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Original poster

It's a SIL one

48 replies

Whattodonow24 · 21/10/2024 16:44

Hi,

I'll start off by saying, I really do like SIL and get on well with her.

There's been something irking me lately, but I suspect it may at least partly be a DH issue.

So, how would you broach this?

IL's have keys to our home, as do my parents.

SIL will randomly ask if she can collect my eldest DC from school and bring them home.
I'm on maternity leave, so whilst there's no need for her to do it, she enjoys doing it from time to time.

IL's elderly dog passed away a couple of years ago, SIL misses having a dog to walk. She'll usually ask if she can take our dog out for a walk when she visits.

My only issue is, SIL seems to have taken charge of these keys and has started using the key when she comes in, rather than knock on the door.

A few weeks ago, she collected DC from school. I was feeding DC2 in the lounge, I heard the door go and I shouted 'just coming'. She then opened the front door with the key. I said ' I was just coming' she said 'Oh DC knocked the door, but I had the key'. I mentioned that I was feeding DC, so was just putting the baby down. This was probably my opportunity to say something, but thought nothing of it.

Later on she took the dog for a run and again used the key to let herself in.

Now, here's the thing, I suspect DH has told her to use the key to let herself in rather than knock.

I've not brought it up with DH, but if it happens again I will.

I feel like I can't say anything to SIL if DH has already told her to do it.

I feel I have to cover up or retreat to the bedroom to feed DC in case she let's herself in.

Whilst it's DH's home, it's mine too and sometimes he agrees to things without thought and then if I disagree or say no, I'll look like the bad guy.

How would you deal with this ladies?

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 21/10/2024 16:47

You say to her directly, please do not let yourself in if I am home. Please knock and allow me to let you in. I feel very uncomfortable about people walking in when I may be undressed, breastfeeding etc.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 21/10/2024 16:48

Your DH can’t give consent for her or anyone to walk in on you if you don’t want them to.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2024 16:50

Can you lock the door from the inside when you're at home?

BirthdayRainbow · 21/10/2024 16:52

I'd ask dh if he's told her to let herself in and whether he has or not I'd tell her not to. Your choice.

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/10/2024 16:53

"You know I love you but I need to tell you that I would really appreciate you knocking at the door and not letting yourself in with the key. I've felt a bit freaked out a few times when it's taken me by surprise. It's good that you have a key for emergencies or for when we're not here and you need to get access for whatever reason, but aside from that I'd rather you knocked."

Stormyweatheroutthere · 21/10/2024 16:55

Just lock and leave the key in on the inside.. No awkward conversation needed...

Stormyweatheroutthere · 21/10/2024 16:56

Sil assumes she is helping with dc and ddog and likely she tells people so.. She will therefore pass on you are ungrateful and she has shoved you your key back..... You won't be painted well imo.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/10/2024 16:57

Stormyweatheroutthere · 21/10/2024 16:56

Sil assumes she is helping with dc and ddog and likely she tells people so.. She will therefore pass on you are ungrateful and she has shoved you your key back..... You won't be painted well imo.

That's on them. @Whattodonow24 is doing nothing wrong in wanting to let people in to her house herself.

Original poster
Whattodonow24 · 21/10/2024 16:57

DH is quite relaxed about these things, so I suspect he has told her to use it in the past.

@Justmuddlingalong I can double lock the door, but you can still open it with the key. DH left his key in once and my key broke in the door when I tried to get in. We have a chain on the inside, so I could do that.

I think I'll see if she does it again next time, if she does I'll have a word and ask her to knock if I'm home.

OP posts:
mumtotwo11 · 21/10/2024 16:59

Mil & fil used to do this - just let themselves in when coming round even if I was at home. I just started putting the inside lock/catch down so they couldn't open it 😎

Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2024 17:00

In that case I'd use the chain.
If she comments about it, tell her the keys were originally for emergencies only and you'd rather they go back to being for that purpose.

Original poster
Whattodonow24 · 21/10/2024 17:19

@Stormyweatheroutthere She has never been asked to help out in any way. She likes to do these things.

@Justmuddlingalong I might give this a try.

OP posts:
PrettyYellow30 · 21/10/2024 17:29

Whattodonow24 · 21/10/2024 16:44

Hi,

I'll start off by saying, I really do like SIL and get on well with her.

There's been something irking me lately, but I suspect it may at least partly be a DH issue.

So, how would you broach this?

IL's have keys to our home, as do my parents.

SIL will randomly ask if she can collect my eldest DC from school and bring them home.
I'm on maternity leave, so whilst there's no need for her to do it, she enjoys doing it from time to time.

IL's elderly dog passed away a couple of years ago, SIL misses having a dog to walk. She'll usually ask if she can take our dog out for a walk when she visits.

