It's a SIL one

[Whattodonow24]

Hi,

I'll start off by saying, I really do like SIL and get on well with her.

There's been something irking me lately, but I suspect it may at least partly be a DH issue.

So, how would you broach this?

IL's have keys to our home, as do my parents.

SIL will randomly ask if she can collect my eldest DC from school and bring them home.
I'm on maternity leave, so whilst there's no need for her to do it, she enjoys doing it from time to time.

IL's elderly dog passed away a couple of years ago, SIL misses having a dog to walk. She'll usually ask if she can take our dog out for a walk when she visits.

My only issue is, SIL seems to have taken charge of these keys and has started using the key when she comes in, rather than knock on the door.

A few weeks ago, she collected DC from school. I was feeding DC2 in the lounge, I heard the door go and I shouted 'just coming'. She then opened the front door with the key. I said ' I was just coming' she said 'Oh DC knocked the door, but I had the key'. I mentioned that I was feeding DC, so was just putting the baby down. This was probably my opportunity to say something, but thought nothing of it.

Later on she took the dog for a run and again used the key to let herself in.

Now, here's the thing, I suspect DH has told her to use the key to let herself in rather than knock.

I've not brought it up with DH, but if it happens again I will.

I feel like I can't say anything to SIL if DH has already told her to do it.

I feel I have to cover up or retreat to the bedroom to feed DC in case she let's herself in.

Whilst it's DH's home, it's mine too and sometimes he agrees to things without thought and then if I disagree or say no, I'll look like the bad guy.

How would you deal with this ladies?

This . Problem solved.

You need to say to DH that you’re not comfortable with others letting themself in the house, he needs to tell her.

Stick the chain on. “There’s a lot of break in’s this time of year, it freaks me out ANYONE possibly coming in the house while I’m alone with baby”.

It irks you and it’s imperative that you are comfortable in your own home, everyone who has a spare key needs to know this.

Personally I find it quite bizarre that people have an issue with family coming in and out. I tell off any family for knocking and making me stop what I’m doing to answer the door when they know they can come and go any time. The odd time I don’t want anyone coming in I lock the door and leave the key in (you can’t open it if the key is in).

I have keys to both of my daughters and son-in-laws homes, I’ve looked after my grandchildren for them since they were born, firstly after maternity leaves then doing school runs. So I always let myself in as either the house is empty or they know I’m coming. BUT they always know when I’m going to their homes, I rarely turn up unannounced but I would knock first on those occasions.

I think you either have to just live with it, or tell her. She probably thinks she's being helpful by not knocking which could disturb baby. It is fine if you would like her to knock, but I don't blame her for not doing so.

I wouldn't accept her just using the key at any time to let just herself in. But she has your child with her. It seems strange to expect your child to knock on their own front door and wait to be let in.
My child goes out for a walk with his grandad every Saturday.
When they get home my child just opens the front door and they both walk in.
I wouldn't expect my child to have to knock and wait when he lives here.

So you literally have the 'village' that people whang on about but because it's not 100% perfect you want to what? Alienate your husbands sister? For what?

To be honest I'd be annoyed if my sister didn't let herself in.

When we were newly married we lived quite near to my ILs who I always got on well with. However MIL did have a habit of just turning up and walking in. I was young and didn’t want to upset her but had been wondering how to request that she knock first and wait to be let in.

Well one Saturday afternoon she turned up, walked into our kitchen and called out ‘Hello!’ Then it all went very quiet….DH and I were having sex upstairs (and in the moment had clearly forgotten to lock the door) and I can’t imagine we’d been all that quiet so she’d heard everything. We heard the door quietly close as she retreated and it never happened again!!

If you have a good relationship with your SIL I’d just tell her that as it’s likely that you’ll
be breastfeeding when she gets back to your house, you’d rather she knock and wait to be admitted so you have some privacy. That’s a very reasonable request.

🤣 Brilliant!

