Impossible to discuss DW's behaviour with her

[Spacedhazed]

My wife becomes incredibly defensive when I / anyone says anything she deems critical. She wont bother to listen but will immediately start attacking & defending herself.
It's gotten to the stage where I prefer to say nothing just to keep the peace.

However, over the past two weeks she has gotten into a completely unnecessary argument with a family friend, and last week, she had a moan at our children, for something that wasn't their fault.

When I tried to discuss her interaction with the children she became defensive. I changed the conversation but I am feeling incredibly fed up that I am not able to discuss anything with her, for fear of upset her.

I have reached the conclusion that it's better not to say anything but this is slowly wearing me down and I'm feeling frustrated at how much of a grind our marriage has become.

WWYD

We have a lot of stresses in our lives, she has more than her fair share. It's not easy for her.

Neither of your examples are things I would worry about. Maybe she’s just not happy being married to you anymore?

It’s really important you don’t take it personally, and rise back at her. It sounds as though you have that under control, which is good.

Can you try pushing back with humour- either before she starts, when it’s something predictable, or after? Because you are sad and frustrated about her behaviour it’s hard to see the funny side. But actually you can defuse it when you don’t take it personally!

my dad used to call mum things like, the Queen of Sheba, the chief fairy, she who must be obeyed.
You could say something like ‘Look out kids, Mumboss is upset! Billy, get her a footstool and give her a shoulder rub while I organise a cup of tea/glass of wine!’.
When she moans about the pasta, ‘oh no, madam is disappointed in the menu! Je suis desole! I shall do better tomorrow- snails and frog legs with garlic and truffles?!’

It highlights the ridiculousness of her complaint without joining in the negativity.

We absolutely do know what we are doing! I can feel myself about to snap or be short tempered and make every effort not to be that way as it's not fair on my family

I’m not excusing her passive aggressiveness but just on those examples you gave about meals, I’d hazard a bet that she thinks she has been given all the responsibility for coming up with interesting meals for the DC and bears the brunt of them moaning. She doesn’t want to be asked ‘what shall we eat?’ by you (as this is just asking her to take on the mental load), she would like you to come up with a new idea. She felt defensive with the kids moaning at her about the food and in her eyes, at least she’d come up with a suggestion rather than dad who just opted out.

have a think about all of the domestic duties and the full ‘mental load’. Can you sit down with your wife and just chat about how you should divide up these chores and any changes to make?

People getting defensive when you try to talk to them isn't great and I would also find that annoying. But I am struggling to see a huge issue here. She gets snappy roughly once a week, and by the sounfs of it, shes a bit tored/weary/snappy not hugely aggressive or unpleasant. And in the 2 examples you gve, she was clearly annoyed at you, NOT the dc.

Both are also linked to food. So it might well.be she's exhausted from.being chief food decider. But that might just he a co-incidence.

Incidentally, when the children were whining about the restaurant choice why didnt you strp in ans tell them to stop? In a situation like that my DH would say something like "hey, this is a nice meal, we alla greed to try this restaurant, why are you complaining?"

That's horrible, though - sarcastic, mocking and cruel, under the guise of "oh but I was only having a laugh! Can't you take a joke?"

It's no way to treat your partner, and definitely not behaviour you want to model for the kids.

I agree with a previous poster here, it may well be the mental load isn't being shared fairly. The mental load is largely invisible and something some couples don't know how to talk about. A lot of women feel it should just fall to them somehow (culture seems to encourage it) but they also know it isn't right but don't know how to sit down and divide it fairly with their partner, or feels their partner wouldn't understand. And so resentment builds up over the years. It's really important to sit down and discuss who does what, including all the planning and worrying about stuff (kids' medical appointments, playdates, activities outside school, homework, school events, bedtime routines, shopping, getting kids ready for school, meal planning, cleaning up after meals, birthdays and buying gifts, looking after children's emotional needs, arranging holidays, family events), all those hundreds of little tasks - planning and executing. It can be endless.

It must depend how it reads then.

It really wasn’t, in person, perhaps because it came from love. Though my mum is perhaps not the norm. My dad was a star. How he kept his sense of humour, I’ll never know.

