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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to know

58 replies

Iamdyinghere · 22/10/2024 12:23

I really need some advice. Been with my fiance for nine years, and loving every minute of it. Never been so happy in my entire life and he apparently felt/feels the same.

So, three weeks ago I accidentally see a guy's name on his WhatsApp with no content in the chat. So coming from two very toxic relationships, I ask him if he has saved a woman by a man's name, and been deleting the messages so I wouldn't catch on. He admits this.

A bit of background - I noticed that we weren't having intimate time as frequently as we had in the past, say between once and four times a month, but being more on the senior side, I felt that maybe he was having trouble in the downstairs, and wasn't going to put more pressure on him.

Back to now, he tells me that he started seeing this woman, who incidentally is my friend and my neighbor, because I wasn't having enough sex with him. What a shocker. So he tells me that they have been meeting up for about six months, which I think it might be more, but that they had only been kissing and fondling. Oh dear God, I can't even think about this without feeling as though I'm going to have a panic attack.

Never had sex. He wanted to and tried to, even sent her songs with words of how he wanted her to be with her, but he says they never had sex.

I asked him to prove it, which he can't, because he deleted their chats after sending messages. So, I've got to just believe it?

Does he even want to be with me? Has he fallen out of love with me? He says he made a mistake and that he wants to rebuild the trust we had in each other, but how do I move on if I don't know if he's lying to me about the sex. Because that's a big thing. I don't know if I would stay to build the relationship up again, if they had been having sex.

I desperately want to believe that to be true, because I think I could move past that, but I need to know because I cannot one day find out that they had sex and that it was more than just wanting to have sex. Because I mean, kissing someone once is a mistake, but seeing someone for six months, more than 20 times, is a totally different story.

OP posts:
Butterflywings84 · 28/10/2024 07:28

Whether you are happy to stay or not is up to you but I am not sure the sex should be the decider - he wanted to and tried to - so sounds like the only reason they didn’t is because she put a stop to it? Or is it just the fear it might turn out he lied to you that is the concern? If that’s the case then I think it’s telling you that you don’t trust him. Not sure how you come back from that…

what’s the position with your friend/neighbour? Have you spoken to her? Presumably she will still be close by - how are you going to feel about that?

KmcK87 · 28/10/2024 16:26

He’s absolutely had sex with her if this has been going on for 6 months. Did he only stop when you caught him?

Mrssmith3 · 28/10/2024 17:10

He’s probably lying op. The same way he lied to you for 6 months while he was meeting her. Knowing all the details isn’t going to make the situation better. If it was me I would end it. If he wanted more sex he needed to speak with you. Not jump in with someone else.

Emptyspiral · 28/10/2024 19:17

He cheated on you for six months with your friend. This is absolutely disgusting behavior. He will do it again. You deserve better OP.

Acornsoup · 28/10/2024 21:27

I am sorry OP. He probably started having sex with OW around the time you noticed it tapering off. There is/was most likely an overlap. Get yourself tested for STIs. There's no need to delete messages unless there is very explicit language and he has been deleting them by his own admission. This man is not committed to you. 6 months is a long time. What would have happened if you didn't find out. In all honesty your relationship was probably dead in the water 12 months ago. If he's admitting to 6 months it's probably more like 9 or 10. You deserve better.

Every1sanXpert · 29/10/2024 08:09

RavenA · 22/10/2024 12:37

The majority of the advice you'll get on here is to finish things with him. Having been through similar with my partner, I know damn well it's not as easy as that. Sorry you're facing all this.

Edited

The reason for most people saying that is because that’s what she should do. The man has completely disrespected her and only admitted to things because he was found out. She deserves so much more. And his reasoning!?! He wasn’t getting enough?! Gross. Grow up. I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same again

DearIntuition · 06/11/2024 17:39

Darling, you need to move on. Set yourself free from further guilt of being unsure whether your partner had sex, or if he might do this again. Have you ever heard the song, Jolene by Dolly Parton? Listen to the lyrics of this song. It’s about a woman who desperately wants to keep her partnership but is affected by his mistress who signals a constant threat between her and her partner. She’s given away her power. This is the energy you’ve embodied. (I've intutively channeled this message because it's what I do. Hope it helps.)

How long do you think you will be able to feel “happy and loving” towards him in desperate energy? How far can you go in time loving this man when he lied to you and went against your moral values?

These are questions you will need to ask yourself and respond deep within from the intimacy of your own intuition. It was right on before he admitted to this. You knew it.

What you may not yet know is that a loving partnership is not built on self sacrifice. It is one built on trust, commitment, security, honor, loyalty, and honesty. These are all loving actions. He does not act in love when he has broken all of these foundational elements of a healthy partnership. If you continue in the desperate energy you’re in at the time of writing this letter, then take a look at the list of elements your partner is not providing to your relationship.

These are the elements you have put to your own wayside in commitment to yourself. Start here by rebuilding a relationship with yourself to bring in the elements of a healthy partnership that you want so badly. If you can’t provide these to yourself, you cannot get this from anyone else.

This is a law of universal reciprocity. Whatever you want from another, you must be providing to yourself and others. What you give you get. In your situation, you’re not giving yourself a healthy partnership with yourself. Therefore, you will not get it from this man, or anyone else, until you do.

Questionsquestions23 · 07/11/2024 14:30

DearIntuition · 06/11/2024 17:39

Darling, you need to move on. Set yourself free from further guilt of being unsure whether your partner had sex, or if he might do this again. Have you ever heard the song, Jolene by Dolly Parton? Listen to the lyrics of this song. It’s about a woman who desperately wants to keep her partnership but is affected by his mistress who signals a constant threat between her and her partner. She’s given away her power. This is the energy you’ve embodied. (I've intutively channeled this message because it's what I do. Hope it helps.)

How long do you think you will be able to feel “happy and loving” towards him in desperate energy? How far can you go in time loving this man when he lied to you and went against your moral values?

These are questions you will need to ask yourself and respond deep within from the intimacy of your own intuition. It was right on before he admitted to this. You knew it.

What you may not yet know is that a loving partnership is not built on self sacrifice. It is one built on trust, commitment, security, honor, loyalty, and honesty. These are all loving actions. He does not act in love when he has broken all of these foundational elements of a healthy partnership. If you continue in the desperate energy you’re in at the time of writing this letter, then take a look at the list of elements your partner is not providing to your relationship.

These are the elements you have put to your own wayside in commitment to yourself. Start here by rebuilding a relationship with yourself to bring in the elements of a healthy partnership that you want so badly. If you can’t provide these to yourself, you cannot get this from anyone else.

This is a law of universal reciprocity. Whatever you want from another, you must be providing to yourself and others. What you give you get. In your situation, you’re not giving yourself a healthy partnership with yourself. Therefore, you will not get it from this man, or anyone else, until you do.

This is so powerful, I wish I could act on these words as I find myself in a similar but different situation. But thank you xx

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