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Original poster

I need to know

58 replies

Iamdyinghere · 22/10/2024 12:23

I really need some advice. Been with my fiance for nine years, and loving every minute of it. Never been so happy in my entire life and he apparently felt/feels the same.

So, three weeks ago I accidentally see a guy's name on his WhatsApp with no content in the chat. So coming from two very toxic relationships, I ask him if he has saved a woman by a man's name, and been deleting the messages so I wouldn't catch on. He admits this.

A bit of background - I noticed that we weren't having intimate time as frequently as we had in the past, say between once and four times a month, but being more on the senior side, I felt that maybe he was having trouble in the downstairs, and wasn't going to put more pressure on him.

Back to now, he tells me that he started seeing this woman, who incidentally is my friend and my neighbor, because I wasn't having enough sex with him. What a shocker. So he tells me that they have been meeting up for about six months, which I think it might be more, but that they had only been kissing and fondling. Oh dear God, I can't even think about this without feeling as though I'm going to have a panic attack.

Never had sex. He wanted to and tried to, even sent her songs with words of how he wanted her to be with her, but he says they never had sex.

I asked him to prove it, which he can't, because he deleted their chats after sending messages. So, I've got to just believe it?

Does he even want to be with me? Has he fallen out of love with me? He says he made a mistake and that he wants to rebuild the trust we had in each other, but how do I move on if I don't know if he's lying to me about the sex. Because that's a big thing. I don't know if I would stay to build the relationship up again, if they had been having sex.

I desperately want to believe that to be true, because I think I could move past that, but I need to know because I cannot one day find out that they had sex and that it was more than just wanting to have sex. Because I mean, kissing someone once is a mistake, but seeing someone for six months, more than 20 times, is a totally different story.

OP posts:
northernbeee · 26/10/2024 09:43

TheShellBeach · 22/10/2024 13:09

I actually think he's lying, and he's had sex with her, and maybe others as well.

I'm so sorry, OP. That's awful of him (and of her).

You need to end this. Chuck him out.

It was a bit weird to be engaged for nine years though - either you're going to get married or you're not.

Regardless, he's behaved appallingly and you must be feeling terrible.

I read it as they've been together 9 years and now he's her fiance.

BoldAmberDuck · 26/10/2024 10:38

Iamdyinghere · 22/10/2024 12:23

I really need some advice. Been with my fiance for nine years, and loving every minute of it. Never been so happy in my entire life and he apparently felt/feels the same.

So, three weeks ago I accidentally see a guy's name on his WhatsApp with no content in the chat. So coming from two very toxic relationships, I ask him if he has saved a woman by a man's name, and been deleting the messages so I wouldn't catch on. He admits this.

A bit of background - I noticed that we weren't having intimate time as frequently as we had in the past, say between once and four times a month, but being more on the senior side, I felt that maybe he was having trouble in the downstairs, and wasn't going to put more pressure on him.

Back to now, he tells me that he started seeing this woman, who incidentally is my friend and my neighbor, because I wasn't having enough sex with him. What a shocker. So he tells me that they have been meeting up for about six months, which I think it might be more, but that they had only been kissing and fondling. Oh dear God, I can't even think about this without feeling as though I'm going to have a panic attack.

Never had sex. He wanted to and tried to, even sent her songs with words of how he wanted her to be with her, but he says they never had sex.

I asked him to prove it, which he can't, because he deleted their chats after sending messages. So, I've got to just believe it?

Does he even want to be with me? Has he fallen out of love with me? He says he made a mistake and that he wants to rebuild the trust we had in each other, but how do I move on if I don't know if he's lying to me about the sex. Because that's a big thing. I don't know if I would stay to build the relationship up again, if they had been having sex.

I desperately want to believe that to be true, because I think I could move past that, but I need to know because I cannot one day find out that they had sex and that it was more than just wanting to have sex. Because I mean, kissing someone once is a mistake, but seeing someone for six months, more than 20 times, is a totally different story.

I think in time you will forgive him if he can prove this was just a out of character time for him

Lotus3 · 26/10/2024 11:12

I'm so sorry OP; I have had my own version of this. I will never forget how disgusting and destroying it feels, so I genuinely hope you are OK and have someone to talk to IRL.