My husband could probably write this post to be honest. I'm at burnout, doing a stressful full time job, all life admin for the kids and household, doing everything in the home, and taking every light criticism in the house as a personal attack because it's making me feel even more unappreciated. I'm just bloody done. I've had conversations with husband about stepping up but it's still like pulling teeth. He needs to be prompted to do absolutely anything, notice anything and wanting a pat on the back for doing one thing. But he sure notices my mood. I'm aware I'm not the nicest at the moment but I'm sick to the back teeth of everything. The criticism about the restaurant for me would have felt like why bother, it's another thing unappreciated. The dinner would have been more along the lines of please just make something, she doesn't have to love it.
My whole post could be a massive stretch and your home situation isn't the same and your wife is just being a cow but take a sec and think it over first. Its not nice for you either on the end of it but you need to make sure you're not adding to it because my husband isn't getting it even after being told straight up
Any other examples as both were quite minimal in my opinion

"What do you want for dinner" is a perfectly reasonable question.

Yes they do

I disagree. It may well be the case in a situation where a couple have a highly collaborative approach to dinner making, but in most cases, I think the person who is responsible for dinner needs to just get on with it and do so in a competent way - ie not serve the same thing 10 times in a row or only serve meals that have little or no nutrition.

I am, in fact, the person responsible for food in our house. I don't ask DH what he wants for dinner. I'm doing the meal so I decide what we are having. I don't want to have to get his view NOR does he want to have to think about it because he's thinking about something else while I'm thinking about dinner. And on the very few occasions he is responsible for dinner, I just want him to get on with it and produce something that is not the same as yesterday, and has nutritional value.

@MrSeptember if you view your relationship as a transaction, sure. But if you actually enjoy your partner and doing things for them then it makes sense to ask what you want. It takes about thirty seconds.

Maybe she's unhappy about the set-up at home? Does she do most of the drudge work? Mind you, if she's arsey with the kids and a family friend too then maybe she has something on her mind that she's worried about?
Have you asked her specifically asked if anything is wrong?

I think the work is fairly divided. She works part time and looks after the house during the work. I do the cleaning / cooking on the weekend and the cooking 1 weekday.
I look after most of the life admin and other boring stuff. I feel I do my share.

Regardless of male / female, menopause or not, this behaviour trains you to not challenge them. OP says,

''It's gotten to the stage where I prefer to say nothing just to keep the peace.''

I had a parent like this and it got worse and worse. Life trying to keep them 'happy' was an endless tip toe, breath holding, nerve shredding nightmare. It was like living with a hand grenade on the coffee table.

I don't really have any advice. I moved to the other side of the country but obviously that option isn't suitable for everyone. Anyone who can easily leave, it's by far the quickest and most effective way to get this shit out of your life.

Look up perimenopause. She's not too young - symptoms start 10 years before.

Oh come on. Let's not try to find really odd excuses whenever a woman is criticised. Peri-menopause in early 30s is highly unusual.

Sometimes women (and men) just are difficult. I think relationship counselling is needed here, not excuse making.

you feel you do your share - has she said anything to say if she agrees/disagrees with that.

What about the fact that this is not a constant thing. Do you really think she needs to be super upbeat all the time? What did you do when the kids were complaining about the restaurant? Did you have her back? How many times in a row have you made pasta?

@saraclara
Op said late 30's not early, and late 30's is when my peri symptoms started.

Hello OP, it is hard to get the full picture based on just few of your posts, but reading your original post reminded me of my marriage. Not being able to communicate with your partner due to them getting defensive is very hard and will eventually kill the relationship.

I tried for years to have normal conversation with my husband, but after a while decided, like you did, it's not worth it and would keep quiet. Twenty five years later I suddenly realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life living like that, and I left him. I am not saying you should leave your wife, no. What I am saying is, if this does not change, you will have to leave her or spend the rest of your life feeling miserable. Good luck OP!

We? I can speak for myself thanks and actually there are times my brain completely fails me and words won’t come and I’m completely flat lining and have very little control. Other times I’m articulate and intelligent.

Saying that the DW here sound like a git.

I’ve seen posts by women who get that kind of response. Especially if their Op is as vague as this one or if the Op seems unreasonable. There is a thread right now from a woman posting about how her son has gone no contact with her and people have posted wondering what his side of the story is and what he would say about the matter.

Seriously, if you want to portray women on mumsnet as discriminating against men, get your facts straight instead of making general sweeping statements based on assumptions.

Ok, being defensive over the children not liking the place she picked to eat isn’t a huge crime (I would probably raise an eyebrow if my partner said that but would ultimately let it slide), but if this is happening a lot, then it’s understandable to be concerned about what the underlying issue is.

Is she feeling unappreciated? Is she feeling like the kids like you more than her? Are you the fun parent and she has fallen into the role of the parent who does the discipline (good cop bad cop routine)? Could she be feeling disconnected from you? Do you both actually still like and love each other?

Your two examples seem to show a kind of build up of resentment. Try to see the underlining issue.