OLD - where to start?

[SomewhereInMyHeart]

I’m mid 50s and divorced, live alone. Friends and family think I’m happily single but I’ve decided I really want to meet someone. I’m a bit scared to try OLD after all I’ve read here but I’m not a joiner-inner so don’t want to invest a lot of time in a walking club, evening class, sports etc. I work full time but mostly from home and when I’m in the office there are very few men who aren’t much younger than me. Or married! So I feel OLD is my best option.
Any tips/recommendations please?

An ice breaker of “hello” or something a bit cheeky is usually the best opener.

Disagree totally. Hi, hello, how are you or the worst of all 👋 give a really poor first impression that someone can’t even be bothered to read a profile.

And one persons ‘cheeky’ is another’s cringey.

Best opening messages imo are ones that show that they’ve read the profile and refer to something that’s included.

An ice breaker of hello is just lazy. In all the times I have messaged men on OLD I have never had to resort to "hi how are you" or "hello". I don't like paragraphs either.

You have to decide how much effort you are willing to put in.

Men can't be bothered to think of something to say. Thats fine; I can't be bothered to entertain the unimaginative bores.

It’s not lazy. This is what the issue is.

Most women don’t even say hello on bumble. They have the ability to start the conversation. 90% don’t when you match.

A hello is like a wink in a bar or a friendly smile.

Stop expecting someone to come over with more. It doesn’t work.

It is absolutely lazy and gives the impression of low effort from the start. The age range the OP and many of us are in, it’s a bit sad that someone can’t actually be arsed to send a couple of sentences ffs.

I always start chats on Bumble by reading the profile and finding something to mention to start a conversation. I ask questions as well.

And comparing it to a wink - well I’d ignore that as well. Seriously do you really think women respond favourably to a random bloke winking at them? Absolutely no no no. Why not go the whole hog and wolf whistle?

I’ve had some great first messages. Words are really important and there’s only one chance to create a first impression. A lazy hi or cheesy wink sets the bar low.

Equally anyone using text speak or sending an emoji - just no!

This is the issue.

expectations are way too high.

People have evolved to do things in person. App life is so new in comparison and a nice hello should be enough for someone to reply to with a “hello yourself” and this is where it blooms. If you expect more, you’re going to be disappointed.

Don't be silly. There is no way on this earth that women are 'just as bad as men' for lying they want a relationship to get sex, and sending unsolicited pictures of their genitals. Men could spend their entire lives on dating sites and never recieve a single unasked for 'vag pic'. Why make this BS up?

Clearly you’ve not been a man on App dating

Sorry but that’s absolute nonsense. It doesn’t take time to evolve for people to be able to put a few words together to try and strike up conversation with a potential partner.

I dint know a single woman who responds to a first message as lazy and low effort as hi or hello.

Expecting grown adults to be able to use actual sentences is not setting expectations too high.

hi

hello

hi Claire, I love that you’re into the theatre too as I am. The last play was x….

the issue is, most get ignored and come to nothing. Some women love a hello, some don’t. I’m not a spokesperson for man, just my own experience.

My wife opened the chat with “oooh you’re a beaut”. Worked a treat.

No but I've talked to plenty that were/are as well as read countless threads on the subject where men pipe up to tell us what's wrong with the women. You'd have thought that as well as moaning how they all look fat/old/ugly/use filters/want 6' men at least a few would have thought to mention that the women habitually bombarded them with unsolicited pictures of their genitals and lied to coerce them into sex, wouldn't you?

No need for the first hi hello - just go straight to the actual message. Much better

Believe me most of our messages get ignored as well but doesn’t mean we just stop making an effort

Lol, I had a filter on where a message had to have a minimum word limit to achieve, exactly to filter out all the 'Hi! How's you' brigade. Some thought it smart to repeat the few words to get past the limit, some badly waffled in an awkward socially struggling way. It was a handy filter.
I put plenty in my bio, so if they didn't make reference to it, and obviously just got as far as the pic without bothering to read it, it's an instant no. You need to be cutthroat with your sorting. It's quality over quantity. BTW, do not try Ourtime if you lead an active life, most of them wouldn't keep up.

