Christmas Day disagreement

[Airdreams]

Been with DH over 10 years, have DC(9). Prior to DH I always had Christmas Day with a particular aunt & cousin as my family live across the other side of the world. Parents deceased, no siblings, only aunts, uncles & cousins and their families on both sides spread around the world.

We’ve had Christmas day with SIL & her DH, DNiece, FIL, SIL’s PIL, and us ( so, 9 of us) for the past 10 years. Since we got married my aunt & cousin haven’t invited us for Christmas Day but now aunt has invited us to them (4 hours drive away and we are already visiting them 20-24 Dec).

When I told DH he was silent, then said what would you like to do and I replied I’d like accept, and he turned and continued watching tv and never said another word. This morning he got up, showered and left the house without even actually seeing him or saying goodbye.

WTAF? Do I not matter? Does the very little family I have not matter? It’s normal to alternate each side of the family when you are married, is it not? Or stay at home and start your own traditions when you have DC etc.

SIL is a spoilt and controlling person and highly likely to have a hissy fit so I do think he would fear telling her that we will be spending Christmas Day with my family this year, and this could actually be behind his response. In his family his parents and him seem to be scared of saying no to her etc and tiptoe around what she wants/says.

An I in the wrong for wanting to consider this invite? I know aunt & cousin is different to visiting actual PIL but they are the only family I have in England and my DP’s are deceased (DM only a few months ago).

Also, DH has been getting sick of going to his DSis for Christmas Day when he realised how nice it was to stay at home with DC on the year that Covid said we couldn’t mix at Christmas, plus DC has grumbled increasingly over the years about having to drop all his gifts and get ready at 12noon to head to in-laws.

Am I so very wrong? I feel quite hurt and angry.

Why don’t you invite them all to you?

My mum had always had my grandparents at Christmas, when I left home I only had one grandparent left so I saw it as my turn to invite my parents and grandparents to me, and give my mum the day off

go to your Aunt. If your DH really must spend every christmas with his sister, for whatever reason, that is a him problem. Ask DC where they want to go.

And then alternate: one year your family, one year at your home, one year at his family, one year at your home etc etc.

I got very tired, VERY quickly, of having to do things i didn't want to so i stopped doing them.

Not unreasonable not to want to spend every Xmas day at SiL’s.

If you had arranged 20-24th at your relatives’ 4 hours away and had already agreed to go to SiL’s on xmas day again this year then it’s unreasonable of you to change that.

If you hadn’t yet agreed to go to SiL’s, not unreasonable to want to stay at your relatives’ until boxing day IMO.

DH’s response of stonewalling wasn’t OK.

Sounds like the choice is Christmas with your family or Christmas at home on a solo basis.

Personally I'd think that 4 days with your Aunt and Niece was probably enough. I'd be making it no more than 4 days away.

But it sounds like neither you nor DS want to spend Christmas Day with SIL so why not pop around on Boxing Day.

It’s normal to alternate each side of the family when you are married, is it not? Or stay at home and start your own traditions when you have DC etc.

It's completely normal to do this. And it's October. It's not like you are springing it on him or his family in Christmas week. Presume he usually gets his way on everything ?

Hang on...are you already both at aunt's for four days? So you've been invited to stay the extra day to include Christmas? That sounds nice 😊 DH's response of stonewalling you sounds quite odd. Does he feel that the four days is long enough perhaps? I mean his response is obvious appalling either way.

Do you normally see your aunt for the 20-24th then see his family for the 25th onwards?

Honestly if your SIL is as bad as you make out it makes sense he's a bit tense about the possible fall out - however I'm not sure that in any way needs a silent treatment - surely he could have just said "oh SIL will have a hissy fit, best think how we can sort it" rather than go silent.

If your child also doesn't want to do the normal routine, even more reason not to - it's no fun at his age to have to be carted off for forced family fun with extended relatives (especially if highly strung!).

I think it’s lovely to take them up on the invite but a week visiting someone else at Christmas is too much. Dh often springs his family on me for Christmas (as in they come to us and we host), and what’s meant to be 3 days magically ends up being 7.

I think it’s the change in plans and sudden extension of the visit (I assume to the 26th?). That’s a long time to be staying at someone’s over Christmas. Especially when it means probably having to face the wrath of breaking plans with his side of the family.

I would discuss shortening the visit, maybe go up on 23rd/24th instead. I would probably have a breakdown if Dh sprung a week with his family over Christmas on me and probably wouldn’t handle it very maturely either.

Is it not possible to invite everyone to you? With the exception of SIL's parents obviously.
It does sound like it is your 'turn'. SIL is a spoilt and controlling person, yet you have coped with her hosting for 10 years!
If SiL and family refuse, that is down to them.
Surely DC would enjoy Christmas at home?

Your DH doesn't sound much better than his sister tbh. Whatever his feelings about spending Christmas elsewhere this year, his reaction would have been shameful in a 6yo. I would go ahead and make arrangements with my family if I were you. If he wanted the opportunity to discuss it like an adult he should have done so instead of stropping off like a toddler.

