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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No idea what to do

35 replies

trappt · 21/10/2024 21:07

Married for 10+ years, 3 children. I went part time after my 2nd was born and left work before the 3rd with a plan to freelance. Husband is a high earner (I can't get any childcare hours etc) but a large part is channeled into pension / medical insurances etc, so take home pay only just covers mortgage, bills etc.

I pay for all groceries and everything for children - clothes, hobbies, clubs, after school club etc.

Freelancing hasn't been a huge success and I've had to try and work while my 3rd is at home for the first two years which has obviously been limiting.

Husband has become increasingly fixated on how I'm not earning enough and telling me we can't afford to live etc etc. But he sneers and snarls at me if I suggest getting a job (I am educated and was succesful before kids). His work is full on, he is never here, often away for weeks at at a time, flying around business class to amazing places and doing nice things), he has no idea what goes into looking after three children.

He won't help me with any kind of stability in terms of helping with school pick up/ drop off/ working from home etc. I feel completely trapped. I can't think of a job I could possibly do given my responsibiltiies here and he will not have a sensible conversation with me. Just tells me I need to earn a lot more money. He wants me to do this whilst remaining 100% responsible for everything at home and with the children.

I have no family help and no support. I feel like a single parent. Home is miserable when he is here as he complains constantly that we don't have any money. He won't let us enjoy anything, everything is overshadowed by finances and his disappointment in me and our lifestyle.

A few weeks ago I lost my composure, got really upset, told him how I felt and he stormed off shouting 'earn some fucking money then' at me.

Don't even know the point of this post other than that I have no idea where to turn or what to do. I feel like I've been so incredibly naive and haven't seen the reality of what is happening and now I've made everything a total mess I can't see a good way out of.

OP posts:
DurinsBane · 21/10/2024 21:14

If you can’t get any free childcare he must be earning over 100k after pension payments, as you get tax relief on them. So unless you have a massive mortgage I don’t see how he can complain there isn’t enough money…. But that is by the by. He wants you to earn money but doesn’t want you to get an employed job? Is he expecting you to find some magic beans or a money tree then?

Julietta05 · 21/10/2024 21:24

I totally get what you say. It is very easy to get to this point. It is a process that takes long time, one day you look in the mirror and you are completely different person.
I know you have tried to talk to him but would it be possible to speak to him not during the argument but whilst things are calm and explain or even ask what will you pick up?

Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:25

I don’t understand how he doesn’t have enough to pay mortgage and bills and still be comfortable. Our mortgage is not huge although it did go up recently.

He won’t take on any responsibility for the children to enable me to get a job. He will not change his lifestyle to enable me to earn proper money. But he insists I earn more money. I can’t seem to get a sensible answer out of him about how he thinks I can do this.

i am not some lazy person sitting here spending all his money. My clothes are second hand, I shop really frugally. I work as much as I can and have done since my 3rd was weeks old. I just don’t understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:26

@Julietta05 this is it. I can’t believe how things have worked out. I feel so preposterously naive.

OP posts:
Yvawn · 21/10/2024 21:30

Do you like your husband? He sounds horrible and I would not want to stay married to him.

Illpickthatup · 21/10/2024 21:32

He's being ridiculous. Tell him that you're going to start an OnlyFans page as that's the only option really that will allow you to still do all the housework and all the childcare.

Do you have access to his bank accounts and visibility of the spending. If not I would ask him for that. It seems odd that he earns so much yet claims to be skint. Something isn't right and I feel like he's probably spending money on things he shouldn't and projecting onto you, claiming you not earning enough is the problem.

Madamswearsalot · 21/10/2024 21:33

First point of order - you haven’t made everything a total mess. You’ve formed a life with someone you thought would have your back and would support you as you go through the early stage of parenting together. He has fallen far short of those expectations and Is behaving appallingly.

You could try to work with your H to find a solution that enables you and him to live the life that meets his expectations. To do that he needs to participate in the planning and execution of the plan. He also needs to demonstrate flexibility in considering the best approach to achieve what he wants.

From what you’ve written, it sounds unlikely that it’ll be successful because he’s an abusive twat. But, you may feel that you need to give it a go in order to feel you gave it your best shot.

I think the reality is something that you’re starting to wake up to - that your life with him is not what you thought it would be. He is not who you thought he was. Once the shock of that subsides, you can start to work out a plan that best suits you and your DC. That may not include him in the picture.

I’m not advocating that you turn and run but I think it’s time that you start processing your grief at a relationship gone wrong and start to put yourself first. A way forward will hopefully become clear.

Julietta05 · 21/10/2024 21:34

Steve Bartlett once said that contempt is good predictor of broken marriage and I think k that is the case here.

Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:35

I have put up with a lot and kept quiet. I just wanted a nice life for my children and thought he was a really great man. I always thought I was lucky he’d have me. Recently this stuff has really shaken how I feel about it all, about everything. I feel completely stupid and really vulnerable. I have nothing - no money, no job, no life beyond the house. I do
everything on my own - days out, weekends etc. And I love looking after my children, I don’t regret it or resent it at all - but to find out he sees me as having not contributed enough and as some kind of disappointment has broken my heart honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:37

He is devoted to his image. Everyone adores him. No one would have a clue what life is like here. I don’t think anyone in real life would even believe me.

