Why do I hate my DH all of a sudden?

[Anonimouse12345]

I have 3 very young children, 5,3 and 2. Is this it? is it normal for every little thing to annoy you to the point you are constantly arguing?

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time. So fed up and constantly nagging and starting arguments. I feel like I do everything…but then again I work part time (in a job I like so no issues there really)

DH does pull his weight, he works 60 hours a week and helps with bedtimes and also around the house on weekends. He is a very good dad, probably a better parent than me. Yet here I am, so resentful and mad that my life is so monotonous and stressful and boring. The DC are so draining I am struggling all the time with the mess and noise and how consuming it all is.

I am constantly run ragged (as is he I suppose) and it’s resulted in constant arguing between us. I don’t think we have really spoken properly for months because I have nothing much to say to him other than about the kids. Everything we talk about ends in us arguing about it or digging at everything eachother says.

How do we get out of this rut? Or is this marriage done? I’ve got no real childcare and my DC won’t get to bed without a marathon argument so by the time that’s done we both sit separately on iPads or phones then go to bed.

Im not sure whether this is salvageable or not. Has anyone else been here? Will it get better once my kids are older?

Yes we got two close together as the first took years to come along and we never expected the second to take immediately! Who could blame us? We thought we'd be trying for years with ivf not conceive naturally after one shag!!!! For what it's worth I hate my husband too! He's a great Dad and and equal partner. We're just over run by two small children. It's getting easier fast. My youngest starts school next September. I'm assuming we'll be in a better place by then and can spend some time rebuilding our relationship.

Hang in there OP. The day will come when they make their own snacks and bedtime is a quick hug, suddenly all this free time opens up. You are at the most gruelling stage of your life. It's not the time to analyse.

Maybe schedule a chat, Fri night 8pm we sit down and no TV or phones. Just tell him how you feel and I suspect he feels the same. It sounds like you just don't have the capacity to be loving right now but if you both acknowledge this is a good start. Then plan a date night. Ideally once a month or whatever you can afford. Or a Saturday morning coffee if you can get a sitter, just time to see each other again as people not parents. Dh and I sometimes went to the cinema alone on consecutive days and then sat down and had a chat about the movie, sounds daft I know but if felt like we had been on a date together at a time when that wasn't possible.

It might be no harm to get bloods done too. Going to bed at 8pm doesn't seem right even if you are woken during the night. I can imagine that's frustrating for DH too.

@Screamingabdabz
Very similar set up when ours were that age. It’s been lovely for decades now. Be nice to each other, remember love is a verb…

@ConstanceM on the basis of your logic, no one is allowed struggle with anything ever, except medical conditions. MN might as well shut down right now. Lucky for you to breeze through life so easily with zero downsides to your life choices.

Is there anything your DH could do that would help you feel less resentful?

Is your contraception sorted?

I think you need to tell your DH how awful you are feeling and you really need XYZ to change - getting out at the weekends. Ask him what would he like to change? Ask him what you can do together either as a couple or a family as you currently have nothing to bring you closer.

If he wants sex then perhaps he needs to get a vasectomy?

It's very difficult to want sex when you are resentful or you are terrified of another unplanned pregnancy.

It does sound that things could improve as the DC get older.

He’s point blank refused a vasectomy as it’s pointless as we never have sex. I don’t want sex as I don’t want to get pregnant. I’ve got pregnant twice unexpectedly, once on the coil (3rd baby) and the second was conceived by having sex days before my period was due and with him pulling out. Still managed to get pregnant. I 1000% dont want any more children!

If I want to go out on weekends he will come, but I can tell he doesn’t want to. He’s just there to keep the peace. It makes me sad he’s not no motivation to do anything. He never plans anything, never has ideas, never makes the picnic, never organises. Just comes along as the designated driver.

I would put the lack of sex back on him.

"We aren't ever going to have sex if you don't sort out contraception I've done my bit. Would you seriously risk having more DC with someone else with how we are struggling?"

It does sound like your relationship is dead. Perhaps you start carving out time for yourself at the weekend and leave the DC with him.

TBF if you don't want anymore DC then you could ask for a referral for sterilisation, he will need to look after you all for a week but at least then you know whatever your future holds you shouldn't get pregnant again.

DH & I were super fertile and it is problematic.