Know one thing; if you stay, you and your relationship will never be the same. This experience will physically change your ability to connect as a person, OK? You will also have to decide whether the good stuff outweighs the bad (I have an 80/20 rule, the relationship must be good at least 80% of the time or else its not right). And to attempt to continue this relationship, you will need 3 things. Godlike patience, understanding, and a VERY strong stomach. Because you will need to understand, in depth, why he did what he did, get all your questions answered, and fully understand where he was coming from (don't have to accept it, mind, just understand).

My 2 cents; his cheating stems from erectile dysfunction, which is why he couldn't sleep with the other woman despite wanting to, and I suspect why he strayed initially. He is internally blaming you for this, but he's getting old and hasn't accepted it yet.

I hope you heal. Sending lots of love and bravery. 🖤🖤🖤

Pherian · 26/10/2024 13:36

If you really want to know I’d ask her. Just remember it takes two to tango and being rude and angry with her will not benefit the conversation you want to have if you do.

Send her a message and tell her you know about the affair. Ask her if she would be willing to give you her side of things. Tell her that she was in his phone under a man’s name and all messages were deleted on his side.

She has no reason to lie to you.

I really can’t tell you what to do with him but if he’s doing this then he clearly didn’t respect you or the relationship.

If you can’t trust him do you want to spend your time with someone like that ?

Arlanymor · 26/10/2024 13:40

He's been lying to you for six months, whatever they did, and personally I wouldn't be able to get past that (which I think is the right response to be honest). He also tried to blame it on you, which is gross. Honestly, put this fish back into the sea, he's not the catch for you and I am so sorry, it's hard I know.

BoldAmberDuck · 26/10/2024 14:47

Very easy to say dump him and move on. In reality it’s much harder.finances, children, family etc and a very strong pull to stay. I know. I did it for 15 years

Emmz1510 · 26/10/2024 15:36

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but does it really matter?! He’s admitted to kissing and fondling her (urgh), I’m afraid that would be enough for me. To do what? I don’t know. It’s up to you whether you want to leave him or try to make things work, but he’s been unfaithful whether they had full sex or not. Although the fact you can’t trust him to be completely honest is another reason why the relationship is probably over.

Littlesandjoolz · 26/10/2024 16:17

Jesus christ, if they didn't have sex its only because she didn't want to and wouldn't give in to his pestering. Of course he wants to build the trust back up now he's been found out. Didnt come clean though did he. He's a disgusting sleaze and anyone deserves better than him. Whats he going to do if you are unwell and can't have sex? He didn't even look further than your neighbour, how disprectful. I would also bet my last fiver there are others.

Weyohweyoh · 26/10/2024 16:24

You will never know the truth because he has already proved he is a liar who can not be trusted. If you stay with him, you will never have peace of mind again. It’s a horrible way to live, believe me. You deserve better.

MsDogLady · 26/10/2024 18:20

So for 6 months he was having foreplay, and probably full sex, with your friend and neighbor?? @Iamdyinghere, that is a horrific double betrayal. These self-serving snakes clearly couldn’t care less about humiliating you.

His blaming you for his unethical actions is really low, as you weren’t responsible for protecting his fidelity. In truth, he created distance between you because he was investing elsewhere. Even if he did have issues, he had other appropriate options to use to deal with them.

@Iamdyinghere, this sneaky cheating deceiver isn’t the man you believed him to be. And he is certainly not your friend. I hope you will soon make an exit plan because a life full of mistrust and anxiety would be an utter misery.

FinallyHere · 26/10/2024 18:23

Does he even want to be with me?

Go yourself a favour, this is not the question to be concerned with. why would you want to be with someone else is behaving like this ?

Dig deep, find your self respect, throw this one back and get on with your life. It's going to be so much better without this excuse for a man. .

suburberphobe · 26/10/2024 18:25

he tells me that he started seeing this woman, who incidentally is my friend and my neighbor

Double betrayal, fuck them both off and move to the other side of town, or country.

Fuck them.

9 years? What a wanker. Be thankful you found out before having kids.