OP posts:
Yvawn · 21/10/2024 21:38

It sounds very lonely being married to him.

Yvawn · 21/10/2024 21:39

People will believe you if you tell them. We all know men like him.

AgreeableDragon · 21/10/2024 21:42

I echo other comments, do you have access to the bank accounts? My suspicion is he's spending on others things. Could he be gambling?

You need to find a time for a cards on the table conversation. Get him to work with you on finding a solution to your employment versus the child/house care.

Illpickthatup · 21/10/2024 21:42

Madamswearsalot · 21/10/2024 21:33

First point of order - you haven’t made everything a total mess. You’ve formed a life with someone you thought would have your back and would support you as you go through the early stage of parenting together. He has fallen far short of those expectations and Is behaving appallingly.

You could try to work with your H to find a solution that enables you and him to live the life that meets his expectations. To do that he needs to participate in the planning and execution of the plan. He also needs to demonstrate flexibility in considering the best approach to achieve what he wants.

From what you’ve written, it sounds unlikely that it’ll be successful because he’s an abusive twat. But, you may feel that you need to give it a go in order to feel you gave it your best shot.

I think the reality is something that you’re starting to wake up to - that your life with him is not what you thought it would be. He is not who you thought he was. Once the shock of that subsides, you can start to work out a plan that best suits you and your DC. That may not include him in the picture.

I’m not advocating that you turn and run but I think it’s time that you start processing your grief at a relationship gone wrong and start to put yourself first. A way forward will hopefully become clear.

This. I don't think he has any intention of helping you find a solution. He probably doesn't want you to actually earn more money. He just wants something to moan at you about, to make you feel bad about, to take the light away from him and the fact he's a shit husband and father.

Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:44

Thank you for your replies. It feels strange to write any of this down and I am grateful for the kind responses.

OP posts:
littleburn · 21/10/2024 21:46

If he's that concerned you 'can't afford to live' then he needs to stop channeling huge chunks of his salary into his pension and actually provide for his family. telling you to earn more, snarling at you when you suggest getting a job and refusing to do any parenting or

Illpickthatup · 21/10/2024 21:48

AgreeableDragon · 21/10/2024 21:42

I echo other comments, do you have access to the bank accounts? My suspicion is he's spending on others things. Could he be gambling?

You need to find a time for a cards on the table conversation. Get him to work with you on finding a solution to your employment versus the child/house care.

This. I'd give him an ultimatum. Either he puts all his cards on the table, access to all bank accounts etc. Details of where money so being spent, or you're seeking legal advice. If he is hiding finances from you and refusing to be transparent it's a form of financial abuse. He's using finances to keep you trapped and control you.

littleburn · 21/10/2024 21:48

Posted too soon ... or supporting home life in any way is ridiculous.

teenmaw · 21/10/2024 21:49

Of you broke away from him, on a low salary you'd get help with childcare, hefty maintenance, universal credit top up and every other weekend free with nobody eroding your self esteem and playin you like a maid and a second class citizen in your own home. Just sayin' 🤷🏼‍♀️

OhDearMuriel · 21/10/2024 21:49

Fuck him.

Next time he's home take off somewhere for one week, and let him deal with the lot of it.

Make sure you leave your phone at home where he can see it.

Illpickthatup · 21/10/2024 21:50

littleburn · 21/10/2024 21:46

If he's that concerned you 'can't afford to live' then he needs to stop channeling huge chunks of his salary into his pension and actually provide for his family. telling you to earn more, snarling at you when you suggest getting a job and refusing to do any parenting or

Also, would be interesting to know if he's channeling money into OPs pension as well as his own. Of she's given up work to raise the kids the he should be paying into her pension as well. Given what OP has said about this man I very much doubt he's paying into her pension. He sounds very self-centred.

SatSunMon · 21/10/2024 21:50

He’s not a member of Team Trappt, is having a wonderful luxury life in business class and the high standards his job accords. In short, he hasn’t taken on the role of father or supportive husband. He also sounds mean and fun-sucking, selfish and lacking in empathy for you.
Frankly, you’d be happier and wealthier without him.

Original poster
trappt · 21/10/2024 21:53

He is very proud of his pension pot. I don’t have one (which is embarrassingly stupid i now know, too late!).

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 21/10/2024 21:56

He's setting you up to fail, expecting you to earn more but not supporting you with childcare.

and meanwhile he is obviously stashing away vast sums of money into his pension, which is both tax efficient as it goes into the scheme tax-free, and is a way of syphoning off cash so he doesn't have to use it for the family.

he sounds so deeply unpleasant I'd say divorce him and make sure your settlement includes a ring-fenced portion of his pension fund, plus house, plus a share of whatever assets he has as well.

Opentooffers · 21/10/2024 22:00

Get a SHL then divorce him. Claim the sizeable chunk of his pension that is rightfully yours, and look forward to more cms, based on his large income, than he has probably been willing to put into the family so far. He's been financially abusing his family by the sounds of it. Given his work/lifestyle, I'd guess coke and maybe prostitution- expensive hobbies.