
What were your common interests? Why did you loose interest in them? I refound my enjoyment of interests I'd lost which helped give us something to discuss e.g. rule changes and why. Sounds boring but helped reopen the channels of communication. I also went back to some individual pursuits so I have something that is my break from him. It works both ways. We just ensure there isn't an imbalance of time/commitments the best we cam over the course of the year.
I found exercise very helpful. My DH was supportive of that time being non-negotiatable though.

3 very young children is probably the main reason. Although worth it.
I think when kids are so you you both lose yourselves. Just trying to get everything done and function takes over.
And the lack of sleep is a big factor .
We had no childcare and I think it was the hardest part of our relationship. I felt angry towards my dh or resentful. Even though looking back he was great and did everything he could and was also struggling.
Now we are back to having things in common/laughing lots . Enjoying each other's company.
And mostly embarrassing our teenage kids. Which we seem to do with little effort.

You don't hate your husband, it's the extreme sacrifice with the three children you chose to put yourself through.

I don’t think we ever really shared hobbies. I had mine and he had his and we would come together to do bits as a team, renovating the house, watching films, sitting in the pub and having something nice to eat. Neither of us have a hobby now, I walk the dog that’s my bit of sanity but my hobby is too time consuming to do with kids and DH can’t play the odd video game without the kids ruining it so he just doesn’t bother. Might get to cut the grass if he’s lucky 😬 I don’t know who he is any more really. He hasn’t a clue what happens in my life (nothing im the most boring human ever, don’t go out. No friends really) and I don’t really know about his life. He never goes out either and also has no friends. I am constantly nagging him to do things and he gets fed up because he says I a)won’t let him relax and b) am asking him because I don’t want to do it myself which is true. I don’t. I’m sick of bloody doing it!

I can’t even watch a programme now without being unable to hear it or if I wait until bed which also involves putting children back to bed constantly. It’s easier just to give up, take myself to bed and stay there!

@Starlight7080 i hope in years to come I can say that’s me.

This is true. Although the last one was a contraception failure (thanks coil) I found out too late to do much other than accept my fate.

Why do women bitch about having kids, with such a small gap in ages between them and then endlessly moan about it. You've got to factor that in when family planning. It's moronic, what did you think it would be like to having 3 kids under 5??? FFS,.own it.

It's not unusual with 3 Dc that age and both of you working.
There isn't a way you can need less sleep, but you can make sure you have enough vitamins, get iron levels checked etc.
Be firmer about thing like bedtime routines.. I had a friend with 3 DC under 3 at one point.. she had a mother's help for a few hours a day when her DH was away working/doing very long hours, would that be a possibility? She also used to start the evening routine very early, to make sure they were all in bed by 7 - so eating before 5, then clearing up while DC were still up, bath, stories etc. The DC get used to routine, they need the consistency. There shouldn't be argument from them re bedtime, they have to know it is going to happen whatever they say or do. Are you leaving yourself enough time to get it all done? With 3, you're not going to be able to do it all calmly in hour.
I'd suggest that they all get into bed at the same time, then DC 3 & 2 get a story together, DC5 is in bed chilling then gets their own story after the others. If necessary get some kind of repetitive recorded story playing that they can listen to after lights out.
Children often wake up in the night and you have to decide whether it is easier for you to let them get into bed with you so you can all go back to sleep, or whether you will get up and try to settle them... I know which I would go for! We got a superking size bed to accommodate this. Or take it turns with DH to be on night duty.
As far as DH is concerned, what did you used to do together? Me and DH are swotty types and we've always enjoyed quizzes .. there are loads you can do online together, or something like chronophoto. Maybe you're into music, or yoga or.. whatever you used to do together, you could still do for an hour or so some evenings.

Sorry I have no advice other than solidarity at feeling exactly the same right now.
I too work part time in a job I enjoy and DH full time but with a toddler that doesn’t sleep well and never has the sleep deprivation and exhaustion is catching up on us both.
I genuinely believe that’s the cause of most of our problems.

