I kissed someone who is not my boyfriend 4 years ago at the beginning of our relationship.

[Kiriku]

Hi, me and my boyfriend are 4 years in the relationship. At the beginning (third week) I went on party, got drunk and kissed someone else that night. It was house party so I did know everyone on that party and everyone known me. I feel really bad about it and I have never told him about that. I was 18 years old back then and he is 6 years older then me. I was a little bit scared of the relationship at that time because he always talked how he wanted to marry me instantly and I was a kid back then... I am a different person now, I know that I wouldn't do that ever again, I stopped drinking after that night but I have never told him and I don't know if I should now... I love him so much and our relationship is really good and healthy now I don't want to lose him because I was stupid back then. I don't know if I deserve his love and attention, I feel like a very bad person. I want a family with him, I want a future with him and I know that I wouldn't cheat on him again...

Op there are quite a few red flags in your posts.

What do others think of your relationship?

Have you read about controlling relationships? Does any of that sound like him?

Using words like 'slur' to describe yourself is worrying. Why do you have such little self worth?

Why do you even think it's 'cheating' to kiss a boy at a party when you've only met a boyfriend 3 weeks before?

This really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship sorry.

It's not like that, he is a sweetheart to me, he is really a loving partner to me and my biggest support. I thought about that and read but these things are not him, at one point I thought I was blinded but after 4 years I can say that it is not that kind of relationship.

We were in relationship for 3 weeks and I did that.

Put it out of your mind, stop feeling guilty and torturing yourself over something so trivial. It was a long time ago and it didn't mean anything.

Why on earth are you dwelling on something so minor after 4 years?

Such a non event. Just forget about it.

I am concerned about the way you are ruminating on something that you must know, and can see by how many others are responding, is such a trivial blip non event. You really need to put this aside. You do not need to create chaos in your relationship now by telling your partner this.

Why are you struggling to see your emotional turbulence will create actual real problems for you? Stop it.

You were 18, how old are you now? You are still very young. You do not seem to hold yourself up in high worth, you speak so poorly about yourself. You must never commit to being in any relationship from this position. You will always feel inferior and the relationship will be a trap where you are the weaker party. You need to be stronger and more rational to have a calm intimate relationship. Can you get help with this, educate yourself with the many books available about emotional development and personal growth. I really think you should do this before anything.

You sound extremely anxious, mentally fragile and as a result - vulnerable.
You also had no life experience before getting into a long term relationship with your BF.

I am wondering what benefit does a man get from dating a very young, vulnerable woman? He must like that dynamic. And I'm wondering if he is perpetuating it.
I bet you feel you owe him love. And that anything less than matching his intensity is unacceptable. And I bet you are absolutely terrified of ever hurting him, because you are his everything and his love is so pure. It's like chronic Love-bombing.

But I can change that right? I want to change these things about myself. For real, relationship now is really good and he is really good and supportive partner. My family loves him too, he is doing so much for me and I am trying to do for him...

@Kiriku
But do you Love him? Or are you desperately trying not to let everyone down - him, your parents, others...?

All of this.

@QueenCamilla
I genuinely love him, really. We have so much in common, he doesn't control me in any way. I really don't want this relationship to end, we do so much stuff together, he treats me so well. I know it seems like controlling and unhealthy relationship but it really isn't.

Honestly, I used to do that sort of thing all the time in new relationships. I’m not sure why I would end up snogging randoms, I think it tended to happen if the new guy had pissed me off - a sort of sneaky FU that they never knew about. It’s one of those things you take to the grave, telling someone 4 years down the line would achieve nothing but angst for both of you.

I’m guessing you weren’t in love with your DP when you kissed the other person and you had no way of knowing that you and DP would still be together 4 years later.

Please, be kinder to yourself. You were young and enjoying life, there is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s sad that you’re slut-shaming yourself for some minor thing that happened years ago.

I didn't know that we will be together 4 years later and I was attracted to him but it was a little bit scary, everything was new and I felt trapped a little bit when he said that he will marry me, but that is not a reason to do that...

You did nothing wrong.
Not sure why you're giving it any more head space

It's OK to keep some things private. You know it didn't mean anything. The only reason to tell him would be to get his 'forgiveness', but I don't think it's fair to put this on him - you have to forgive yourself. Then forget about it and look ahead, not to the past.

Honestly I don't think it is even cheating four years in. Just forget about it. No need to upset things over absolutely nothing.

that should say "three weeks in".