Help needed to end a friendship

[Lucylongcat]

I am going to sound like a horrible person here, I know.

I have a friend I made when our children were at nursery. Our children are now at secondary and are no longer friends. The mum wants to meet up at least once per half term. I found it really hard to deflect invitations for my daughter to meet up with hers, but switched it to the pair of us going out for brunch instead, as my daughter felt obligated, but really didn't want to attend.

The thing is, I dread going for these brunches. She is a lovely woman and has been very thoughtful, but we don't have anything in common. I would never be the one to instigate the meetings and I would always end up feeling guilty when she pushed for them. She'd often comment about how it had been so long, etc. I really am not a brunch kind of person and would much rather spend any free time I have with my nuclear family, sad as that may sound.

We've gone six months without seeing each other, and I've ignored the last few texts, feeling worse and worse each time I do. I know it isn't fair to keep ignoring her, but how can I say that I really don't want to meet up anymore? I've written out a few texts and then not sent them, on more than one occasion. I can't see anything that I can write that isn't going to make her feel horrible.

Please help me write a gentle response that gets me out of having to continue with a friendship I really don't want. Anything has to be better than sending nothing!

Does she live far enough away from you that you are able to avoid bumping into her?

It's not going to be easy to tell someone that you no longer want to "hang out", but that's what it amounts to. Maybe tell her that you no longer meet up with friends, not just her but your other friends as well.

If you received a txt of rejection, what would you be ok with? "I'm very sorry friend, but I don't really want to meet up anymore." If I received that txt, I'd be nonplussed, but I'd accept it and move on.

I may be a bit of a chicken, but I would let it fizzle out. Surely after 6 months she’ll know she’s not important to you, and if you keep being unavailable she’ll get the hint.

I think it sounds unfair of you to treat her this way if she has done nothing wrong to be honest. I can’t understand why you need to completely dump her. Is it really that hard to check in on each other or tell her that you’re busy? To ignore her is pretty rude.

I would be grateful that she cares enough to keep in contact - so many people these days post about having no friends and you’re wanting to cut off one for very little reason.

I think I would just say your schedule no longer has the time available for meet ups because you are busy with XXX. Keep it light. She can’t argue with that or feel offended. It’s just a time issue.

All you had to say was:

Sorry I’m busy on xx, so I won’t make it

Ive got something on that week

Im busy so won’t manage - it’s been hectic lately

Ghosting her is a really shitty thing to do, you know that. She deserves better than wondering what she did wrong when you say yourself she’s a lovely woman you just don’t have anything in common.

Be an adult and text her back, kindly, saying that you’re sorry for avoiding her and then explain that you don’t want to meet up anymore but reinforce that it’s nothing she has done.

What does that text look like, though? I worry that I've gone six months without communicating, and if I respond, it actually opens the door to yet more communication. I fully acknowledge ghosting is a shitty thing to do to someone, but I have tried for years being busy, putting off meeting, and I always get tied down to some kind of arrangement in the future.

How does this sound?

I'm ever so sorry for not being in touch. It's nothing you've done, but I don't want to meet up any more. You've always been very kind and thoughtful and I have lots of lovely memories of our children growing up together.

Due to life circs and mental health I've texted all my friends to say I just can't socialise at the moment or for the foreseeable. They've all accepted it and know when I'm ready I'll be in touch. Could you send a short text to that effect?

I like your text

Hi OP, I've been here so I totally understand how you feel. The thing with friendships is you have to want the friendship too or you end up only meeting them to tick it off your to do list and then it just becomes a chore.
I posted on here a while ago about a mum friend I had, i had the usual responses implying I was rude etc but I had a few others which confirmed I needed to do what was right for me and my life. You only live once so you don't need to entertain a friendship that provides you with nothing.

I would just keep ignoring her to be honest. She will eventually realise you don't particularly want to see her, which is totally fine and you're within your right to do that.

Thankyou theansweris42. I think I'm going to go with:

I'm ever so sorry for not being in touch. It's nothing you've done, but I don't want to socialise at all at the moment and am just spending time with my family. You are always very kind and thoughtful and I don't want you to be worried about me, I am doing okay.

That’s a great message op

I think that second message is perfect. It takes the sting off.

This is great.

It doesn’t sound final though - she’ll want to be back in touch when you’re feeling “yourself” again.

I agree with the second message, it’s considerate and kind.

You would then be within your rights to ignore any future communication as you’ve set your boundary and given her some sort of explanation.

All of this “it’s ok to ghost because you have to put yourself first” is just really shitty, selfish behaviour. Send the text x

I agree. Can you say something about how you have too many family commitments and no longer have time to give her or the friendship the input they deserve? Then wish her all the best.

“Help Needed To End a Friendship”

A different suggestion - could you maybe call her for an evening “catchup chat” (without actually meeting up)….if need be you can drop later in conversation that you aren’t up for going out generally at the moment.

Other things I might do in similar situations is turn it into a group thing with mutual friends instead (book club / coffee/ drink at the pub) but with a small group - so you aren't forced to interact at length one-on-one?

The title of your thread is interesting, it’s something I might write - but when I actually analyse my own subconscious thoughts - it’s very occasionally just because I do not actually like the person - but haven’t acknowledged it to myself. If it’s not this, is there a reason to actually formally terminate the friendship - rather than just fade out over time?

Message sent. I'm now going to ignore any more replies.

VWT5, I've done that with other social interactions, but we don't have any mutual friends and absolutely no shared interests! If it was going to fade out, it would have done by now, because I've been trying for the slow fade for years now!

horsesforcourses, that could be tricky. My parents used to do a lot of nursery pick-ups and could possibly run into her. It would also invite questions about how they are. They always brought me up with the saying: "Oh what a tanglerd web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" and I can't help but think it would come back and bite me on the bum.

I think you're probably right, but that's future longcat's problem.

sarahsandy, thankyou for being understanding.

The second draft was a good message. Perhaps a bit of a long kicking down the road rather than permanent but I think that's appropriate. She sounds nice, you sound nice and if she checks in by text now and again or you bump into her this might feel more manageable than having to handle a more nuclear 'breakup' or fend her off on a regular basis without saying anything. I think a really good approach and much nicer than. Just ignoring

Like the second one. You could round it off with

"I don't know when things will improve, I'm unlikely to get back in touch. Take care."

Or substitute "change".for "improve" and let your parents know to smile and say nowt