Pinkissmart · 26/10/2024 18:31

like others are saying- it doesnt matter if he physically put bits of himself inside someone else.

Has he been respectful to you and your relationship ?

This is the ONLY question you need to ask yourself? If the answer is ‘no’ he needs to go

Foleyator · 26/10/2024 18:39

Iamdyinghere · 22/10/2024 12:23

I really need some advice. Been with my fiance for nine years, and loving every minute of it. Never been so happy in my entire life and he apparently felt/feels the same.

So, three weeks ago I accidentally see a guy's name on his WhatsApp with no content in the chat. So coming from two very toxic relationships, I ask him if he has saved a woman by a man's name, and been deleting the messages so I wouldn't catch on. He admits this.

A bit of background - I noticed that we weren't having intimate time as frequently as we had in the past, say between once and four times a month, but being more on the senior side, I felt that maybe he was having trouble in the downstairs, and wasn't going to put more pressure on him.

Back to now, he tells me that he started seeing this woman, who incidentally is my friend and my neighbor, because I wasn't having enough sex with him. What a shocker. So he tells me that they have been meeting up for about six months, which I think it might be more, but that they had only been kissing and fondling. Oh dear God, I can't even think about this without feeling as though I'm going to have a panic attack.

Never had sex. He wanted to and tried to, even sent her songs with words of how he wanted her to be with her, but he says they never had sex.

I asked him to prove it, which he can't, because he deleted their chats after sending messages. So, I've got to just believe it?

Does he even want to be with me? Has he fallen out of love with me? He says he made a mistake and that he wants to rebuild the trust we had in each other, but how do I move on if I don't know if he's lying to me about the sex. Because that's a big thing. I don't know if I would stay to build the relationship up again, if they had been having sex.

I desperately want to believe that to be true, because I think I could move past that, but I need to know because I cannot one day find out that they had sex and that it was more than just wanting to have sex. Because I mean, kissing someone once is a mistake, but seeing someone for six months, more than 20 times, is a totally different story.

Hey there,
@Iamdyinghere
sorry I’m not sure how this works I tried to message privately but I just wanted to say you are a caring and good person that seems to have your morals intact. These are qualities that you either have or you don’t, I know people can change but even writing this post shows who you are. I have been cheated on and it hurts so much especially when you think everything is going well with that person. And since it happened to me I cannot tell
you how freeing it is once you get through that awful period of the break up and personally I never even was strong enough to end it even after knowing some absolutely awful details of what the person I was with was doing. Luckily she fell for that guy and left me. Which was even harder at the time but now 6 years later I’m so glad that happened because if not I would’ve held onto that relationship and never been happy. There is a light at the end and you don’t want to live with someone once you find out what you have. I’ll ask this - if he said I’m going away for work for a week, would you be thinking about what he’s going to do? Would you be ringing in the evenings and if he doesn’t answer thinking in detail what he’s doing because I would and I did. It was hell. In a way, like a drug though, when you know what’s happening but can’t believe it and they come back to you after that week get physical tell you they love you it feels great. It’s toxic, it’s no way to live. It’s not much different to stimulants, a class drugs and in my experience even harder. I never was able to say no. 7 year relationship and I caught her cheating but atleast 6 months after I knew if she was to call and ask me to come see her I wouldn’t think twice, even after everything! It’s so hard to see now but trust me please. If you’re like me and feel like you aren’t strong enough to call it. Do whatever you can so that they dont want you. I currently have my problems for sure. They’re my problems due to me and no one else is dictating who I am and how I should be. I am so lucky that I caught her that day otherwise I could’ve had a child or got married like I thought we both wanted. A child is a blessing but I’m lucky it didn’t happen at that time and now I have a choice. I never want to feel like I know you do every second of everyday because you don’t trust the person you love the most. I’m not good at writing so I can imagine this won’t be read but I really feel for you but I’d like you to know the hard end sometimes can be the beginning of something beautiful x

YerArseInParsley · 27/10/2024 02:53

Iamdyinghere · 22/10/2024 12:45

RavenA, thank you, yes, you are right. It's not just upping and going. I suppose I want to know if I'm being naive, because I so badly want to believe him. Were you able to get back on track?