This is a bit unkind. I know you crossed posts with the OP when she mentioned the coil failed to work but you don’t really know anyone’s precise circumstances. My kids were all close together as we got two at once. No choice in the matter unless we’d chosen to terminate them. It was proper hardcore full on shit when they were young.

You both need to sort bedtime. I also had 3 and bedtime shenanigans would have broken our marriage as did similar hours between us.

There are various ways to organise it - depending on parenting styles . However whichever method you choose being firm is the common denominator. Without that it will never work and you both owe it to your children to keep their family together.

If - however you think for one moment that single parenthood is the Nivana that the more male hating posters of MN seem to constantly glorify - then you are literally bonkers.

Being a SP is only better when the other parent is a selfish arse and doesn't help - or is abusive . Otherwise you need to work on your marriage and that starts with a serious conversation.

... and get your thyroid checked urgently. !

You’re exhausted.
you still have young children that wake up at night!!
And really your dh should stop ‘helping’ and start taking responsibility. Because I’m pretty sure you’ll feel much better if he is taking the initiative to do stuff rather than you having to tell him.

Btw at what time is he going to bed?
And who is getting up at night?

Sounds like you both need a break away together. Either a weekend trip or just one day. Is a sitter or childcare (family or otherwise) a possibility?

You need to talk about the issue together and discuss what you can do together, as a hobby. The fact that you seem to sit separately isn't good. I would have thought it's good for you to be sat cuddling together rather than doing separate things on ipads.

You are so tired that I think you're in danger of possibly becoming selfish & unreasonable, which will in turn affect him. Your husband must be so tired too. 60 hrs is a lot. Not sure if he works form home or not, but it's a lot even if he did. It's important that he has a little time too to recharge, like you, and that he isn't assigned tasks or homework every time you see him relaxing.

I think it would be wise for you to get some kind of health MOT, and make sure nothing else is depleting you. Someone I know found out her body cannot produce or use vitamin B12 properly, and it was making her exhausted. She has a to have injections every few months to keep on top of it.

I was you op. Down to every last detail. My marriage really suffered despite him being a great dad and hands on and we didn’t speak properly for probably a year or so. I considered divorce many times. It came to head for various reasons and we had a massive make or break row. We didn’t break. We chose to limp on for the sake of the kids.

Our kids are now adults and we are very happy and planning our retirement. I look back at that time as bizarre. A couple of people under immense pressure and the stress of bringing up three young children as well as working and everything else to keep the wheels on.

My advice would be to just keep communicating and see it as a battle you’re going through together. Don’t have high expectations of anything but plan good/easy times in. Try to find some laughter together. And remember that famous Churchill quote ‘when you’re going through hell, keep going.’ You will come out eventually and the investment will be worth it. It was for us.

I'm going to make a controversial point, please ignore me if it's not applicable to you.

Has your the tiredness and busy life with young children had a negative impact on your sex life?
In all the chatter about "men thinking with their dick" etc, it's often forgotten that sex is a bonding experience for both sexes.
If you're having sex regularly enough to maintain a strong connection with you partner (what ever sex you are) then it's much easier to put up with their annoying habits.

Sorry if this isn't true for you, but it's a point that a lot of women ignore and then find their relationship has become damaged beyond repair by resentments on both sides.

On a side note magnesium capsules are good to help with sleep, also think about Vit D and possibly spatone or similar, it might help you cope with the sleep deprivation.

He also goes to bed stupidly early! I get up in the night because I don’t start work until later than him. I tend to work backshift to avoid paying for childcare.

I am also bored so want to do stuff on weekends when he wants to relax which causes arguments. I’m a cross between painfully bored and painfully tired!

He works out of home with a 30min commute, as do I.

I will book another GP appointment definatley

@ConstanceM you sound angrier than me. But weird to be so angry about a how a stranger on the internet feels actually…

You’re right, sex is non existent. This is my doing not his.