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Original poster

Christmas Day disagreement

37 replies

Airdreams · 22/10/2024 09:03

Been with DH over 10 years, have DC(9). Prior to DH I always had Christmas Day with a particular aunt & cousin as my family live across the other side of the world. Parents deceased, no siblings, only aunts, uncles & cousins and their families on both sides spread around the world.

We’ve had Christmas day with SIL & her DH, DNiece, FIL, SIL’s PIL, and us ( so, 9 of us) for the past 10 years. Since we got married my aunt & cousin haven’t invited us for Christmas Day but now aunt has invited us to them (4 hours drive away and we are already visiting them 20-24 Dec).

When I told DH he was silent, then said what would you like to do and I replied I’d like accept, and he turned and continued watching tv and never said another word. This morning he got up, showered and left the house without even actually seeing him or saying goodbye.

WTAF? Do I not matter? Does the very little family I have not matter? It’s normal to alternate each side of the family when you are married, is it not? Or stay at home and start your own traditions when you have DC etc.

SIL is a spoilt and controlling person and highly likely to have a hissy fit so I do think he would fear telling her that we will be spending Christmas Day with my family this year, and this could actually be behind his response. In his family his parents and him seem to be scared of saying no to her etc and tiptoe around what she wants/says.

An I in the wrong for wanting to consider this invite? I know aunt & cousin is different to visiting actual PIL but they are the only family I have in England and my DP’s are deceased (DM only a few months ago).

Also, DH has been getting sick of going to his DSis for Christmas Day when he realised how nice it was to stay at home with DC on the year that Covid said we couldn’t mix at Christmas, plus DC has grumbled increasingly over the years about having to drop all his gifts and get ready at 12noon to head to in-laws.

Am I so very wrong? I feel quite hurt and angry.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 26/10/2024 03:19

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 26/10/2024 03:06

So why did he treat you so coldly then, @Airdreams ? Did he apologise?

Good question. The fact he's agreed now doesn't make his response ok. He stonewalled and shut you out, you need to find out why and make it clear that's a boundary he can't cross again.

kkloo · 26/10/2024 03:53

When I told DH he was silent, then said what would you like to do and I replied I’d like accept, and he turned and continued watching tv and never said another word. This morning he got up, showered and left the house without even actually seeing him or saying goodbye.

Does he often behave like that? What an odd response if he was going to go along with it anyway a day later.

Harrumphhhh · 26/10/2024 04:12

kkloo · 26/10/2024 03:53

When I told DH he was silent, then said what would you like to do and I replied I’d like accept, and he turned and continued watching tv and never said another word. This morning he got up, showered and left the house without even actually seeing him or saying goodbye.

Does he often behave like that? What an odd response if he was going to go along with it anyway a day later.

This is what stood out to me too. I was really confused by all the posters commenting about Christmas. The sulking is a much bigger issue! Have you spoken about that too, OP?

BiscottiToffee · 26/10/2024 04:17

ginasevern · 24/10/2024 12:56

I'm confused. You say you've spent the last 10 years with your DH's family and prior to marriage with your aunt and cousin. Where was your mother in all of this as you say she passed away only a few months ago?

The OP clearly states that other family are other side of the world.

So entirely possible that they never spent Christmas together.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2024 05:14

When I told DH he was silent, then said what would you like to do and I replied I’d like accept, and he turned and continued watching tv and never said another word. This morning he got up, showered and left the house without even actually seeing him or saying goodbye.

SIL isn't the inky controlling one if you accept this as normal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2024 05:15

Only FFS

Isthisreasonable · 26/10/2024 05:36

So your dc has never had a xmas at home? I think you need to address that, even if it's not this year. Being at home for Xmas is a bigger thing for a child than you might imagine IME.

Are you ok with dc reaching adulthood with no memories of a xmas spent at home? If you alternated between Aunt/home/ILs at least they'd get 3 home xmases before uni.

lifesrichpageant · 26/10/2024 06:07

what is not normal about all of this is your DH response! Is he a toddler? I don't understand? Can he not have an adult conversation?

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2024 08:20

Girlmom35 · 24/10/2024 12:11

You're not supposed to 'win' from your child.
You're supposed to raise/educate them.

He doesn't have to like it, agree with you, or approve. You are the parent and you make decisions. Having his approval is irrelevant.
It sounds like you're very concerned with making everyone happy, rather than setting boundaries when people are misbehaving around you.

Show quote history

Bags of Christmas spirit in this post. Why do we expect more from our children then from adults? I'd hate someone to make me go away for Christmas.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/10/2024 08:46

Can you shorten the time away before Xmas for the kids sake .
As and adult o wouldn’t what to be away that long before hand in a hotel when i could be at home
.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/10/2024 08:47

Isthisreasonable · 26/10/2024 05:36

So your dc has never had a xmas at home? I think you need to address that, even if it's not this year. Being at home for Xmas is a bigger thing for a child than you might imagine IME.

Are you ok with dc reaching adulthood with no memories of a xmas spent at home? If you alternated between Aunt/home/ILs at least they'd get 3 home xmases before uni.

I agree Xmas at home next year …
Also op why don’t you do a wee mini Xmas at home when you return start your family traditions before it’s too late and the kids are grown up

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2024 08:53

Since we got married my aunt & cousin haven’t invited us for Christmas Day

Have you invited them to yours?

If you’re already at here 20-24, does your husband maybe think staying another 2 days will be too much? He needs to tell you what his thinking though, not sulk.

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