Hmm so if someone is with my child or grandchild (now in that phase and they live in the same house) I would fully expect them to let themselves in. Also son in laws parents who visit often usually just walk in (door is not locked). You do have a perfect right to ask her to knock especially if uncomfortable feeding baby in front of her but I think you need to talk to her (nicely) as we can see from the discussion that opinions about whether letting herself in is OK vary widely. So she probably doesn’t realise it might bother you.

If she's with your other child then I would find it odd she has to knock and wait but just random coming into your house, no - just put the chain on every time you're feeding or not expecting her with your child. If she says anything, just say, oh i was feeding" or whatever.

Personally my door is always open for friends and family, I don't expect them to knock. BUT if you don't like it just put the chain on.
Everyone has different boundaries, you either set yours verbally by talking to SIL which you don't seem to want to do, or by setting a physical boundary with the chain - no-one enters unless you open it for them. If you are not willing to set your boundary you can't get annoyed if others cross them!

If you try to see the kindness in what she’s doing, I suspect she lets herself in because she has the key, and she’s probably mindful that she doesn’t want to knock and wake the baby. And also maybe thinks that because you’ve given them a key you want her to use it. I’d just say something but really casually, and also preface it that you don’t want to be awkward about it but can she knock if you’re home, and let herself in if she’s coming back with DC to the empty house. But definitely check with DH if he’s given a different message first.

I have a key for my parents & let myself in all the time. But the one time I knocked they ribbed me because it’s ’my Home’ (childhood home) 😂. On the other hand, they only ever let themselves into mine when we’re out and are going round to run favours.

Why do such minor things get so blown out of proportion, when all it requires is some basic communication. Perhaps SIL think she is helping you by using the key and not disrupting you if you are feeding etc. and not aware how it makes you feel?

I think all is required is a simple conversation, to explain that you feel uncomfortable being walked in on whilst feeding etc. sure she wouldn't be offended if she understood you point of view.

I personally would be happy for my SIL to let herself in. My mum has a key and lets herself in and out all the time. It’s family. Unless you have concerns over safety then why would it be an issue for your family member, who you’ve entrusted with a key, to use it? You must be expecting her at some point as you know she’s dropping your child off. And it’s of course completely your choice and personal preference, but it’s a shame if you don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding around close family, esp female close family.
But if you’re really uncomfortable about this, just tell her you’re a bit on edge when the door suddenly opens, make it about you even if you have to fib a little, to sustain the relationship. And girl, appreciate your village. Many would love what you have here.

Had similar with my sil. I’d borrowed her spare key back as I was locked out and just never gave it back 😂when she asked I just said well u don’t really need it anymore and u never no what u might walk in on 😂and changed subject

We had this with in-laws - they had a key 'for emergencies' and if they arrived early and I wasn't home they would let themselves in and be making a cup of tea when I got home ( still before their supposed arrival time mind you) 'not really an emergency' was what I said - they said you wouldn't want us to sit in the car for 30 mins and I did have to shrug while thinking don't turn up an hour early then!

But surely because the Dcs are with SIL they should be allowed to just go in? It’s their home

I’m assuming you don’t want to just tell her not to do it. Therefore, do you have the sort of lock you can leave the key in on the other side or have a chain? If so, use that. Otherwise you could get a Ring doorbell to preempt her or change the locks.

@Coconutter24 the sil is a bit of a piss taker though, isn't she? Needs boundaries.

Maybe from the OPs point of view but from the SIL view she has been given a key and told by her brother to let herself in, as she’s with the DC she might not see no harm.
edited to add yes boundaries needed but she’s been told what she can do so probably thinking she’s not crossing any boundaries however she is for OP so she needs to address this

There isn’t any confirmation that the SIL has been told anything by the OP’s DH.

@Coconutter24 which is what thread is about.

The op hasn't confirmed her dh said come on in whenever. She suspects he might have.

However, that said, even if someone told me to just come in with a key, I just wouldn't. I would always knock or ring the bell. They could be having sex. Having a row. Just want to not be bothered.

I think op needs to get the key back asap.