Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had an affair- is my marriage fixable?

43 replies

Mango1234 · 23/10/2024 22:31

Firstly, please don’t judge. I fu*ked up and I’m very much aware of that and mentally live with the guilt and regret every single day.
so, I had an affair for a few months. When my husband found out I moved out of our family home and am now renting a flat nearby. My husband and I have been married 8 years and together for 13years. At first, he was understandably very angry and hurt and at the start said he was divorcing me and wanted me out of his life. Now, 6months on he tells me he loves me and shows affection (although we don’t live together) he has days when he makes comments like “when you move back in you can’t be leaving your coffee spoons on the counter” (as a joke as I had made a coffee at his and left the spoon on the unit). Then the next day he’s so uninterested in me. We have 2 children who we have 50/50. He tells me he misses me and that he loves me but some days he just seems angry which I understand is a natural feeling for him. I just want to fix us, I have never done anything like this before. I am seeing a therapist, I’ve had a lot go on in my life the past few years with a lot of loss of immediate family including my dad who was my best friend.
has anyone been through a situation like this and got back with your husband?
the man I had an affair with I blocked and haven’t spoken to since. Will forever be the biggest regret of my life.
Any advice on what I can do?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 23/10/2024 22:32

I guess that's down to your husband rather than you

InfoSecInTheCity · 23/10/2024 22:35

Honestly I don't think so.

He knows now that he can never trust you again. Even if he decided to take you back, I don't believe it could ever be the same. It would constantly be there hanging over your heads.

Overtheatlantic · 23/10/2024 22:35

Nothing you can do. It will take him time to process what’s happened and then he will have a decision to make. I wouldn’t get your hopes up though as the outcome might be very different than what you hope for.

SuddenlyShoesan · 23/10/2024 22:37

Fixable like a broken china teacup that has been pieced back together, but is fragile and you’ll always be mindful of the cracks and worried it could break at any moment.

NunyaBeeswax · 23/10/2024 22:44

I could never ever ever forgive it.
By I'm not your OH.

I will say this, I've been cheated on in the past. It absolutely and completely destroyed every shred of trust that was in the relationship. I couldn't even look at them after I found out, it disgusted me.
And then I got to thinking about all the little things. Everytime they picked up their phone, every time I'd rung them and they hadn't answered, everytime they'd said they were one place but it took way way longer than it should have because of traffic, was it traffic that day? Maybe.. and all those little things creep up, and become a huge ball of resentment, suspicion and hatred.
I imagine there's days where your OH doesn't think about what happened but then hes reminded and thinks and dwells and the resentment and distrust floods back hence the "hot and cold"

WallaceinAnderland · 23/10/2024 22:46

You took a gamble. You knew you were risking your marriage and you thought it was worth the risk. Your husband knows this so on that basis I would say no, it's not fixable.

BirthdayRainbow · 23/10/2024 22:46

I'd say he has to decide. All or nothing. If you're having sex, stop. If you're cooking for him and washing his pants, stop. He needs to make a decision can he forgive and get back together and move on or not. Playing hot and cold is understandable when he's had a shock but this limbo isn't good for any of you.

wandawaves · 23/10/2024 22:48

A "fuck up" is a one night stand. An affair for a few months is you repeatedly choosing to betray your husband like he's worth nothing. So... I'm not exactly sure how you expect him to just get over it 100% of the time.

And having "a lot going on" in your life has absolutely nothing to do with you choosing to have sex with another man, so maybe don't refer to that. I'd be irate if someone ever used that as an excuse to me.

OneLoftyFish · 23/10/2024 22:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shelllendyouhertoothbrush · 23/10/2024 22:54

I'll never understand how people with kids have the energy for an affair. I barely have the energy for one relationship nevermind two plus keeping track of the lies. Good luck to you, I hope you can salvage it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2024 22:56

Sorry, I couldn’t forgive or forget. You’re asking not to be judged. I would, absolutely. And my conclusion would be divorce.

notbelieved · 23/10/2024 23:03

you must assume that he will be unable to forgive you and work on moving forwards with your own life now. Stop trying to second guess him. He has a lot fo process. For what it's worth, I tried again with my now ex husband but the marriage was dead in the water - forgiveness wasn't really the issue, forgetting was. I was constantly on edge, even if he was just a few minutes late home from work. I couldn't do it and frankly, no one deserves to live like that, and have no regrets about walking away.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2024 23:04

Look at Zara and Sam Thompson they've fixed things
Would you go to couples therapy together?