I've lived in the UK for 35 years and what's left of my family is on the other side of the world...I don't see them that often (through choice).

When I married my husband - large local family - I made it clear that we wouldn't be spending every Christmas with his family just because I don't have any here. We alternated staying at home/his family for the 15 years we were together. If any of his family had a problem with it, they had the sense not to say anything...

I think it's high time you get to spend Christmas where/with whom you want.

WTAF? Do I not matter? Does the very little family I have not matter?

You and your family matter much, much less to him than the fall out from his family if he doesn't dance to their tune. The fact he is stonewalling you rather than explaining/admitting says a lot.

Am I in the wrong for wanting to consider this invite?

Do you feel you could ask him that?

What's he like in general in your relationship?

After years of seeing DH's family at christmas for various reasons, we are with my family this year and I can't wait. Not that I don't like his family, or christmas with them, I'm just excited to spend christmas with my family and shake things up a bit.

he is being v unreasonable not to at least have a conversation with you about this.

I never understand the drama that Christmas can cause. Why is spending the 25th of December with a relative so much more important than spending say, the 23rd or 27th? You can eat the same food, play the same games, open the same presents …
You should spend the day with whoever you want to OP, sounds like a lovely extended invite after losing your DM so recently.
SIL and the rest of DH’s family will just have to lump it!

I feel like everyone's focussing very hard on whether or not the OP's plans for Christmas are reasonable.
Honestly, that's not what this is about to me. The real issue isn't where they should celebrate Christmas. It's how the OP and her husband are handling conflict and differences of opinion. Which is probably an underlying problem, given the OP's reaction.

Does your husband usually react this way? Does he shut down and show his discontent by ignoring you?
What's happening in the communication between you two, to illicit such a response from him? Are you already on the defense when you have to bring something up with him, because you fear his reaction? Are you stating your plans, or are you having an open discussion with him? Does he get easily triggered when he's put in an uncomfortable situation, like having to say no to his sister?

This is much bigger than just Christmas.

Could this be because it's the first Christmas since his DM died more than anything?

No, you are not in the wrong for wanting to consider this invitation to your aunt, and to discuss it with your DH.

He is completely in the wrong for giving you the silent huffy treatment over it.

If you all want to spend it together, invite everyone to yours.🙂

Its the first Christmas since OPs mum died the way i read it. I can't see her mother in law mentioned. Can you clarify @Airdreams?

I can only say that I could have written a version of this post, so you have my sympathy. It is not wrong to want to spend Christmas with your family for once, and your DH will need to man up and tell his family that for this year, you’ll be elsewhere.

My DH is perhaps not quite as bad, but he does come from a family where they are used to hosting everyone and his mother is quite clear she would like us there every year. This gets complicated when one considers my parents are divorced, and Mum is now widowed from her second marriage, so we have three sets of ageing parents to try to juggle.

For years, we had to have Christmas with his family in case it was his aunt’s last (she had cancer for some years) and my family were more than generous in understanding and not giving me crap for neglecting them. His sister in particular would lay a massive guilt trip on him if he ever dared to suggest we might have other obligations.

And now we are in a horrible position where DH feels that because his sister is dead, he has to be with his parents like we were last year, while I feel that Mum as a widow has just as good a claim, if not more so, because she was on her own last year. I’m just fortunate my golden half-sister has produced a new grandson so Dad won’t be pushing for us to be with them this year.

I am not sure how our Christmas is going to work out, but I do know that it’s a decision we will take together and it will involve some compromise. And that I would expect DH to be able to tell his parents that for once, we will be elsewhere, as that is intuitively the right thing for us to do this year. Your DH may not enjoy the prospect of telling SIL that you will be with your side of the family this year, but it is the decent thing to do when things have been so unbalanced between your families for so long.

I think his behaviour is appalling. Sulking and not talking to you because you’ve suggested something that doesn’t align with his wishes. Is he like this about other things?

All discussed and we are going to my family. We will stay in a hotel initially and then stay with them for Christmas Eve / night and come home Boxing Day. DH is happy with this and will let his DSis know.

However, DS(9) has had a massive tantrum because he says he wants to stay at home. Then he started being really rude and mean about my aunt & cousin (who he knows and usually likes seeing). I can’t bloody win :-(

You're not supposed to 'win' from your child.
You're supposed to raise/educate them.

He doesn't have to like it, agree with you, or approve. You are the parent and you make decisions. Having his approval is irrelevant.
It sounds like you're very concerned with making everyone happy, rather than setting boundaries when people are misbehaving around you.

I'm confused. You say you've spent the last 10 years with your DH's family and prior to marriage with your aunt and cousin. Where was your mother in all of this as you say she passed away only a few months ago?

So why did he treat you so coldly then, @Airdreams ? Did he apologise?