Do it!! I'm 53, divorced and kids all flying the nest. I met a narcissist on Hinge last year... however I've learned a lot about myself and set some boundaries. Been back on there since June and met some really lovely men. However, I'm happy single (definitely wasn't in this place last year), and enjoying meeting new people. I'd love to have someone special in my life but resigned to it not happening so having fun socialising. Good luck x

Quick question in case I decide to take the plunge this weekend!

Do you use a fake name/email address?!

No just use your regular email. I use hinge and with regards to profile content:

I used my first name (but declined to give my last one)

Stated the industry I work in rather than actual employer name. Don't state university name. I set my location to a couple of villages away - perhaps about 5-10 mins from where I actually live.

Make all your social media private in case anyone reverse searches your images to find you.

Obviously don't give this information up too readily when talking with matches either.

It's highly unlikely you'll meet someone who goes full scary stalker obsessed but best to have these measures in place anyway!

Me! Early 50s and would have agreed with all of the above after the best part of a year on (and off) dating sites. It was grim. But about 6 months ago I met someone incredible, and we have been very happily together since. It does happen, but I realise how lucky we were to find each other, and how easily we might have not done so. I'm incredibly grateful.

Remember it's a numbers game but don't take anything personally. After all they're all strangers. Try to get dates in early and keep it casual so can leave early if it's a waste of time! I hate to imagine how many first dates I've been on in 4 years, currently 8 months into seeing someone that I think could really make me happy

Thank you that is really helpful!

We don’t find sparks in sentences, we find them in a millisecond of a glance. The more one uses long winded exchanges, the more you’re forgetting that you’re preloading something that could be lost in that millisecond. It doesn’t matter how good the sentences are if you meet and in that first second, you don’t like what you thought you were going to see.

I was happy with a short cheeky opener and it worked but maybe we’re different and that’s why it worked. it was a means to get off the app and have a drink. That’s when the magic starts.

Just don’t over think it.

We don’t find sparks in sentences, we find them in a millisecond of a glance.

Quite. But women can't meet up with every single bloke who messages "hey". So you need to start filtering somewhere.

I suggest a sentence is a good place to start.

We also don’t find a spark in someone who can’t even be arsed to read a few lines on the profile of someone they may see as a potential partner

Many women see low effort from the start as an indicator of setting the bar low going forward.

Maybe you don’t think words are important but for me communication is absolutely vital in a relationship and starting off on the right way is crucial

It's difficult.
Women are hyper-alert for any sign that a man may be 'low effort'
That is to say, he's going to be a freeloader, date- canceller or someone who wants to take advantage generally.

Yes it means that you might filter out genuine guys, if you dismiss the "heys" and the "Hi's"

I'm not sure many women would be bowled over with 'you're a beaut'. If you're a man, a woman going in with a direct personal compliment is flattering and novel. For women far less so. Throwaway generic compliments are doled out to us by men pretty much on the regular, so men need to offer a bit more than that to stand out. Your partner stood out because she flipped it and it was fun and unexpected. A man doing it would be a dime a dozen.

You just don’t want to believe us do you?

hi
hello
wotcha
alright babe
etc

= instant rejection especially for the heinous crime of not even bothering to use a capital letter.

There needs to be some indication that he’s bothered to read your profile and that there’s something about it that interests him.

We’re right to sift out the time wasters and dimwits. Oh and I don’t believe for one second that there are many women on dating apps who send out, quote, vag pix 🤨

And don’t you find if you match effort and reply in kind, they unmatch?

So if they say hi or send a 👋 and we reply 👋 or hi, they don’t like it because they are lazy and want us to make the effort to start the chat because they think the mere fact they’ve bothered to type two letters should have us swooning.

Im on bumble I have a promt. Thats the easiest thing in the world to actually respond to but oh no hey sexy or how r u seems a much better idea apparently