How easy is this to get? I’m 33. My dr said I would be classed as too young but I would love them to take any possibility away!

Well if start your campaign now?? Ask GP what contraceptive options you have can try seeing as though the coil and pill didn't work? That the 3rd DC is making you feel suicidal and is the death of your marriage etc etc.

I had to have womb ablation due to horrendous periods so they clipped my tubes at the same time.

Take your H to the GP appointment with you, see if the GP mentions the snip.

We found it SOOO difficult when our kids were little. The most important thing if you can is to have time yourselves, meals out, a night away. It's so hard to forget why you even got together if you are stuck in a daily rut. Relationships take work and prioritising each others needs and remembering what you enjoyed about each other before you were just mum and dad. You also need some time out alone with friends or doing a hobby. If you don't have sex, you're basically co parents, I found that I feel more bonded to dh when we have sex.

This x100 and I would defo recommend a thyroid check - it can make you very irritable and out of sorts and mine was completely shattered after my 3rd.

He won't have a vasectomy as you don't have sex. But he knows you don't want to have sex as you're terrified of getting pregnant. That's ridiculous of him. This sounds like more of the same with him not planning anything, not wanting to get involved, not helping with any solutions.

What a really spiteful and nasty thing to say. Did you read the bit where she says the last one was a contraception failure and nothing she could do?

The OP is clearly at the end of her tether, you must be such a horrible person if that's the only thing you can think of to comment.

This is a phase in your life that will soon be over. Hold onto that thought.

Don't separate. Stay with your husband. When your youngest is 7 or 8 years old, you can reconsider, but for now it is easier to stay together.

Make sure he doesn't leave you - which mostly boils down to sex. You have to make the effort. Even if you don't feel like it beforehand, you may find yourself responding and getting into it.

Get a regular babysitter. It may seem expensive, but you have to prioritise keeping the relationship alive.
Ask him about work - who works there? what is he working on? What is his boss like? Tell him about your work and what the DC have been doing. Mentally save up little anecdotes and stories to tell him.

Get bedtimes sorted - discuss with DH and work as a team. The goal is to get them into bed at a reasonable time and for them to stay there all night.

Are you paying a mortgage? If so, and that is why he is working 60 hours, then recognise this will be worth it in the long run. That equity is your future.

If you are renting, he should seriously drop his hours (get another job) and you claim whatever benefits you are entitled to.

Take care of your health - GP check up and blood tests, don't eat crap.

Sorry, just seen your update about contraception / vasectomy.
Don't have sex.
If he doesn't change his mind and sort himself out this could be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship.

Which still leaves the question of when to dump him. I still think you would be better waiting until the children are older, as being a single parent while they are young will be very, very tough.
Wait to see if he has an affair, or leaves you, or you dump him - whichever comes first.

@ConstanceM Nice. Very supportive, that's going to make her feel SO much better.

Some questionable advice here. Make sure he doesn’t leave you… which mainly boils down to sex? What rubbish. Way to shove all responsibility and pressure onto the OP.

Also - no one should force themselves to have sex with their partner in the hope they ‘may’ enjoy it! How depressing, not to mention problematic.

I've been married for 21 years, still crazy about my lovely DH, and I have been through this. We had three DC close in age (3 under 4 in my case - what was I thinking) and DC3 was a terrible sleeper. I felt similar to you (the thing you said about 2 people living separate lives) and I wasn't sure if we'd last the distance, but I'm so glad we got through it. Things started getting easier from when DC3 turned 3yo. Small children are hard work.

Hang in there OP. I hope it works out for you.

Yes it is depressing and problematic.
Men frequently leave relationships or start affairs if they are not getting enough sex. If a woman doesn't want the relationship to end, sex needs to be accepted and negotiated. She can't just stop sex for years and expect the relationship not to suffer.
Horrible as it is, that is the nature of things.
(NAMALT, obvs)

However, this is not necessarily the OP's position - see my subsequent post.

We haven’t had sex for so long I’ve no idea how to even get back into it. I enjoy it usually once it happens, but I dread it happening because I just can’t be bothered!

Sorry posted without reading full thread so have deleted my post.

Forget the vitamins! Go to bed at 8 or 9 but put an alarm on for 10 mins before his usual bedtime. Consider it like therapy or the gym oir even just to re-live a memory!