Hi @Iamdyinghere it's interesting the only person u have replied to is the 1 person that hasn't told u to leave him.

If he had sx with her not is irrelevant, he has an emotional attachment to this woman as well as a sxual one. He didn't come to u and confess, he told u because he asked. This would have carried on (and may well still be going on) if u hadn't confronted him. I don't believe they haven't bumped uglies, he's only saying that cause he thinks it doesn't sound so bad.

Blaming his affair ON YOU is disgusting, he's disrespected u again with that comment. I'd speak to the neighbour for further answers but only u can decide where u go from here.

BlastedPimples · 27/10/2024 04:59

What a revolting little man.

Sceptical123 · 27/10/2024 05:43

You’ve noticed sex tapering off which implies it isn’t from your end, but he’s used that to justify seeking it elsewhere. He does know you’re not the one designated to initiate each and every time doesn’t he, the poor, innocent little lamb 🙄 I’m sure he wouldn’t have gone to all that trouble with the phones business if he knew 🤔

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2024 08:38

My 2 cents; his cheating stems from erectile dysfunction, which is why he couldn't sleep with the other woman despite wanting to

Sometimes, men find their ED is temporarily cured by the novelty of a new woman. It depends what the cause of the ED is.

OP, I'm afraid I agree with the others who say that, if his reason for straying was a lack of sex at home, it is highly unlikely that he hasn't had sex with this woman, especially after 6 months of foreplay. It's also highly unlikely that if she is so attracted to him that she is willing to engage in 6 months of foreplay, she was also completely unwilling to have sex with him.

Logically, it just doesn't make sense.

I discovered my exh had an affair. He als0 tried to tell me it wasn't physical (at all!) until I'd kicked him out. I decided that it didn't really matter; that it was a waste of time trying to ascertain the 'truth' and that what I had was bad enough to end it. It's far easier than arguing with your own head about minutiae.

And, once the dust had settled, I realised that, of course, they'd had sex. Why have an affair otherwise?

Given what he has admitted to, I can't see that actual piv would make much difference. They have clearly both sexually aroused and satisfied each other. What difference does it make where he ejaculated?

Channellingsophistication · 27/10/2024 08:48

You want to believe him about what? That they didnt have sex? I don’t see what difference it makes, he wanted to and would have, she presumably didnt. He was quite happy to cheat with a friend and neighbour under your nose for 6 months! That takes some doing! How long might it have gone on…

Unless he is absolutely devastated and destroyed by what he has done to you and begging you to forgive him, there is no point forgiving him as he will do it again next time he feels like it. Why wouldnt he?

Have you not wanted to marry him as you’ve been together 9 years and engaged and not married ?

I’m sorry you are going through this, its devasting for you, but better to end now and move on than having to end it in years to come because he has cheated again, when you may be married and have children. It will be much harder then.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 27/10/2024 09:48

If your fiancé is trying to have sex with another woman, the intention is there. That's bad enough. Please leave him. Edited bc I'd forgotten the OP and thought he was your DH.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2024 11:24

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/10/2024 12:54

I thought I had a zero tolerance policy, until it happened. If we weren't married with kids though he would have been long gone. He will do this again without doubt. Please don't subject yourself to this misery and doubt, kick him out.

What has happened since how did you move forward?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/10/2024 12:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2024 11:24

What has happened since how did you move forward?

Show quote history

We're having counselling. Honestly though, I don't think forward is really the word. I think we're trying to go round it but it's just broken everything, underneath. I think it just has shown the kind of man he is and I'm so sad that that's the kind of man I've ended up with. But the signs were there and it's 100% on me for not leaving him the first time he showed me who he was.

Imisssleep2 · 27/10/2024 14:48

Personally don't believe him about the no sex but even if it hasn't happened he has still cheated in my eyes and if that was me I don't think I would be able to trust him again if that was me.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 27/10/2024 20:30

The only reason he is saying he made a mistake is because he got caught. He was happy to continue this until you challenged him.

He has absolutely zero respect for you. I would in all honesty end things!

MsDogLady · 27/10/2024 21:21

@Iamdyinghere, how are things going for you now?