Katej82 · 23/10/2024 23:13

Mango1234 · 23/10/2024 22:31

Firstly, please don’t judge. I fu*ked up and I’m very much aware of that and mentally live with the guilt and regret every single day.
so, I had an affair for a few months. When my husband found out I moved out of our family home and am now renting a flat nearby. My husband and I have been married 8 years and together for 13years. At first, he was understandably very angry and hurt and at the start said he was divorcing me and wanted me out of his life. Now, 6months on he tells me he loves me and shows affection (although we don’t live together) he has days when he makes comments like “when you move back in you can’t be leaving your coffee spoons on the counter” (as a joke as I had made a coffee at his and left the spoon on the unit). Then the next day he’s so uninterested in me. We have 2 children who we have 50/50. He tells me he misses me and that he loves me but some days he just seems angry which I understand is a natural feeling for him. I just want to fix us, I have never done anything like this before. I am seeing a therapist, I’ve had a lot go on in my life the past few years with a lot of loss of immediate family including my dad who was my best friend.
has anyone been through a situation like this and got back with your husband?
the man I had an affair with I blocked and haven’t spoken to since. Will forever be the biggest regret of my life.
Any advice on what I can do?

You have to ask yourself some tough questions and be honest.
Do you love your husband and by that I mean are you in love with him. Are you still attracted to him or are these the reasons you had the affair.
Do you just miss the ease and comfort of your life as a family or do you really love and miss him. If you get back you can never do this again because it will damage your husband and kids irreparably. You made a big mistake your clearly very sorry you did but you have to only go back for the right reasons that's because your in love with your husband no other reason or it will never ever work or at least neither of you will be happy. Hope everything works out for you whatever you decide. Ignore the horrible comments because we're not all saints shit happens no one knows a marriage only those in it and no one knows what you have been through. I don't believe it's excusable but there are reasons for an affair you may have felt very neglected in your marriage not kept it going who knows but I'm not here to judge just hopefully give you the right ideas. My now ex husband and I are very amenable but we tried a few times I wasn't in love with him and that's the reason our marriage failed although on the whole it was good he's a good man. I'm madly in love with my husband now and despite our ups and downs I believe it's the key to a lasting marriage.

Opentooffers · 23/10/2024 23:14

Best to wait it out until his behaviour towards you stabilises and you can be sure he's not just claiming there's hope to delay having to part with assets. Which could be a reason. Then there's the possibility of giving false hope just to keep you in limbo as punishment. Impossible to know, only time will tell.

R053 · 23/10/2024 23:20

It sounds like you have done everything you can on your part. It’s up to your DH as to whether he can get past it. It sounds like he still has to work through his conflicting feelings.

Andthesky · 23/10/2024 23:21

This is up to your husband.

OneLoftyFish · 23/10/2024 23:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mango1234 · 23/10/2024 23:25

This is what I overthink about all the time. Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
northcountrylurker · 23/10/2024 23:25

The usual answer when it's the other way round is "he did it before, he'll do it again, LTB". Why does that not apply here?

Ladyluckinred · 23/10/2024 23:26

Hello my luv. Did you tell him or did he find out through seeing messages/being told by someone else? I think these are important factors and may sway him either way. Glad to hear you’re in therapy, although you may both consider couples therapy at some point. Things may be different going forward, it’s a massive adjustment. Sadly, some mistakes are too big to move forward from, although it’s not impossible. You’ve betrayed his trust and if you do reconcile, you’ve likely got a long road ahead proving your commitment to him.

I’m always sad to hear families falling apart. They are the most precious things in our life’s. I truly wish you best and hope things work out for you all.

Jl2014 · 23/10/2024 23:28

Relationships make or break everyday. If you get back together it’s important that you both understand and acknowledge the part you had to play in the relationship failing. You would definitely need marriage counselling. If you decide to get back together you need to deal with the hurt of the affair and then draw a line and move on. It’s not a trump card to be used against you for the rest of your lives.

Original poster
Mango1234 · 23/10/2024 23:28

There is a lot of savage comments and no one on here knows me as a person, a wife or a mother. I fucked up and I hold my hands up to it.
I genuinely love him and regret everything so much. I’ve been so low recently and scary thoughts have been in my head. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t here anymore. I can’t forgive myself for what I did so how the hell is he meant to?
communication was a big thing, he works away a lot and when he’s away I get minimal contact. I just needed someone to talk to.
i don’t know what to do anymore I feel so shit and so alone riddled with guilt and regret everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mango1234 · 23/10/2024 23:29

I have no idea who they even are

OP posts:
OneLoftyFish · 23/10/2024 23:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread