OLD - where to start?

[SomewhereInMyHeart]

I’m mid 50s and divorced, live alone. Friends and family think I’m happily single but I’ve decided I really want to meet someone. I’m a bit scared to try OLD after all I’ve read here but I’m not a joiner-inner so don’t want to invest a lot of time in a walking club, evening class, sports etc. I work full time but mostly from home and when I’m in the office there are very few men who aren’t much younger than me. Or married! So I feel OLD is my best option.
Any tips/recommendations please?

I wish there was a site to find a "gay, male best friend" like in the old sitcoms 😅

Met my DP of 11yrs on online dating. We literally went on one date and took ourselves off of Match immediately afterwards.

I’d say try a few - some OLD sites are better than others. Reach out to multiple people and if you arrange something don’t do what I did and let him pick you up from your home address 🤦‍♀️. Luckily DP was my first and last OLD date and wasn’t a stalker but I put myself at risk.

I’m afraid women aren’t much better.

Married (but lies)
wanting just sex but pretending to want more
lies about age, kids, weight, job etc.
ghosting - lots of ghosting
more lies
fake pictures, fake lives. You name it.

and yes, plenty of cleavage/vag pics.

women are just as bad as men.

It's dire so I've given up.
I'd rather be single quite frankly.

I’m 50 and had some decent dates from Bumble and met my DP on there. (He does have MH issues but aside from that he’s lovely and definitely never sent me dick pics or was in any way sleazy!)

in fact I never had a dick pic in all the years I was doing OLD but like a PP I’m very picky about who I message, even a hint of flirting I will shut it down. Don’t even engage if they start with the inuendos etc. I have friends who will entertain it for a while and then get the ick when the bloke just can’t say anything without trying to make it sound like sex - “ooh cleaning your fridge, are you wearing a sexy French Maid outfit? You can clean my fridge any time lol wink 😜 “ 🤮

Just be very aware that 50% are probably married, 40% just want sex, 5% are fine, but no spark, 4% you’ll fancy, they’ll fancy you, you’ll get on ok and then it will fizzle out. Then the magic 1% (if I’ve got my maths right!) will be Mr Right, even if only for right now. Enjoy, good luck and don’t take it too seriously. Take regular breaks from it as it can become a full time job if you’re not careful. Don’t get too attached, they’re flighty and will stand you up, ghost you, and let you down. But if you meet a good un (or even one you just want to shag) it will be worth it.

This is so true. For every 100 dates/matches only one has the slight possibility of being OK.

What makes it fun is that you never know what that person will appear. So you have to wade.

beat thing I did was go on dates quickly. You never know until they look you in the eye.

Check out Dating Coach Erica found on Instagram at ‘alittlenudge’.

She has great advice as to the different apps, how to write a profile, and how to respond. Lots of templates and she is funny. She is also very positive and enthusiastic about the experience, which is needed, I think. As it’s v depressing otherwise.

For all those saying they never had any d@ck pics because they’re very choosy who they messaged and/or shut down messages if they turned sexual, that doesn’t make any difference. I got sent them as an opening message from blokes. Many times. Never interacted with them before. just sent me unsolicited pics of their d&cks. If this has never happened to you then you’ve been exceptionally lucky because every single one of my female friends has had this. And every single one has also had the abusive messages simply because they turned a guy down or didn’t respond to their initial contact. this is why sites like byefilipe exist. It’s a zoo out there.

www.byefelipe.com

Maybe I’m just ugly then?! I was doing OLD at the same time as 3 of my friends and I can only assume none of them were ever sent one, otherwise I know they’d have shared it with me!! We shared details of all the gross/weird ones tbh.

One of my friends had a guy ask to FaceTime her and when she answered he was wanking, like right in her face. But the chat had probably been flirty up to that point knowing her. She ended up having a ONS with him in a hotel.

Have to agree. I’m 50 something and have quite a few friends who have done OLD and not a single one has ever had a dick pic as an opening message. Not one out of a group of women over a period of several years.

Most have had sleazy messages as an opener and a few have had dick pics sent once they chatted a bit and moved to WhatsApp but then that’s pretty standard unfortunately

I say go for it, you never know what might happen. I did OLD for years and never got a dick pic. I had some odd dates but my mistake was not being picky enough. I had a lot of fun dates that never went anywhere but I enjoyed them. I met a guy I had a good three year relationship with and now I've met someone and we've got engaged. There are nice ones out there.

Don’t be daft! I’m sure you’re perfectly lovely. But I am totally shocked that you’ve never had the d&ck pic experience, however pleased for you! 😂 Plus, I think these guys just do it to all women. It’s not really about the woman.

As for your friends experience, that’s vile! I would consider that a sexual assault tbh. If a guy did that in public he’d be arrested. I hope she reported him.

Mid 50s here. I've been on and off OLD since my divorce 10yrs ago.
Have had 5 relationships in that time. And got dumped by 4 of them.

Currently on tinder and bumble. It's slow at this age but worth persevering.

When I started I went on lots of dates just to get out and meet people. I'm still friends with some of the men I met. Now I'm more choosy who I met because I've got a better idea of what I'm looking for.

It's a numbers game. 99% will be unsuitable for various reasons.

Have fun with it but take breaks as it can grind you down.
You don't have to chat to everyone who messages you. If you don't think they're right then say so.

@TipsyJoker I don't think the pps friend reported him. Unless I've read it wrong, she had a ONS with him.

I'm 37 and considering joining one... these are my "rules" I've come up with so far:

1) I will not respond to "Hi how are you" messages. If they can't be bothered neither can I. If they want to engage with my profile they can come back when they're more interesting. (see also: "good morning beautiful" and "hi how was your day")

2) Daytime coffee will be the first date. This is a perfectly acceptable level of commitment at first for two virtual strangers.

3) Don't stay for a single sip longer than you want. You don't owe the person in front of you anything. If you're not feeling it, just say "I'm not feeling a spark, I'm going to drink up and head off." Too many times have I sat there being polite not wanting to hurt someone's feelings waiting for them to finishing their effing beer so I can go home, or going along with them wanting another drink... nuh uh. Not this time.

4) I won't be put off if a match wants to meet pretty quick (i.e after a few messages over a week or so). This used to put me off but they probably have the right idea and are saving us both time.

Have changed username for this reply. My new name sums up my feelings regarding OLD. I’m an old hand at it but there’s been a big shift over the last couple of years - you used to be able to find a decent man who became your boyfriend for a period of time. Now the apps seem full of chancers who are after a quick shag and who then ghost you - even if they claim to want a relationship on their profile.

I’ve actually had a couple of pretty nasty experiences over the last two or three years and have become very wary now. I don’t think you can use the dating apps, even the so-called good ones, unless you are just seeking a ONS and are very robust. It’s not for the faint hearted.

I’m a really good catch, have been told this many times, am 52 and look after myself. A good career and children starting to fly the nest. But I have stopped using the apps for now as the process became depressing and as I mentioned above, very unpleasant.

Always be on your guard, is my advice. And don’t forget that anyone can spin any tale about themselves - keep your ears and eyes open for discrepancies. I mourn the old days of meeting nice men in a bar, it was so much easier and more natural.

Never had a dick pic either, sympathising with those who do get them, surely it's only men who appreciate a dick pic, can't they just send it to their buddies?

Loads of sleazy messages right from the word go though, don't mind those because it's a good filter. Disappointing to get it from those you feel you are building an interest in, but again, saves time and the effort & expense of actually dating!

OLD is a million miles away from what I was expecting, it was fun, interesting to try, but not for me, I just can't spare the energy.

I do have a casual FB on the go though, and so that keeps the wolf from the door!

I see quite a few posters on threads saying they met their lovely DP / DH on line, but invariably it seems have been 10/15 years ago. It has changed a lot and has got progressively worse with every year that passes.

Has anyone got any recent success stories? Even if it was 5 years ago?!

This is all very depressing

I’ve only recently started OLD and after a couple of months bored already but friends who have tried it previously say it’s far worse since lockdown.
Seems a lot of bored people went online to pass the time and now stuck around despite having no intention of actually dating

@beasmithwentworth There is hope! I'm 51, met my OH (54) on Tinder and we're just coming up to 3 years together. He's without a doubt the nicest person I've ever met and my soulmate in every sense - we've nearly crossed paths so many times over the years but it was only through the app that we actually met.

Dont get me wrong, I had some awful experiences with most of the sites - losers, cheats, liars, married ones, weirdos with all sorts of issues. I was catfished, ghosted and all the other cliches and I saw more mens' bits than in the rest of my life put together 😳I do think I was in the wrong headspace for it though - recently divorced and quite naive. I wouldn't be like it now but I'm never going back so it's not an issue.

OP I do get the impression it's got worse since Covid but think of it this way - you're not a loser and you're on there, so there could easily be nice guys too even if they're not for you. Dating can be fun and it gives you some great stories if nothing else - give it a go but keep your boundaries and your sense of humour. Good luck :)

PS The dating threads on here are a good source of advice/support

Yes this has been my experience and agree that the change has been since lockdown. I was chatting last week to a man on Hinge, we arranged to meet on the Friday in a low key way, just a daytime coffee, and moved to using WhatsApp. He didn’t confirm Friday and so the day before I had to nudge him which I really hate to do as it dents my pride. Turns out he had a terrible stomach issue. Ok so then we arrange to video chat on Friday evening instead, he said he’d call around 9, I said great! He didn’t call, and no further messages, so I detached from him on the app.

It pissed me off in a small way for a couple of days but it’s his loss. I’d say he either wasn’t divorced or he was already seeing someone and wanted a backup plan or an ego boost. This is a fairly common experience. It wasn’t like this five or ten years ago, it was rare to encounter this flakiness over and over again.

I'm reading this thread with much interest and it's an eye opener! I've never done OLD but dd did when she broke up with her long term partner temporarily a few years back. Her friend suggested Bumble and showed her how it works. Of all people the first person she matched with was her step brother who was a few months into a relationship! We were all meeting at an engagement party that evening & he & his newish partner were there! Totally awkward what!!?? The poor girlfriend was completely insecure sitting away from everyone alone crying to my daughter that she suspected he was on all those dating apps & a cheating player. We were quite shocked.

You are going to struggle.

1. An ice breaker of “hello” or something a bit cheeky is usually the best opener. This is dating apps. Not mastermind. Don’t over think it and those that expect war and peace, get forgotten as it becomes too much admin when someone has written 4 paragraphs in the second message. That isn’t dating or flirty.

1. Since when did a breakfast drink create possible romance with strangers. Have a drink, don’t treat it like a business meeting. Enjoy it.

1. Agree. Probably polite to finish your drink unless there is a problem. You might make a friend.

1. I met my wife after 3 messages. We met that night, rest is history.