Help needed to end a friendship

[Lucylongcat]

I am going to sound like a horrible person here, I know.

I have a friend I made when our children were at nursery. Our children are now at secondary and are no longer friends. The mum wants to meet up at least once per half term. I found it really hard to deflect invitations for my daughter to meet up with hers, but switched it to the pair of us going out for brunch instead, as my daughter felt obligated, but really didn't want to attend.

The thing is, I dread going for these brunches. She is a lovely woman and has been very thoughtful, but we don't have anything in common. I would never be the one to instigate the meetings and I would always end up feeling guilty when she pushed for them. She'd often comment about how it had been so long, etc. I really am not a brunch kind of person and would much rather spend any free time I have with my nuclear family, sad as that may sound.

We've gone six months without seeing each other, and I've ignored the last few texts, feeling worse and worse each time I do. I know it isn't fair to keep ignoring her, but how can I say that I really don't want to meet up anymore? I've written out a few texts and then not sent them, on more than one occasion. I can't see anything that I can write that isn't going to make her feel horrible.

Please help me write a gentle response that gets me out of having to continue with a friendship I really don't want. Anything has to be better than sending nothing!

Or "I won't be back in touch"

I hate situations like this - time is precious and you just don't want to waste it on people you aren't that fussed about. Well done op for sending the text.

Now I want to know what/if she replied.....😁

I think the second text is much kinder, OP. If you don’t have anything in common or don’t find meet-ups interesting or enjoyable then there is nothing wrong with ending a friendship as long as it is done kindly (as you have done with your text). 🌺

Got a nice reply, saying she will be there if I ever need a chat.

Buuuut... there was the hook: She's now worried that either me or someone in my family has something seriously wrong with us (I did say I was fine). I know if I reply, it will then turn into a long back and forth, which I am trying to avoid. I am fine to not reply with clear conscience now, right? Or does texting not come under "not socialising"? Ah, poop!

At the same time, I know she's just being a normal human being and I am the one being a bit of an asshole. Aaaaargh! Should I reply and say, don't worry, everyone is healthy, I'm just feeling a bit burnt out?

I think telling my parents to smile and say nowt is a good idea, and will pre-warn them.

Thankyou mumsnetters for being my sounding board.

I would just leave it now otherwise you will end up with a back and forth conversation. To be honest I think most of us would have got the hint ages ago that the friendship was fizzling out if we were in the same position as your friend. You could consider blocking her number now so that you no longer have to worry about future texts.

This. Would a meet every 6 months really kill you? It doesn't need to be brunch. Why don't you suggest something you would prefer instead - lunch? Drinks? Coffee?

I think she's got the hint.

For now, I would just say 'thanks for understanding, take care' and leave it there.

Let your parents know to maybe say you're well but a bit burnt out if she asks after you so they don't merrily suggest you'd love to see her.

I don't think it's worth going scorched earth. she might be someone you come back to in later life or through mutual groups as you're quite local.

Have to agree on this. You’re really not being fair to her and no surprises on here to see the usual cowardly slow fade advice or send her an ambiguous (still cowardly) message.

Do you really have nothing in common? Absolutely nothing? I struggle to believe that the relationship has lasted this long without some common ground other than the kids.

It sounds like you were friends when it suited you because your DC were friends and now you deem her surplus to requirements as she isn't serving that purpose any longer.

I do think that's a normal part of life, but I think you need to take a bit more ownership of the fact that you no longer feel she's useful to you and you want to ditch her for that reason.

I don't mean you should say that to her - I just mean stop blaming not liking brunch or being obsessed with your nuclear family and accept that you no longer find her useful.

Because currently you sound like you're victimising yourself over the whole thing when really you should just grow up and admit to yourself that you cba.

Defo leave it now and OK not to reply. I would block to save myself seeing messages I don't want. You've been considerate and kind and you don't owe her anything more.

idontknkowwhyibother that's harsh. They were friendly when the children were younger. OP didn't and doesn't feel any real connection to the Mum and is disengaging as kindly as possible.

“ Dear x,

I know we used to be friends, but the shine of that friendship has really worn off for both DD and me. It’s nothing you’ve done, more just that now they aren’t at nursery together, the truth is you aren’t really useful enough for me to feel I can be bothered having a brunch with you every six months, not even for old time’s sake. You were never someone I had anything in common with, and now that the only reason I ever bothered with you at all has evaporated, im sorry I don’t want to see you again.

I’ve been reluctant to say anything because I don’t want you to judge me as someone who can’t cant bothered making an effort to return kindness to a hand extended in friendship, because that’s really not me, honest. “

Being brutally honest, I think that’s how she’ll read it.

Poor lady. She sounds really nice. I’d be careful what you wish, true friends are worth everything.

Oh god
please don't go back to her OP

you didn't ghost and finally did the decent thing by telling her

but you dumped her in a "it's not you, it's me" scenario so please don't keep her hanging in case you find her useful later. That's just awful.

you cba being friends with her, so I hope you're decent enough to leave it there.

you have the right to decide that but please don't go after her if it turns out your family aren't enough. I suspect they will be, you sound like that person.

but you've dumped her so now leave her in peace.

Exactly. So why tie herself in knots about it?

She cba, she's not some kind of brunch martyr.

Leave it.

You sound horrid!

I think that message is perfect. It’s not as brutal as you saying that you don’t want to meet up with her - it’s kind yet firm and she should get the message. I’ll be honest, if one of my friends text saying that they no longer wanted to meet up with me I would be deeply upset, I would analyse every tiny little thing I ever said to them and would probably drive myself completely crazy but that’s just me and my neurotic neurodiverse self ha ha. If a friend text saying that it’s not possible for them to socialise anymore and they just needed to spend time with close family I would accept that.

I also think you sound very involved with your parents, and that's lovely that you have them playing this supportive role for you - covering for you etc in the way that you describe.

I've also known people like you who keep friends at arm's length because they have a close family who suddenly look to friends for a shoulder to cry on when their parents health declines and the inevitable happens.

You can't do that with this friend, it isn't fair.

Your immediate family is your priority and you've made that clear. So you need to accept that you can't then go seeking support from this kind and lovely friend when things are hard for you.

I wish we could all be more upfront in these situations. You made it sound like you have health issues, whereas you could have just said that you would like to end the relationship. I would have preferred the honest response personally.

I think this is quite mean of you OP. Have you though you might not need a friend right now but maybe she does??
Thoroughly depressing thread.

Have you thought about saying you value her as a friend but can't get together for a while?

The problem with that text message is that it draws her in to the OPs personal situation and a potential family problem. It’s almost created an intimacy.