Guy went cold on me after I was away on holiday?

[polarwind]

I started dating a guy who I met though an app about 7 months ago. After a string of bad experiences I thought I had finally met someone great. We are both mid 40's, he's a year younger than me and things had been going so well. Lots of lovely weekends together, he met my family and friends and we even went down south together in August so I could meet his family which went well.

I had a trip booked to Australia to see family for a year now and it was for 4 weeks. Honestly I regretted booking to go for so long after I had met him and did look to see if I could change my dates but I'd have been letting family down to do that and my boyfriend reassured me that it would be fine, we would message and call and he'd use that time to get some stuff done in his flat that he'd been too distracted to tackle, that he'd be here waiting for me.

So I went and it was nice although I missed him a lot we did message and call and I was so looking forward to seeing him when I got home last Friday. I got in early and messaged him, he said he would come over and see me that night and to get some sleep so I did then got back up and messaged him to see what time I should order the food for. He then messaged back to say he was caught up at work and would just be going home after as he was so tired and that he'd see me the next day. I was really upset by this but took him at his word.

He did then appear at my place on Saturday evening much later than I had expected as we'd usually meet at about lunch time but he didn't show until almost 7pm. I ordered a takeaway which we ate, we watched tv he drank a few beers then we went to bed and had sex. It wasn't quite the homecoming I'd been expecting to be honest. The next morning rather than spend the day he just got up and went saying he needed to finish off stuff at his flat. He wouldn't even stay for breakfast.

I texted him later to see if he wanted me to come over and help but he said no and that he'd be going to bed early. The yesterday he didn't text at all, even in response messages I sent him. Then today he's sent me one saying that he thinks things have been moving too fast with us, that we should leave off seeing each other for a bit and see how things go and perhaps reconnect in a month or two to see how we feel!

It seems obvious to me that he was straight back on the apps as soon as I was gone and has found a better prospect he is wanting to try out while still keeping me on the backburner in case it doesn't work out but seriously????

What do I have to do? Be all singing and all dancing all of the time to keep a mans interest? Did none of the time we spend together mean anything to him? How long did he even wait till he was back on the apps? Was he planning this all along and that is why he was so supportive of my trip? I really thought we were falling in love and had a future, I don't feel like I can trust myself anymore, how can he do such a one 180?

I am just so done with this shit.

I bet he would have done similar shit even if there was no holiday planned and you never went anywhere

The things I think ypu could have done differently are:

• considering changing the duration of the trip because you met him - did you tell him this?
• planning for him to come and see you once back - he should have planned something for you
• trying to plan again when the first plan didn’t work and going after him when he made himself busy

If I come from a 4 week trip and my BF is not treating me, there is no way he is getting food and sex from me either

But having said that, my BF travels all the time and once he is back he still is the one who has to put in the effort though. If we lived together, it would be different and I’d do my best for a lovely welcome home BUT he is a boyfriends and being a boyfriend means you have to court, court, court

He's treated you appallingly and the cheek of him to think he can pick up where he left off if he decides to come back!
No way!
I guess the connection wasn't that strong for him to wait for you, sorry but hopefully there is someone better out there for you, I suppose it's for the best, as it shown it wasn't the relationship you thought it was.

Well here’s a reframe OP: If you hadn’t gone away you might not have found out what a fickle shit he is.

Did you reply to his kind offer of catching up in a month? Or have you left him hanging?

I favour a single 🤣 response, or complete silence in cases like these.

Sigh. 💐

He's found someone else to bone whilst you were away.

Thanks everyone, I haven't replied to him @Catoo I ended up going to the gym to blow off some steam. Right now I'm not even sad just angry, what a time waster.

@smallsilvercloud Yes his treatment was awful and I suppose he didn't actually like me that much after all but then why tell me he did, why did he say he was falling for me and make a big show of taking me to visit his parents? He's essentially lied to me about who he was, what he felt and wanted and so yes it is probably better to find out now than a year or two down the line.

@wheresthebigcarrot Yeah I think he has found someone else by going on the apps the minute I was away. What kind of man is he to need constant attention that her threw everything we had away? Its just so shitty, and then to fake his continued interest in calls and messages probably while he made up his mind who he was keeping.

@bitesthedust Until now he's been a perfect boyfriend really and was in his courtly energy, then I come back to total disinterest.

Similar happened to me. All going well then he seemed to forget me on holiday. We met when I got back but I knew it was the last time I'd see him. He almost took offense that I had a holiday!

