No idea what to do

[trappt]

Married for 10+ years, 3 children. I went part time after my 2nd was born and left work before the 3rd with a plan to freelance. Husband is a high earner (I can't get any childcare hours etc) but a large part is channeled into pension / medical insurances etc, so take home pay only just covers mortgage, bills etc.

I pay for all groceries and everything for children - clothes, hobbies, clubs, after school club etc.

Freelancing hasn't been a huge success and I've had to try and work while my 3rd is at home for the first two years which has obviously been limiting.

Husband has become increasingly fixated on how I'm not earning enough and telling me we can't afford to live etc etc. But he sneers and snarls at me if I suggest getting a job (I am educated and was succesful before kids). His work is full on, he is never here, often away for weeks at at a time, flying around business class to amazing places and doing nice things), he has no idea what goes into looking after three children.

He won't help me with any kind of stability in terms of helping with school pick up/ drop off/ working from home etc. I feel completely trapped. I can't think of a job I could possibly do given my responsibiltiies here and he will not have a sensible conversation with me. Just tells me I need to earn a lot more money. He wants me to do this whilst remaining 100% responsible for everything at home and with the children.

I have no family help and no support. I feel like a single parent. Home is miserable when he is here as he complains constantly that we don't have any money. He won't let us enjoy anything, everything is overshadowed by finances and his disappointment in me and our lifestyle.

A few weeks ago I lost my composure, got really upset, told him how I felt and he stormed off shouting 'earn some fucking money then' at me.

Don't even know the point of this post other than that I have no idea where to turn or what to do. I feel like I've been so incredibly naive and haven't seen the reality of what is happening and now I've made everything a total mess I can't see a good way out of.

You’d potentially get half his pension pot if you divorced him. I would urge you to seek
Legal advice on the quiet and use the services of a forensic accountant to boot. He is abusing you and in turn your children because they will
pick up on all this if they are not already.

Do not remain with him for the supposed sake of the children. From what you write he appears to be absent both emotionally and physically with them too. You’re doing sll
the donkey work re them and I would put a crisp fiver on it as well that he does not live as frugally as you do.

You are in an economic and financially abusive relationship with your husband. Your marriage is over really because of this abuse he metes out to you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Unicorn trainer? Leprechaun stylist?

this huge salaried, term time, school hour job does not exist. Either you get a high earning job and you share the cost of a house keeper or you earn less and carry on with the bulk of house and childcare. Either way he needs to compromise

He is financially abusing you.

There really is only one alternative here, and you know what that is.

Once you said 'sneers and snarls' the rest became immaterial. You might have been naive but a lawyer isn't. Get one and don't hold back. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a sneering, snarling man who ignores his children and treats you like rubbish.

You are worth so much more than that OP.

I think you should be too OP.

Half of it's yours.

No, it’s not his pension pot. It’s a joint marital asset. Remember this OP.

Do not overlook the fact that you’re working 24/7/365 as a mother just because there is no financial reward. How could you possibly do more?
Could he hold the fort, look after the children while you jet off, command a high salary, feed into a pension and medical insurance, then return and complain? No, he couldn’t.
Your hedonistic husband needs a lesson in reality but if I were you I wouldn’t give him the opportunity.
He’s all about image and ego. Hold your head up high and live the life you deserve - not this.

I think you know this marriage is dead, so take steps to end it. Check out Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies (or similar) and family lawyers' websites.

Collect all financial documentation and look at Form E. Then see an experienced family solicitor.

Make sure you get everything you are entitled to. You may need a forensic accountant if you suspect he might be hiding assets.

Any half decent husband would pay into their wives pension whilst they are not working to raise the kids.

This. So true.