My only issue is, SIL seems to have taken charge of these keys and has started using the key when she comes in, rather than knock on the door.

A few weeks ago, she collected DC from school. I was feeding DC2 in the lounge, I heard the door go and I shouted 'just coming'. She then opened the front door with the key. I said ' I was just coming' she said 'Oh DC knocked the door, but I had the key'. I mentioned that I was feeding DC, so was just putting the baby down. This was probably my opportunity to say something, but thought nothing of it.

Later on she took the dog for a run and again used the key to let herself in.

Now, here's the thing, I suspect DH has told her to use the key to let herself in rather than knock.

I've not brought it up with DH, but if it happens again I will.

I feel like I can't say anything to SIL if DH has already told her to do it.

I feel I have to cover up or retreat to the bedroom to feed DC in case she let's herself in.

Whilst it's DH's home, it's mine too and sometimes he agrees to things without thought and then if I disagree or say no, I'll look like the bad guy.

How would you deal with this ladies?

Yes this will irritate me too, all too much and rude! Sadly, your husband needs to have a word, so tell him you're not used to that sort of thing and don't like it. It's not a hotel sweets.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 21/10/2024 17:32

She is trying to insert herself as useful. Either she is genuine or she is telling people in a Aren't I Great ?way....

Original poster
Whattodonow24 · 21/10/2024 17:39

@Stormyweatheroutthere DC are the only children in the family. SIL enjoys doing it, but you could be right.

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 21/10/2024 19:50

Ils used to arrive at 8.20am to try take dc to school.. Me and dh agreed they would never drive with dc in their car....mil once told a dm at the school (I had driven and she came to collect one day) we couldn't manage without them. Utter tosh.

Disneyrunner · 25/10/2024 07:04

Playing devil's advocate here but if sil is picking your child up from school or walking your dog you must know she's coming? Is it really necessary for her to stand on your doorstep with your child & wait for you to put the baby down & open the door?
Our door is only locked when we're out and our parents & siblings all just walk in! Personally I'd be upset if immediate family felt they had to knock & wait outside.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 25/10/2024 08:04

@Whattodonow24 for a start, why do all those people have a key to get into your house?? no one needs a key except you and your husband. change the locks. I personally, hate anyone just walking into my house so my door is locked on the inside. does your sil not have a job that she has time available to collect your child from school?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:19

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/10/2024 16:53

"You know I love you but I need to tell you that I would really appreciate you knocking at the door and not letting yourself in with the key. I've felt a bit freaked out a few times when it's taken me by surprise. It's good that you have a key for emergencies or for when we're not here and you need to get access for whatever reason, but aside from that I'd rather you knocked."

Perfect

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:21

Disneyrunner · 25/10/2024 07:04

Playing devil's advocate here but if sil is picking your child up from school or walking your dog you must know she's coming? Is it really necessary for her to stand on your doorstep with your child & wait for you to put the baby down & open the door?
Our door is only locked when we're out and our parents & siblings all just walk in! Personally I'd be upset if immediate family felt they had to knock & wait outside.

Yes my parents have keys and now just let themselves into my home but I know when they're on the way

user1474315215 · 25/10/2024 08:27

But you know your SIL is on the way if she's picking up your DC or walking your dog?

Crucible · 25/10/2024 08:30

Bottom lock? Make sure one time she cannot use it, then answer the door and say it - Please could you knock? I know you have a key but please knock anyway. If DH has given permission to use it freely I did not. Tea?

talkmedownhealth · 25/10/2024 08:33

I feel like there’s a difference between letting yourself in when you’re expected / or with one of the homeowner’s kids…. Than turning up and letting yourself in randomly. The former sounds quite common rather than her being rude. In my family we all just come in (open doors or with key) when we’re expected but I remember getting a start myself when I had a baby - I feel like my senses were on higher alert.

Either way - it’s okay to say that you get a bit of a jump when someone comes in without knocking, could she knock please.

Almostfourty · 25/10/2024 09:46

If I was your sister in law I would let myself in if I was with your child (my niece or nephew), it would be weird standing at the door if I had a key. Your SIL sounds like she wants to help and she’s trying to form a bond with her nieces/nephews. Please don’t make an issue out of this, she’s your husbands sister which means she’s your close family. I think you are lucky to have people around you who want to help, and you getting irritated over this small issue is a bit ott. Has she done other things to upset you? I’m assuming you have a relationship with her already. I hope that when she has children you will make as much effort as she clearly has with you and your children. Don’t take it for granted, some people have no one to pick up their children or walk their dog, and it’s kind of her to actually offer to help and you to not have to ask her. She sounds like a good person.

BlastedPimples · 25/10/2024 10:01

Nobody but you and your eh and your dcs should be letting themselves into your home.

It's so disrespectful just to walk into someone else's house.

I'd take the key back.