Good riddance, OP. My boyfriend now travels, so do I, and we make it work. That's what you do when you're into each other. I wouldn't have changed a month visiting family when it predated the relationship.

End the relationship and don’t wait around for him to change his mind. He’s detached while you were away and probably moved onto someone else.

I doubt he lied before the trip but some men are very much out of sight out of mind.

@CosmoQ Yeah as far as I am concerned its over.

@BabyCloud My feeling is that he felt bored and neglected while I was away and went on looking for an ego boost and ended getting lucky, someone younger probably. Sod him.

He got the hump because you going away meant you wernt giving him your undivided attention to the detriment of everyone else.

He’s either started seeing someone else when you were away, or he’s a narcissist who was love bombing you when you met, and is now is punishing you for going away for a month. Your punishment is a discard for a month in return.

I suspect you will get a hoovering in a week or so. He’ll expect you to be v grateful as he hasn’t made you wait the full month.

Good on you for not replying. By the way if he is a bit of a narc he’ll hate that. Which will likely make him hoover you more quickly.

💐

What makes you think he is on the apps? Have you had a look to see if he is?

@Catoo Thanks for the heads up on that. I am not really versed in that kind of thing so perhaps I will read up on that. I will let him stew but really as far as I am concerned its over!

I assume he was while I was away, don't think I can check now as he's likely off by now.

Well done OP.
None of them, narc or not, ever like being ignored and it’s my favourite way to get the power back.
Silence says more than words ever could about what you think of that message and his behaviour!

💐

Thats what I thought. Maybe after being away for 4 weeks things changed for him - he maybe didn't miss you as much as he thought he would, and he focussed on other things.

Relationships take work from both. Why was it down to him to sort out a homecoming - you were the one away? It sounds like not much was planned by you either. He may well have been caught up at work so not unreasonable to focus on that or be tired.

It doesn't sound like you both agreed a time to meet Saturday either. Maybe he felt a bit unloved over that and in conjunction with not missing you as much as he thought, decided that the relationship was not as good as both may have thought? Maybe, like you, he was expecting more? Maybe you could have built up your return and made him feel special. It doesn't sound like much effort was made by either party.

Sometimes space can do that, you realise they are not as important as you thought. The opposite has happened to me - questions about the relationship but not seeing each other was tough for both of us and so was the opposite of what this sounds like

I’ve read it again and think differently.

Instead of jumping to the conclusion that he’s on dating apps I think it sounds like things were just moving quickly for him and you being away has probably given him the space to realise. If he hasn’t had time to do jobs around his flat while he’s been dating you then maybe he has just enjoyed having more free time and could have been irritated that you wanted him to jump back in deep again.

Great advice @Catoo - you're my kind of woman! 💪I hope you enjoy taking back control OP - no response to him at all is the best response. 😉

Hmm.....I think he was dick. I was going to say well fair enough if he's not feeling it, but: he could have mentioned his change of heart before having sex with you (I don't know about you, but I'd be really annoyed that he'd manipulated one final shag before saying anything); he could have put a lot more effort into your first date after your holiday - TV and beers sounds fucking dire and he could have at least properly chatted to you and shown you attention if he was figuring out his feelings; and, finally, the 'in 1-2 months let's re-connect' thing screams he's either found or is actively looking for someone else and has you as his back up plan. I literally can't think of another reason for saying it. And what a fucking insult! I'd block him and never talk to him again. I hope you enjoyed your holiday- thank god you didn't shorten it for this odious toad!

What are you talking about? I never said he should plan a homecoming for me, he told me he wanted to see me and then I was going to order food for him coming over.

He never made any indication of how he was feeling on our chats and messages while he was away he was saying how excited he was to see me.

Good grief, but honestly don't let me stop you making up little stories for your own amusement if that is what floats your boat.

🙄
It’s your fault he was evasive and lacklustre then had sex with you then asked for a month off OP!!!
Because you didn’t make him feel special enough!

I mean it’s not like you tried to see him the same day you landed or anything.

@Catoo I know right? Where does this guy (probably) get off with his little fantasy post?

I suppose at least you know, even if it's a disappointment.

You value loyalty in a relationship and he hasn't made the grade, sadly.

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, unfortunately.

If he's telling the truth, then maybe some time apart has made him realise that he doesn't want to be in a full-on relationship. Whether that means that he wants to fuck around or he already has, you'll probably never know, but you do know that this isn't what you want, so it's over.

Please don't change your holiday plans, or any other plans, for your boyfriend. The right person won't want you to do that and will be chomping st the bit to see you when you get back.