I had an affair- is my marriage fixable?

[Mango1234]

Firstly, please don’t judge. I fu*ked up and I’m very much aware of that and mentally live with the guilt and regret every single day.
so, I had an affair for a few months. When my husband found out I moved out of our family home and am now renting a flat nearby. My husband and I have been married 8 years and together for 13years. At first, he was understandably very angry and hurt and at the start said he was divorcing me and wanted me out of his life. Now, 6months on he tells me he loves me and shows affection (although we don’t live together) he has days when he makes comments like “when you move back in you can’t be leaving your coffee spoons on the counter” (as a joke as I had made a coffee at his and left the spoon on the unit). Then the next day he’s so uninterested in me. We have 2 children who we have 50/50. He tells me he misses me and that he loves me but some days he just seems angry which I understand is a natural feeling for him. I just want to fix us, I have never done anything like this before. I am seeing a therapist, I’ve had a lot go on in my life the past few years with a lot of loss of immediate family including my dad who was my best friend.
has anyone been through a situation like this and got back with your husband?
the man I had an affair with I blocked and haven’t spoken to since. Will forever be the biggest regret of my life.
Any advice on what I can do?

I’ve been so low recently and scary thoughts have been in my head. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t here anymore.

This is concerning, OP. Have you shared with anyone irl? Doing a bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person. One day at a time my luv x

If he works away a lot how is he supposed to trust you going forward? You're only looking at it from your perspective which is you wanted someone to talk to and, let's face it, to fuck.

I’ve gone to a doctor after my therapist told me it would be beneficial. I’m on anti depressants.
I’ve lost so many people which I totally deserve. He tells me he loves me and misses me, he is affectionate but isn’t ready to commit to a decision.
I never in a million years thought we would end up like this, all because of my selfish decision.
pretty sure I’m going to lose him, I overthink every single day about it.

This post is full of self pity, not remorse, nothing about how your husband is probably feeling knowing that someone who claims to genuinely love him (eye roll) could have a months long affair and only end it when caught out.
If you are considering self harm, get mental health support. This is not your husband's problem to fix.

@Mango1234 put yourself in his shoes, what would you do could you forgive him, me I could never take back my dp if he cheated on me, once the trust is gone it's gone, I'm not going to be sitting there wondering what he's doing on his night out ect, just not worth the head space.

So many people in life go around judging others. Who else has walked in your shoes. No one. Would you forgive your friend your sister for this IE would you think they deserve to be held accountable for the rest of their life. Yes you made a very foolish choice. But you are only human. I do find women tend to forgive easier than men because we almost accept men as having a higher sex drive and not being able to resist. If a woman does it she's vilified I don't mean this to be offensive just from what I know from friends or colleagues. You are only one woman people do so much worse and it's how you repair now. So stay away from your husband give him space to heal tell him your giving him space to heal and make a choice but you wait patiently if you love him do this then you can forgive yourself. You can't heal him he has to decide himself and it all takes time. Did you tell him yourself or did he catch you another way? This is important and a factor that will make a difference. Think of your good qualities everyone has some , your children they love you and I'll bet there are great things about you such as you being a mum and friend there is good and bad in everyone. Don't hold yourself in judgment just start being your best self and try be happy x I also agree with another poster that your not the only one responsible for the marriage and in some ways your husband may also be accountable not saying your right but he may have had a hand in you getting to that place where you were in a position to want to cheat. Chin up x

His feelings are probably very conflicted. He may still love you but those feelings of hurt will still be creeping in.

If you betray someone. If you humiliate and deceive them you should expect the end result to be bad. You can’t possibly love and respect someone if you treat them with such contempt. A six month affair with someone you weren’t even madly in love with means you were happy with screwing everyone over for nothing.
I don’t know why you wouldn’t just walk away yourself. Just go and live as freely as you want and put your husband and children out of their misery.

I genuinely can’t understand why people deliberately mistreat others and then pretend it was a huge mistake. It’s just bizarre.
If I shagged someone behind my husband’s back it would be because I wanted to and the consequences were immaterial to me. I would make the assessment before the fuck up not after. I’m an intentional person though.

I think this has been a very un-savage cheaters thread, really.

OP, you feel shit as a result of what you chose to do. You feel guilty? Well, good, because what sort of person could do this without feeling guilty? A really terrible or sociopathic one. So your guilty feelings now show that you aren't all bad.

However, I don't think you deserve or will get much sympathy for how you feel. Actions have consequences - these are yours.

Your husband may or may not be willing and able to restart a relationship with you in time.

I think you need to accept your marriage is over and start moving on. You can't stay in limbo forever.

Sounds like he is battling with himself over it. It can and does work for some people, they do get over it. Whether he will be one of those, no one knows, probably not even him right now. But it can happen, it just takes a very long time.

Some people fix things and move on but it can never come up in arguments or it makes for an unhappy life for all x

"you cant make someone love you"

Single most important lesson of my life. Hard but true. Worth learning...

@Mango1234 There are a few factors that will affect how fixable this is:

It matters how he found out - did you volunteer a confession, or did someone tell him, or did he discover it himself ?

It matters when he found out - was the affair ongoing when he found out, had it just finished, or was it long finished?

It matters who the affair partner was - did he know the man, had you introduced him as a 'friend', did he know you were attending events with this man thinking it was platonic?

It matters how your sex life was previously - did you have an active sex life with your husband, did you do what he wanted in bed, did you climax with your husband frequently, will he feel emasculated imagining that your affair partner was better in bed then him?

It matters what the reason for the affair was (which you have not told us - loneliness is too general a catch all) - were you sexless, fallen out of love with him, had he let his appearance and physical appearance go, had you been living as cohabitating parents?

It matters what you have told him the reason for the affair was - did you tell him that his job requiring travel forced you to do this (i.e. you blamed him), did you just say that you were sorry and offered no explanation, did you offer a full and open explanation taking full responsibility?

I’d just move on, honestly. Sounds like you’ll forever have this bearing down your back if you do get back together.

I just googled them and they're apparently dating as boyfriend/girlfriend and maybe weren't for a while. How is that in any way comparable to a marriage with kids?

@Mango1234 you have done an awful thing but I do believe if both parties want to reconcile it can be done. Your husband is still in the very early stages of his trauma (and that’s what it is) so it’s unsurprising he is not sure or confused. it takes 2-5 years to heal from the damage caused.

There are some resources which might help you :-
• how to help my spouse heal from my affair is a book which details the steps you would need to take
• surviving infidelity website has a forum called wayward which may help you see things clearer
• affair recovery site has a number of videos to support reconciliation

You have controlled the narrative during the affair. You have stolen his right to personal agency and consent. You have lied and manipulated him. The gift you can give him now is time and you not trying to control his decisions. Focus on working on yourself (get some counselling, it sounds like you are hurting and need support) and showing him through actions (not words) that you can be a safe partner for him:

With time the dice will fall where they fall. I know many couples who did make it back but that really was down to determination on both sides.

Good luck!

A couple of posters have asked how he found out about it. Are you going to answer that OP? It will make a massive difference to him both now and going forward.